hansdd

March 2014
My Story
I hope to accomplish 2 things by writing down my story of sexual addiction. I want to reach out and I hope the story might help someone out there. Over the years I have prayed, talked to people read much and written a little. I have lived through many cycles of hope and despair. It is only recently that I have become aware how my life has so much affected my family and friends. I will try to remember the important parts and write the truth as I can remember it without being too graphic.
I was born in Austria during the war on April 20, 1942. I had wonderful loving parents. 2 years later my brother was born. Until the war ended I didn’t see my father very much, as he was in the army part of the time. My mother was all and everything then. She nursed me until I was about 2 ½. When I was 3 she got yellow jaundice and spent some weeks in the hospital. I thought she had permanently abandoned me. Then she sent me to Kindergarten when I was 4. I told her I didn’t like it and she let me stay home. I was kind of a loner and really shy. She was worried about my not wanting to go to school when the time came and I assured her while kindergarten was voluntary, I understood that school was mandatory and I would go. When I was 5 we moved into the country…about 4 miles. I couldn’t understand a soul who spoke this country dialect. Also they were all Catholic and I was Lutheran. I started school when I was 6 in this little country school with 3 grades in one room. By that time I could understand the kids somewhat, but the teacher couldn’t as it was her first year of teaching and she came from another town. One day she stood up and complained in front of the class “Why can’t you all talk like Hans” … that was me. That really proved my hunch that I was “different”. At that time I got to know a 5 year old neighbour girl. My mother warned me about her as she was the daughter of a lady who wasn’t married. No one knew who her father was.
One sunny summer day the girl and I went skinny dipping in the creek beside our house. After the swim we lay down in the warm grass and she motioned me to come closer. This resulted in my first experience with oral sex. I didn’t really understand the significance then, but over the years it very much influenced my life. I felt the first stirring of lust for want of a better word. Then with it there were pangs of guilt because of what my mother told me. I never told anyone about my episode with her, but my memory is as clear as day. Soon after I made attempts to pull back my foreskin and sometimes got those “lust” feelings.
In 1949 we moved to Quebec in Canada and I started school in French. Again I was “different”. I was wearing Austrian clothes and for some reason the kids called me “girl”. This time I don’t remember any activities with girls but I had one friend with whom we used to show or penises during class. We were sure no one noticed.
In 1951 we moved to BC in Canada to a remote sawmill camp in the north. There lived a family beside us with 3 kids about our age. Again, we went swimming in the nude, but all together and I remember the oldest girl saying that we believe in freedom here and we don’t need to wear anything swimming. Memories of my experience 3 years before came back. When I was 10 we moved to where a bus would take us to school. There I met a boy who also just arrived from the bush and we became friends. I was from Austria and he was from Holland. One day when visiting on our farm we walked in the woods and he told me how the dairy farmer he was working for had shown him how to play with his penis. I was very attentive and had to try when I went to bed. Well I guess you might say I never looked back… years and years of masturbation and feelings of shame after fulfilling all those lust feelings. Thousands of times I asked myself: “why can’t I get over this?” My friend actually worked for 2 farmers. I got to know them both. The one that had molested him never had said anything to me. However, the other one was walking through the field with me one day and started asking me sexual questions. We stopped by a stump and he sat down and asked me to show him my penis. Then he touched it and with my heart throbbing molested me. All these memories are still as clear as day. You can imagine my feelings when I met him again just the other day. I often wonder whether it would have been good to report him. In those days I really didn’t know the seriousness. Later my friend and I used to sleep over at each other’s place and do some homosexual things together. That didn’t last that long though.
After I started High school, I fell in love with a girl 3 years younger than I. We were both so shy we never went out together. During my whole high school years I would dream of her and masturbate. Her sister was in my class, but I had no feelings for her. Many years later I met her sister at a class reunion and asked about her sister. She told me she had taken her life the year before. She had never married and in the end had many phony stories about boyfriends she was supposed to have. The news sure cut me to the core. I was good at school but terrible at sports and dancing. So, I rarely attended a dance. I was too shy to ask any girl out.
Soon after high school, I was asked to go on a mission for the Mormon Church. One prerequisite was: no masturbation. I was sent to Berlin Germany. Well, I thought I tried my best, but I don’t think there was any more than 3 months between my masturbation sessions. I couldn’t break the cycle. After coming home I found a girl who fell in love with me and again seduced me. I was 23 years old: 17 years after my first seduction! It was only once like the first time. We became engaged, but I realized her lack of interest in the church would be a problem.
Then I found a good Mormon girl and married her on rebound and thought all my problems would be over. Well, I was so wrong. She had so much less interest in sex than the one that seduced me. I tried to live sober. I knew it was important. However, I usually couldn’t get past a month or two.
After university, graduating in mechanical Engineering, I started my first job in a pulp mill. There in the steam plant office I saw my first centerfold on the wall. I was so excited, I had to get out into a field with tall grass and relive myself…. I was so hooked!
Then I discovered little magazines with sex stories of little boys. I couldn’t stay away from them. There was actually less underage censorship then.
Then came the internet. By that time I had started my own business manufacturing wood stoves. I was able to spend many hours in my office after hours…. Making connections on the net…watching live porn and then email and phone sex. It was escalating and I was powerless. I hooked up with girls all over the world and my wife and family were suffering. I remember one night I went to bed in another bedroom at home and phoned a girl who liked phone sex. When right in the middle of it, my then 14 year old son came in and I don’t know what he heard. I was so far gone, I didn’t even care that much. I also struggled with feelings for my oldest daughter. She had turned 11. Memories of that 5 year old girl were still there. At the same time I was also very active in my church. I was such a hypocrite.
I took a trip and met with a psychiatrist in the church for about 2 weeks. However, every time I thought I was cured I would fall back. At times I also had homosexual thoughts. On one flight to Vancouver, I remember spending the whole flight planning how I was going to downtown Vancouver and finding a young boy to seduce. By the time I got off the plane I was shaking. Fortunately, not being that familiar with that part of Vancouver, nothing happened.
I sold my business in 1997 and moved to Vancouver where I could visit SA groups. I thought that was the answer, but on the side I picked up a begging girl on the street and found out she was addicted to crack. I even paid her money, but never got close to having sex. However, she occupied so much of my mind. I was making progress, but then my wife decided she had enough and first distanced herself from me and when I moved to the US for a job she wouldn’t follow. There I found another psychiatrist counsellor and SA group. Again, just when I thought I was cured: BANG. First I worked in Ohio and then in Kentucky. There again a new counsellor.
Then I found another wonderful lady from the place I was born in Austria. We were married in Kentucky and again I thought this time my troubles were over. Sex was wonderful. But I still masturbated. After a time she became homesick for Austria and sex became very infrequent. I remember someone in SA once saying: “I had to learn that sex is optional”. It took me a long time to realize the truthfulness of that statement.
With my wife hating Kentucky we headed off to Canada where I still had property. We built a new home and hoped things would get better. I put Covenant Eyes on my computer so that one of my SA friends could see where I go on the net. Well, it worked for a couple of months. First I saw porn on someone else’s computer and then there were moments when I just didn’t care. I noticed my tastes getting more convoluted. I was getting into transwomen among other things.
I started reading more in the bible where it talks about being “possessed” and about casting out evil spirits. I realized I really was being possessed and during those moments was not myself and was dong more and more disgusting things. Well, I also realized Jesus was not just there beside me to cast the evils spirit out. My only solution is to not let him in. I’ve done more reading since and really see the reality of unseen evil spirits who want to possess me. I also realized I had the wrong interpretation of “love your enemies” in the bible. When we love we open our heart to that person. The worst thing you can do is open your heart to an evil spirit. “Love your enemies” only has to do with human beings. No one else.
I have not given up all these years. For 60 years I have not managed to be sober from masturbation for more than about 3 months. I will not give up.

Old cars, Photography, Mountain hiking