Robinthehood

I started daily pmo when I was 21, prior to that I'd had no Internet access. I'd got an injury which pretty much made me housebound for 6 months. Thought I'd hit the jackpot, broadband and all day to pmo. Incredible how quickly it became a habit and then an addiction. And it soon started to feel wrong. I'd pmo before breakfast, have a shower and id be promising myself I'd not do it tomorrow. I'd do that everyday.
I had a few 6 month breaks from porn in the following years when I went travelling. Then from about 26 I was doing it as often as possible.
I first started to quit in 2016. I had a girlfriend, my first long term relationship, I was 36. I was sort of open with her about porn use, and that I wanted to quit. She watched it rarely. It ended up going underground, when she went out for walks I'd be watching porn. Using it behind her back was detrimental to our relationship. I'd either be frustrated or tired from its use. I'd want to do those things I watched except I found it very hard to be open with her about my desires because I felt ashamed of their origins. We broke up after about 3 years together. After that I joined nofap. Achieving days and weeks of no pmo, eventually I got to 90 days no pmo. During that I experienced some of the most intense and challenging times of my life. Some states of being I'd not felt in 20 years, some I'd never felt before. My 90 day stretch ended about New years, since then I've been off and on pmo, a week or two stretches achieved this year but I really lost my focus and direction.
Now I would like to find my direction again. Just after a week I'm feeling it, and acknowledging when I feel urges and what drives them.