stonewall

Here's the cliff notes history of porn in my life: I first saw a dirty magazine in the boys locker room in 6th or 7th grade, and it mesmerized me. After that I started to get my hands on vhs tapes and magazines, but never masturbating to them. Then the internet came along and I was consumed with surfing for porn, and eventually began masturbating to it. I've always been shy, and a little awkward socially, and I definitely believe that porn has kept my self esteem and self confidence in a low, dormant state. I've been stuck in the vicious cycle of PMO'ing to feel some comfort and feel better about myself, but in return feel worse which leads to craving for more PMO!
I never really had a serious girlfriend, or relationship. My first "girlfriend" cheated on me because I was suffering from performance anxiety, which unknowingly at the time was induced by the daily use of porn. I never put 2 and 2 together. So all through college I was shy and not sexually confident. I would have random one night stands with women I didn't even really care about, and it was awful. I always turned back to PMO.
Just in the past few years i've realized what a huge impact this lifestyle has caused on my entire life. My ultimate goal is to have real, meaningful relationships with women. I feel so much more confident around women when I've gone days without PMO. Actually, I feel more social confidence in general. I can look people in the eye, and approach them if need be.
The problem is, it takes a good amount of time for the brain to rewire, especially with the number of years and quantity of usage that I have experienced. The brain is complaining about not receiving that dopamine rush, and often times we relapse. I want to get over the hump that everyone must pass, because I do believe it gets easier. I imagine it will take no less than 90 days, but I know it will be worth it.
And yes, I do agree with you about the health benefits of masturbation, but not with the use of porn or fantasies of porn. I'm going to allow myself at least 30 days before I attempt to masturbate. And it will natural masturbation, concentrating on sensations rather than streaming images of novelty.
As for the blocking software, I see it mainly as a temporary crutch. It can always be by passed, so the person is always going to figure out a way if they so desire. I understand if this is a deal breaker, but I wouldn't benefit from having such software. I will, however, be completely honest with you about any relapses or near relapses that do occur. I'm in this to change my life for the better, to finally find an awesome female and possibly have a family. I am viewing this addiction as a disease, one that is destroying key areas of life. But the good news is I can cure this disease, for FREE! No dr. appointments,prescription, or surgery. All I have to do is not look at porn and allow my brain to naturally rewire itself. When I use this logic, it's absurd for me to not want my mind and body to heal itself.
I've been in self denial for over a decade. I always knew PMO'ing was a bad habit, but I refused to believe it was an addiction. Over time (years and years of failed attempts with women, ED, bad social skills) I finally was truthful with myself about the damage PMO was doing. So, one day I decided to quit. 2 days later I relapsed. That's when the wall of denial came down, and I started to educate myself about my condition. After finding this community and other related sites, I now feel that I have a chance to beat this. One area that I need to improve in is getting more exercise, or at least some sort of physical activity. I've heard this is major cravings killer. I have been keeping a journal, which is a rewarding practice. I have been working with different meditations, and plan on getting back into yoga.