Still alive, still struggling, I feel like posting more often again but the drive is weak, being in my van for almost a year is really wearing down....
Prodigal Warrior
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Had some relapses finding backdoors, but I think I closed most of them for now. Might find something later but who knows. For now I'm good.
Strong urges... Being homeless, I sometimes wish to myself some prostitute would show up knocking on my car window... I'm not proud of these thoughts. I need to get through this, not falling into that trap. Thankfully my phone is locked down pretty good now.
I'm alive, just a lot going on. I'm living in my car right now and disability denied my claim a second time. I'll probably be very distant for a little bit until I can find stability. Pray for me if anyone would.
Trying to resist, found some AI sites out of desperation, was looking for things to use for a bit but ended up stopping, didn't edge. Praying I don't give in before I can have my father help me block them.
I just want things to be over. I want my porn addiction gone, food addiction gone, waiting for disability to be approved over, I want the divorce over so I don't have to deal with this pain any longer. I am ranting a bit, I'm frustrated, I wrote a longer post in my journal explaining. I want to move on but can't yet. I need the disability so I can live without her. Porn has gotten worse again too from stress.
I've been a bit distant lately, so I wanted to make a quick status. I am not sure how well being friends with my wife after divorce will work, but time will tell. She is showing tell tale signs that a lot of what she's doing is fueled by her BPD. I just hope and pray she figures it out before she hurts anymore people and herself. I am going to do my best to be present if needed but distant. 1/2
Man, when it rains it pours. Second relapse same day. Still, regardless the 15 days clean was good, no worries, just keep moving forward.
I got too excited, ended up relapsing. I was up all night long, fell asleep for a few minutes, woke up randomly with the thought to look at porn, my guard was down and I went into it so fast, I saw something and instantly went in. But, the good news is this would have been day 16, so its still progress, 15 whole days without it, its my lifes record so that is more than enough progress for now.
15 days without PMO, all while I've been on the computer almost 24/7 with no blockers in place. The last two weeks, while miserable and painful, has taught me I am capable of so much more.
Saw your earlier posts. I'm sorry for what you have been through man. I recently had a break up (My first one). I believe things happen for a reason in life. I hope you heal and find your way. If you need to talk to anyone, I'm here.
This is officially been the longest I've been without using porn. Glory to God!
I am standing at the biggest threshold in my life. My life has fallen apart, I've lost my wife, I lost like 30 lbs in 2 weeks, tomorrow will be the longest I've ever been without masturbating to porn... Things have changed, and no matter how much I want the way things were, this is the point of no return. Tomorrow I step through this threshold if I like it or not... I am stepping through the void in front of me.
I'm trying not to dwell on things that aren't my concern anymore. My wife kicked me from her server, not sure if its because I'm not active or if she wants to hide things from me. I need to stop concerning myself with this, I fear if I stress anymore its just going to drive me to use porn, I don't know how to suppress the side of me needing to know everything. I just need to control every urge I have right now...
Urges are strong right now, looked at some porn, but doing my best to resist going through with it. The feelings I've been trying to suppress rushed back shortly yesterday, as my wife accidentally said I love you over the phone out of habit... She said it was an accident and she's sure it was.
Need to keep telling myself You haven't lost until you decide to give up
Trying hard each day, trying to stop myself from dwelling on the past and things that cannot be changed now, there is nothing I can do now except change for myself, dwelling on the past and thinking what ifs or constantly trying to figure out what my wife is doing and why, isn't changing the now and will only chain me down and make things harder than they need to be. This Sunday will be 2 weeks no porn though...
I need to persevere. I need let the old me die. Things changed and won't be the same again, I cannot hold onto the past.
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain."
i dont know how serious my wife is at remaining friends... shes talking to other people in weird ways, doing weird things with her friends and online while she streams games, all while we are still married and under the same roof, she knew the way someone made a sexual joke towards her upset me before she said she was divorcing me -
its a struggle... im trying by best but its hard... harder than its ever been... i took a peak at porn this morning, but im trying not to... i need to change... i just want to be able to fix things... my wife was always my support for this... what do i do now? i dont really know other than try... im also stressed not wanting our split to hurt our cat... -
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