The person you love is the one who can really support you, love you, and help you. Don't be ashamed to talk about your issues with Rachel. You often used the term "trust". It is time to trust her and have a conversation with her than with some female strangers here who don't know you at all. Love is, in the end, the magic human element, a powerful feeling, and a beautiful wonder we all need to help us go through our demons. Grow old wiser and be aware of such love (a real gift from above) she has for you despite your turmoil and doubts. And remember that a woman always knows when a man hides her the truth. It doesn't make you a liar, but it forces you to fall into a circle of easy and innocent lies that will only hurt her. Know to determine the limit between the truth and the lie. If you don't, you'll start lying to her and this will break the faith and love she has for you. I've joined another group which really helps me with my loss. Good luck my friend.