Blistered

Sorry this is sooo long -- I have a compulsion to be super clear about things.

TL;DR I have bipolar (2) aggravating and aggravated by porn and masturbation which is happening partly because it alleviates chronic pain and boredom but in spite of a very satisfying marriage. Doing 30 days without porn, masturbation, and daytime TV.

I'm a 50yo happily married woman with two children (teen and adult) and a husband of 8 years and we have plenty of sex. I have a high libido but he keeps up and really enjoys how sex-positive I am. Actually that's how we met -- when I was single and going through my most intense period of using Internet porn and chat rooms and masturbating. We met through OkCupid and found that we hit it off more as friends.

One night we were chatting and the subject of my more abbreviated and sloppy typing came up so I say "I'm more used to typing with one hand." "what?" he says and I apologize and ask him to forget I said it (making it clear what I meant!). It turned out he has aspergers and had had little sexual experience but wanted to get more so we hooked up and fell in love.

Part of my motivation to have a lot of sexual is that when I am highly aroused is almost the only time that my fibromyalgia symptoms recede. I can actually be quite athletic in bed so partner sexy is really good for my health. Masturbating doesn't work as well for that but it does give me a little pain relief and even just looking at porn that arouses me eases it. So in some ways it's definitely good.

On the other hand it's been escalating. I also have bipolar 2 and there's a feedback loop that happens where the sexual stimulation and the lack of sleep contribute to hypomanic / manic episodes which then heighten my libido and reduce my need for sleep. Last night I was up until 2:30 watching porn on my phone while my husband slept next to me and at one point I snuck off to the bathroom with my vibrator and lube.

So I'm sleep deprived, my genitals feel fried, and I'm sickened by the disgusting stuff I was watching last night (and today!). The weather won't let me be too manic so I'm completely down.

I don't have a moral objection to porn as such or masturbation but I definitely need a reboot and perhaps I'm just too addiction-prone for the porn. (Maybe if I weren't getting partnered sex I could come up with a regime of moderation.)

I'm still not sure about all the terminology but I think I need to go off porn and masturbation for 30 days, for now. I'm also aware that part of my daytime activities are driven by boredom. I'm unemployed but I have stuff (very un-fun stuff) I need to do and I've gotten into the habit of avoiding it by watching TV or doing other things online. Lately I feel like I'm running out of shows! And I can't do some other things that aggravate my muscle pain so I think "I'd feel better if I had an orgasm /watched porn right now."

So I think quitting daytime TV for this month would force me to find other ways to spend my time. I'm not sure about using the Internet though -- I use it to kill time but I also need to use it for job-hunting and work. I could get sucked into reading novels but my arms and hands get tired after a while.

Anyway -- I've resisted acknowledging that this was an issue for me before now but I'm happy I've found this community and look forward to getting past this.

Thank you!