Itmry782

I am a 49-year-old man. I have been masturbating with porn since my mid-teens. I am addicted to both. I didn't realize my addiction, however, until about 2005, when idle curiosity turned into a full-blown relapse that has cost me thousands of dollars and a marriage. I never considered masturbating as an addiction prior to then. I would buy the occasional magazine and masturbate maybe once a week. When my ex-wife and I met, I gave that up without even thinking about it. But two years into our marriage, we were having problems. For one, she worked a lot and was in law school. I barely saw her. So one day I came across an adult bookstore and checked it out. Next thing I knew, I checked out. I mention the scarcity of a relationship with my then-wife only to provide background on the sequence of my addiction's evolution. I blame myself for never talking about it, with anyone, including her. I wish I had. I so badly need to talk about it. By not talking about it, I've been hiding from everyone including myself. Although I made countless, infinite attempts to stop, I couldn't. I would buy DVDs, throw them away, and go out and buy the exact same DVDs sometimes days apart, always adding new ones along the way. Because I paid the bills in the household, I somehow managed to keep things hidden for a very long time, but that caught up with me and we ended up separating. At that point, I decided to quit a great job and move to another state to be closer to other family. It did not help. It got worse. About two years ago, I moved again and now live alone in a small town. I used to play basketball three times a week. I've written two manuscripts, each more than a 1,000 pages, for wanna-be novels. I hiked, I danced, I hung out with friends. Although I've maintained my career, today I am lucky to wash the dishes, eat, talk with people on the phone, all dismissed in favor of watching porn. During all this time, the attempts to quit continued, always as a lone wolf, always failing, sometimes within hours. The ritual was the same as when I was buying DVDs, except now it is the Internet. I think I am just as addicted to the exercise and work of downloading as I am to porn itself, downloading the same material I just trashed, adding others along the way. Speaking of ritual, I more than understand the cycle I go through, from disgust with self to the rationalization of, "so what, it's just sex," but boy is it more than that. I am sick. I've told myself that a million times. I need to tell someone else that, even if there is no feedback. Today, I am. This is the first time, ever, I have told this story. I am doing so upon discovering this forum shortly after my last PMO. I don't know if that's a baby step or a major step toward my goal of no PMO (or sex, a trigger for me) for a year, but I do know it's a different step. I found I have kept this forum open all day (I work from home). I know I have such a long way to go, but when I came across a trigger earlier today, I came here instead of a place I did not want to be. For that, I am thankful to the administrators of this forum and to everyone here. Today, I am a little less of a lone-wolf, making me different from the person I have been for some 35 years. I'll never regain what I have lost, a wife, money, time, but by sharing my past with you all today, I might be able to find the person I want to be tomorrow. Much love to you all for letting me come out of hiding.