RealRockLee

Hey guys,

I have struggled with PMO, MO and P fantasies since I was a teenager (I am actually 27). During all this time I didn´t think I had a problem. I just thought it was something common, something every of my friends do.
Nevertheless, during quarentine, and specially this year where I have to work form home I became to think it was anymore under control:

- I stayed late, I mean until 4 am on the internet. The next day I was something close to a zombie. I could not reach the minimums of my dutties, and that has been reflected in my results.

- I stopped dedicating time to talk to friends or even my gf. I prefered being connected to the web, searching you know what, edging with no end until it was impossible to control.

- I did not talk even with real people, I was in silence, alone, inside myself. I was not thinking about porn. I just was feeling guilty the rest of the day because I felt I was nothing more than a rabbit. Just edging, with no control. I wanted to loose weight, I wanted to learn new things, I wanted to stop feeling empty, I wanted to hit the gym, I wanted to wake up early and change my life but I stayed in bed, on the internet. And that made me feel worse. I even reached a point where I thought I was not capable of doing nothing unless feeling pleasure.

- I felt so guilty that when I finsihed my "Dopamine Rise", I started to eat without thinking, the first things I saw. My weigth now is 44 pounds more than it used to be when I was a healthy kid doing sports and meeting people.

- I developed my tolerance level to a point where the porn I used to watch was anymore exciting, I needed more, and I started to search things that I actually dont even like, just to feel that feeling of extasis that we all know.

- I devoleped so many thoughts that I would classify as "not moral", that traduced in behaviors of the same nature, where I was constantly searching for more, for that drop of dopamine that would take me to the moon and make me forget that here in Earth, in real life, I am nothing more than an impulsive animal driven by his most primitive desires: Sex, food, sleep. Nothing with control.

- When I am in bed with my girl I have problems being excited sometimes. Like...this is so boring, and I need to develope fantasies, to be excited. Sometimes, I just prefered to be alone that with anyone.

- Because of that I promised my self so many times: "I won´t do it anymore. I am tired. I want to feel better." Actually, each time that I feel anxiety, frustration, a depressed mood, excitment, rage, or guiltiness I end up in the same place. I would say I have not any kind of coping habilities. I guess, as a middle-up class guy, I had everything I wanted, always, raised between cotton I didn´t face difficulties. Also I spended so much time telling my self I had this problem because I was special, I was not able to be happy with the things that "common people mad about consumism would be", so I had to escape until I found "A MAGICAL ANSWER TO MY PROBLEMS"

- I dont think that the roots os my problem is PMO, MO, etc...but as long as I keep escaping to this place, I can not face my problems. The magical answer was not that magical, and the reality was far from fantasy : "I am not special, and it´s ok, there is no magic solution to anxiety, frustration, depression, rage...you just have to face it, each time, all the time, put effort on it, and love your people while you are doing it" Simple. No more thoughts, no more mental masturbation about magical cognitive pathways that would take me to a higher lever of knowledge: "Face it. Do you want something? Work for it. Do you have to make a decission? Choose the one that matches more with love and respect to you, first, and the others. Is it difficult? Put effort on it, you dont control the result, you will be happy just doing your best. And in your free time? Serve the others, make them feel better, and you will feel better. The rest it´s an illusion.
Easy to say it, difficult to implement. I know. It´s an everyday process. I wont change today, but as long as I keep walking in this direction I will be healthy.