Myfortress

I was an angry, bitter, selfish, know-it-all, womanizer who was hooked on pornography, for decades. I also used alcohol and drugs, sometimes in excess.

Angry that everything did not go perfectly. Angry at the way my life turned out. I could not celebrate other people’s successes. I did not have any real friendships. I was secluded.

I became very selfish, I was only concerned with myself and what others could do for me. I never thought of others.

I did not listen when others tried to help me make good decisions. I did not listen when people were trying to give me good advice/constructive criticism. I took it all like criticism aimed at making me feel bad. This was how I criticized others, to make them feel bad. I did not understand that people who cared about me wanted to help me improve and not make the same mistakes they had. So I resisted the good advice and made some horrible decisions. I suffered the consequences, and learned that way, from the school of hard knocks. It is only by God’s grace that I did not die.

I started looking at pornographic magazines from the age of about 7 yrs. old. As a teenager, I began masturbating. Before long I had a willing girlfriend. We had sex all of the time. There were two long term ones and several short term ones. There was a failed marriage and a son. After this divorce I was depressed for years.

Then I found Christ and a new bride all at the same time. I realized one day, after I got married that I was trapped in a prison. A slave to my sin. I felt like I could never get out. I was being bombarded with images, movies and videos, live women that fueled a fantasy. I was letting my fantasy life rule my actions. There were all of these triggers that led me into the temptation. It could be an image, advertisement, sound… I had no self-control, no restraint. Pleasure was my god, my idol. This was a stronghold that I did not want God to destroy. I was being unfaithful to my husband, Christ. Cheating on God. Flirting with Christ, and grieving the Holy Spirit. I thought women existed to fulfill all of my fantasies. I got married and expected this from my wife. So the pornography and masturbation continued whenever she would not fulfill my selfish desire.

I found hope in the one who invented sex, God. A personal relationship with him started me on the road out of bondage and on to freedom. The fantasy world that I created was a lie, created by the enemy that robbed me of healthy relationships with women and most importantly, God. With the help of God, and his unlimited grace, I am gradually re-programming my mind and breaking out of the prison I was in, not to mention the consequences that accompany it.

I realize now that all of the symptoms above: bitterness, anger, shame, a critical spirit, hardheadedness, selfishness, and a lack of close friends were a byproduct of my decades of immorality. Since I came to Christ 17 years ago it has been an uphill battle to get my life back. It has been a long painful journey with Christ. I fell back into porn probably hundreds of times. Within the last couple of years my intimacy with Christ has improved significantly. I finally realized that the depth of his grace and forgiveness will never run out, no matter how many times I fall. The closer I got to Jesus the less I wanted the porn. The more I realized the effect on my personality, family and quality of life the less I want to go back. Now I am past the two month mark on abstaining and my goal is to never go back. Does that rule out a relapse, no but the more I draw near to the Lord the more I feel like I will not go back. I am looking forward to my next goal of enjoying my relationship with my savior and my wife!