IAmMoreThanThis

I hope that my story helps you in some way. There is not a lot of online help offerded to women who struggle with an addiction to porn. There isn't really any advice. Due to this I felt very alone in my addiction....once I realized that I had an actual addiction; most online chats, threads tell you that you can't even be addicted to porn. They tell you to "just stop watching it". Yet, no matter how hard I tried to "just stop watching it" I couldn't. Which madew feel so a shamed. I felt a shamed because I could go months with out it even close to a year and then I would just binge watch it. That's where I am currently in my life. But let me talk about how my action started.
Prior to being taken into foster care, I experienced a lot of sexual abuse. By family members and family friends. I survive those times when older adults took advantage of me and I would often have an out of body experience. I also became obsessed with sex. Once taken into care at age 9, the abuse stopped and I was put into a few world. I didn't really talk about my abuse even though I was but in counseling to help me heal from it. Time pass and my curiosity was still there and I began watching porn at 11 years old. I was hooked! But again I was good at not talking about this. My 17 birthday came around and I decided to have sex with my high school sweetheart. He was not angry with that I was not a virgin. I remember being instantly addicted to sex, and I watched more porn; I had no idea how to actually pleasure a man. But I had a lot of sex because I thought he would be more attracted to me.
By my 20s rolled around and I had long since broke up with my high school boy friend and started have the best sex with some guy I had met out west. We had a great relationship, we got engaged! Then slowly, that feeling started to creep back into my life. I wanted watch porn.So I did and suddenly I felt less connected to him. I looked at him one day and that was it we where over. I started to see other people. This made me having to deal with my emotions better. But I now I started to feel dirty and like I wasn't the good person who I once was I felt lost. I turned to porn but it wasn't working so I watched more of it. I could not stop. I would feel so bad after watching it but some days I that's all I would do. I thought maybe I should stop. I tried to but nothing work. I looked up porn addiction online and thought I am the text book definition of a porn addict. But there was no free help that I could get. Then my only family member who had ever cared about me. My grandma passed away. With my break up and grandmas death I went looking for sex. I ended up finding a then 34 year old. We moved really quickly. I fell in 'love' but my addictions also came to. I told myself this would be different. But after we moved in together and after one year together I started to cheat on him. This was a few low for me. I was angry with him. He constantly hit me and yelled at me and controlled everything. The worst part is that he never even knew.... my addictions had moved right in with me. I justified my actions with my feelings.
Fast forward to today. I am still in a relashionship with the same man. It's been four years. He now knows about my affairs. But we aren't the same. The love is gone. As of today I would like to over come my addiction. I get that it takes one minute of one hour of one day. I want to do this. My goal is to spend the next year(s) single, porn free, and NO masturbating! This is my goal. I am more than my addictions and so are you!
I am so happy I found this site! Finally I have the support I need!