Edword

I have struggled with porn addiction for about 12 years now. I remember as a teenager I had incredible difficulties speaking to girls that I was attracted to, I had absolutely no confidence. Then I discovered a pornographic DVD in my older brothers bedroom. So I waited for a night when he was gone and I 'borrowed' it from him and masturbated to porn for the first time and thought that this was the answer to all of my sexual frustration. Little did I know how shitty porn really is. I began using it as a crutch and gradually spent more and more time alone, making excuses and avoiding friends, and more time hating myself. This went on through college and into my career as a teacher. I was teased relentlessly by my friends about being a virgin this whole time. Then finally, after a night of severe riddicule (there seem to be no effective comebacks to that kind of riddicule as I let it cut me that deeply to my core) I said 'fuck it' got on backpage and texted a hooker. She came over (left her car running) and I was unable to get an erection, I was crushed, so I got drunk for about month. Fortunately I met a person who was very successful with women and helped me with my 'look', my style and my drinking. Finally at age 24 I met a girl that I was attracted to at work that seemed to show interest. I came to find out she had a boy friend so I didn't pursue it any further. About 6 months later I get a text from her asking what I was up to for the evening and if I would like to meet and get a drink. I was thrilled beyond belief. We met at a bar pretty close to her house and after last call she invited me to her house. We smoked a joint and then she went into the bathroom. When she came back out she was only wearing a bra and thong. Long story short, once again I wasn't able to get an erection. I left her house the next morning hating myself (never heard from her again) and that is when I first tried quitting porn. I did well for awhile, but gradually got sucked back into it. Fast forward a bit, I have just recently met a woman who I almost think I'm in love with. We've been dating for about 2 months and even having talks about moving in together. Then earlier today, she was at my house, things were getting hot and heavy and once again I was unable to get an erection. She was super sweet about it but I can't help but feeling crushed again. I really want to be able to quit porn so I can please this girl, she's the absolute best thing that's happened to me. I hope this support group helps, I really want to fix myself to be the man she deserves. After she left I threw out all of my DVDs, flash drive and put site blockers on my laptop and phone. If anyone has any words of encouragement or advice I would greatly appreciate it, I'm tired of being trapped by this addiction!