cillywillyboy

Here to overcome addiction and become the best version of myself.

A bit about me:

24 year old male from Denmark.
Going to study physical therapy.
I enjoy fitness, socializing, videogames and Boardgames/tabletop.
Has an anxiety disorder.
Extrovert.
Religious.

My story:

I have been on the nofap scene since I was about 17 years old. I have a very hard time quitting PMO as I was pretty much addicted since I went into puberty at age 12.

I was a normal kid, sociable, playful, energetic, but I have always had an almost bizarre interest for the opposite sex. I remember often pulling up skirts on girls as a little kid, trying to peek at women when they were changing clothes etc. My interest for females was seemingly far more intense than the peers of my age.

I still remember the unbelievable feeling, when I first encountered hardcore internet porn at age 8-9 years old. The rush was unbelievable, despite not even having hit puberty, I knew it. This was my weakness.

My father tried to protect me and my siblings from the dangers of the internet. Web-filters, stern warnings about seeking out bad stuff. But it didn't help. Me and my siblings had a PC to play on, with internet for free flash games. When 9 year old me miraculously had the PC and the room for myself, I already felt the jitters, the dry mouth, the butterflies in the stomach. I knew how to get past the web-filter, how to access the sketchy sites that weren't straight up porn but had porn on it. By the time I got to the first picture/video, I was shaking as if I was sitting in a freezer. I kept browsing for as long as i could, always anxious about my father finding out, feeling guilty for doing something bad, but I would not stop. The euphoria was too great. It was like a drug.

When I discovered the orgasm after I hit puberty at age 12, that is where my addiction began. I fapped everyday, multiple times, pretty normal for a guy who discovered masturbation, except: I almost /always/ used porn. I always thought it was normal, browsing porn about an hour a day, so I just lived my life normally, I had friends, sports, hobbies. Getting my first smartphone at the time and later, my own laptop, only fueled my addiction to even greater heights.

When I got deeper into puberty along with my classmates/friends, I realized I had a problem.
I was 16 years old, most of my peers had or had been in relationships or at least some experience with intimacy. I did not, despite being fairly good looking and very sociably capable, I could not get intimate with a girl. It was as if a switch in my brain clicked whenever a conversation became flirtatious or intimate with a woman.

I did not have the will nor the courage to face a woman intimately, I always chickened out "bahh, il just go home and jackoff". Despite deeply wanting to have an intimate relationship with a woman, a person, a real human being, I always "preferred" the safe seclusion with my own personal internet harem, consisting hundreds of girls that looked better than this actual person standing in front of me.

I knew I had a problem and needed to quit. At age 17 I encountered r/nofap and tried to give it a shot. I failed...I must have failed at least a thousand times by the time I turned 20. I could never get past 10 days, thats how deep the claws of pornography had me. At 22 I gave up on nofap and it has been the worst period of my life.

I began to succumb completely to PMO. I quit school, twice, I started to work part-time so I had plenty of time for my obsession. My preferences got more and more bizarre, I developed fetishes I didn't want, I began to live a life I didn't want, I began to hate myself.

When I was 23 I had stopped working out, stopped seeing friends, No work, No Job, living with my mom, and watching porn/reading erotica almost all of my waking hours. Thats when I one day suddenly experienced a horrible panic attack and it spiralled me into a bout of anxiety and depression.

Life has been a nightmare for the past 4 months, and I know its not only because of PMO but I truly believe PMO has played a dominating role. I have hit rock-bottom and I wish I never had. Things and looking better now but i'm still clawing my way out this hole I digged for myself these past 10 years. Its gonna be hard but it is gonna happen. It /has/ to happen. I don't want to return to my anxious/depressive state ever again, and PMO has to go for that to happen.