throwawayly Ah Um

(Just reposting my newbie post here)

Hi everybody. I created this account on a rush just now so as I wanted to just brainstorm here. I have never used this website, only looked at it briefly a few times, but too ashamed to get into it for real. So I don't know how some things work yet. But I am not completely newbie about this thing, and what a beautiful thing it is, that I see that you got going on here. I wanna tell some things about my story with NoFap that I have never told anyone. I thank you in advance for reading, as this is gonna be really difficult to write down, (and long asff, sorry) so thanks a lot for the attention.

I have never understood people's sexuality, and that's the main reason why I started masturbating. To belong. When I was a child I was very, very interested in romantic interactions, I wanted to understand what those adults did to each other at night, and why it was so important to them, I was curious. I don't remember vividly but I know that very quickly I went into the opposite end, and was repulsed and disgusted at everything sexual, I just knew that it was a bad, a terrible thing. Sex was at the root of most of my nightmares as a child, which I had frequently. Sex was vile, was the root of all horrors in society, I wanted none of it, I wanted to relate to people, not dominate, not rape. Sex couldn't be the good and pleasant thing the kids talked about to be. I was hated by kids my age at the time, mostly girls, thought I was repulsive, and awfully ugly, made racist and sexist remarks about me, honestly everyone thought I was weird as hell, but I didn't care, to me there was no one 'group' of evil in humanity, I would never hate anyone as much as they hated me, wouldn't generalise, what's the point, I still needed to understand people, why would I hate them? They already hate themselves so much in between them all. My hatred would be unnoticeable. I had a lot more to gain by sharing love, which I always felt so strongly for living beings, than by sharing hatred. Where does that tie to sex, porn and fapping? Love in my eyes was friendship, was fraternity, hate was sexual, was lustful. I didn't notice at first but that's how I saw it. I was terrified of things that I knew, and that I knew the other kids didn't know. There was no way to warn them, why would I? No child should ever get to know these things.

When I was a teenager I was picked on by the other boys, because I was the only boy who had never seen porn in my life. I remember how embarassed I felt when I casually asked what was (dunno If I can say website names here, but you know, a famous one) and every kid laughed at me. Some years prior I had asked what was the initial for "first kiss" in my country's language, and asked if it was a videogame or something, and was made fun of by being a total virgin, a weirdo etc you know the usual. But when puberty hit and I was the only one who didn't speak that language, who didn't want to watch porn, who didn't want to seek girls, who didn't want to seek boys either I felt the weirdest, everyone made a point to make sure I felt this way. There was no way I wasn't gay, they'd say, I liked reading for god's sake! I read in class when all the boys were talking about porn. You're autistic, right?, a teacher once said. A school shooter in the making, the kids would say every morning when they'd arrive, as I was the first kid to arrive hours before class and the school was dark and gloomy and I would enjoy the quiet empty class reading, that was my favorite part of the day tbh. I'd answer back 'if I did kill everyone here you wouldn't be the one laughing' lol didn't help my case there... Point is I couldn't get along with boys, they absolutely didn't know what to make of me. Neither did I.

Now the girls was different because I felt a lot more confortable to talk to them, didn't need to prove that I was a man at every second, didn't have to talk about sex. So I only befriended girls, but for a short time, as they'd get confused as to why I wanted to be friends with them. When it was clear that I didn't want to date them, they'd stop talking to me and ignore me. Friendship was never enough fun. So I ended up befriending a gay guy, who thought I was gay... so when he realised I didn't want to date him either he ghosted me. And that's been my social life for my all of short life so far, and I can never vent about that, because the only friend I had was a red-pilled incel who hated everything and everyone, especially his mother, himself and his bullies, maybe even me, not a healthy company. So he'd think it was just futile sadboy problems, like a humble brag "oh I can't make friends with anyone because the guys hate me and the girls love me, I'm so perfect" (I never said anything like that btw).

In highschool I was even worse, as people treated me like a king, like the man (I switched schools after causing some drama that I wouldn't disclose here). People at first were certain that, put it simply, I was awesome, and must have got a lot of pussy wherever I came from... I attribute that partly because I couldn't care less about anything at that point, I felt drained, I felt soulless, I wasn't worrying about anything anyone thought, not because I was a badass self-confident alpha, but because I felt so broken and burnt out that I let go of caring. I didn't masturbate back then btw. I had stopped. Short interruption to explain about me and masturbation. Put it simply, I hate it, always did and always will. Why I do it? even tonight? (which I hope is the last time) Now That's where I'm trying to get at.

If you're still with me, thanks, this is really a messy vent, kinda like an open diary. So, back in middle school I remember one day, luckly I was out of the class just in time to not witness this monstrosity of an event, I went to the bathroom and when I got back every boy was wilding out, every girl was embarassed, the teacher was out of the class, and the girl who sat in front of me and the boy who sat behind me were gone. I asked what happened and possibly the most surreal sexual nightmare I could've imagine happened. That's right, I left just in time to give room for the guy behind to masturbate like crazy over the girl who sat in front of me. What the fffffffff. I didn't find any of this funny, the guys were laughing histerically, the girls were kinda pissed kinda laughing... It happens that that guy was weird as hell, was always acting out to get attention from people, always fighting (honestly that whole school was dysfunctional as it gets, a circus gone wild), and worst of all, he had a fixation on this girl who sat in front of me who repeated the year, and was, in his eyes, a pornstar, a girl he was gonna marry, even if she didn't want to. She was 13, he was 12 btw. She was the favorite piece of meat of all the boys (and some teachers) at school. She knew, and played to it, by coming to school without bras, which would be received as big news (sorry for the pun) all over school as soon as she arrived. All the other girls were not happy with this at all. She was hated by all the girls, because she was "the different girl". So I felt a bit of pity for her, as I felt similarly, I could only be liked by girls for extremely ridiculous reasons, I was "the guy who is different" (the artistic, sentimental, kinda funny, etc. bleh bleh the edward cullen prince charming... but of course, once they'd know me, I'm just a boy). She hated me though. Didn't matter lol, I asked her if she is pissed at him doing that, she couldn't care less lmao, what. Me too wasn't a thing back then.
Because of that creep I started masturbating, can you fucking believe it? I started masturbating because of a perverted at middle school, I was curious now, what is this some sort of a drug, I mean, it's pretty evil and mindwarping, but it makes the boys get each other, it makes friends. And I wanted to get along with the boys you know. I was so stupid I actually told the other guys the next day that I finally did it... and then I was mocked even more, what did I think I was gonna accomplish. In my eyes I had only done for them, I wasn't trying to do it because I enjoyed, I couldn't care less about enjoying it, I wanted to not get treated like shit by the boys, so they would stop saying I was gay (lol that sounds pathetic), because being the gayboy made everyone despise me, the girls didn't like the gay boy, nor did the boys. I tried everything, bullied a boy, got the boys along to bully him too, to try divert their hatred from me. Tried all sorts of ridiculous things. But you see where I'm getting at?

In highschool though I was that guy, in that newschool nobody despised me. a girl once said that any girl at school would love to date me just for my looks, and that crushed my heart, I couldn't understand why anyone would ever care about looks, sexual appeal, appearance, body shape, image whatever you call it. Where's the feeling? Lol read too many books and talked too little to humans. The hype around my cool guy image didn't last the whole highschool years though. Eventually it became clear that I was pretty damn weird, and my erratic behavior, from taking wrongly prescribed anti-depressants, that killed my mood, me dumping every single girl that tried to get close to me, and the way which I did, almost terrifingly so, as if I was disgusted at them, made the boys think I was gay, and that's a death setence, it's a macho country round here. So the boys hated me, but I think they'd started noticing that it wasn't that I liked men, I clearly didn't lol, I just didn't feel attracted to anyone. Not romantically. I didn't wanna ever date, but I did, and still do crave for friendships. I was just too damn scared of anyone ever finding out why I didn't feel sexually attracted to anyone.

I masturbated a lot in 2015 and in 2018, more than any other year. For around 2016 to 2017 I remember masturbating very rarely, maybe an almost full year streak, so maybe I felt more relaxed about myself, and that made me more likeable. But my terrible social life is more related to trauma by being raped by a man in my early childhood than porn per se. My relation with porn is that I masturbate not for myself. Sex was never a selfish thing, I didn't want to do it when I did it, I don't think I'll ever want to after that. I felt like puking when the girls that liked me would push for flirting, I felt cheated, betrayed, lied to, abused by them, how could they be so nasty. Needless to say, some people, like my incel friend, thought that made me a mysognist, go figure. Other girls could notice that I felt weirded out by the whole situation and so logically stepped away from me in embarassment. That gay friend too. And that's it, I could never run back to them to explain rape and stress related sex phobia, nope, just move on man.

I'm really sorry if you had to read all of that. Well, basically I'll resume that I tried to force being interested in sex by going to prostitutes in my city, of which there are many, after overhearing the boys in class telling of their first sex experiences and how porn was much better, or with a hooker would've been better. I'd usually, in middleschool, tell 'em that they shouldn't masturbate because that's evil, my grandma told me (laugh track), it's not even fun (this kid gay asf!), or worst of all, you should save it for a girl you like when you're both ready (wtf get back to narnia you child). But by my highschool years I was already consumed my trauma, stress, fear, and criticising fappers was basically hypocritical. So I decided to be less "feminist" (as my red-pilled absolutely great supportive friend /s would say) or be less sissy boy and go for a prostitute. Maybe it was all in my head. I wasn't even raped! wtf, I just invented this memory to make an excuse for my fragile self worth and entirely normal teen boy virginal angst. I'm fine, I'm not crazy, these people are! So, about that... I was raped. That's it. I have that memory, I remember it since before porn, before puberty, it's just it. No need to make an if of that, it's past me. Now my problem is how that affects my now. Oh, and about the prostitute, obviously I hated it, I tried to go there in my best mood possible, tried to feel it, didn't care about it, prepped by not masturbating for many months, trying to keep a good view of the world, at which point I almost didn't care about proving myself to be a normal straight man. But I had to, it was a duty, I was just gonna have sex with a woman, don't matter how morally corrupt I felt that prostitution was, I was gonna like it, and I was gonna forget about every night I tried to enjoy porn, and man I tried, tried so hard, the more I masturbated the worst I felt, so I'd try the next day, until fapping becaming a habit about becoming a good man, a man that's not hated, feared, and self-hating, (ironic from what I seen in this site, some would say fapping does the actual opposite) proving I wasn't a broken kid, I was normal like them, so I didn't I enjoy it? there had to be something wrong with me. The more I'd fap the more I'd need a more violent fantasy also, because I don't know how to unframe that out of my mind but, sex is a violent thing, in my unconscious. It's almost like a reversal of roles, and accepting the bullying I received, people saying I'd probably rape someone one day, because of my blank stare, my lack of interest in dating, whatever. But it's in my dreams, it's in my heads, it's everywhere, porn is rape, beauty is rape, teen-love is just curiosity over the rape they see in the media, learn from the adults etc, hell when teachers would say to my teen self that I was the hottest guy in the class they'd grope me, flirt with me, without me signaling that I wanted that, when teens would do it, I'd run away from them, but not the adults, as sadly it did turn on to make adults happy in this dark twisted way, the teens always hated me, and even when they didn't they'd make fun of me. So i grew up think every bit of pleasure come from sex in this world was prohibited from me, just like the song poupée de cire, poupée de son. Even in masturbation, everywhere everything adores violence, adores rape, and here people think men can't get raped, only women can - that's another topic I guess, which frustrated me a lot, but now I'm fine with being an invisible men who will die without speaking up, aside from this throwaway and therapy, which I did late last year, and it was helpful to an extent. More so than the therapy in my early teens, mid-teens or whenever, because I didn't talk about my trauma then.

But what triggered me to come here was a video. In this pandemia I decided to start nofap for real seriously this time, because now It's a habit, I don't do it to feel a high, I don't feel a high, I feel a sense of responsibility, a sense of 'here we go again', of exorcising those demons of the past. From March to April I took cold showers, took care of myself, felt great! But late april to July I got back to it, didn't do shit, felt like shit, y'all know the drill. This month of August though I felt awesome, I didn't even think about it, about rape, trauma, about sex, about the girls I tricked into being friends, how do you say in english hm friendzone? Idk if that's the word for that. Anyways I felt pretty good. But I watched a yt video of a girl I was really attracted to, nothing sexual, romantic, or anything, just inspired, she just had such a fantastic vibe to her, something about her was easily likeable and understable. Her channel's name is ShaelinWrites. She had a video from some years ago where she details her novel. And I was like, you know I always wanted to write a novel, finish my music album, etc. Have that will, that self-acceptance she glows through with. And then in a video of her channel she comes out as Ace. Assexual. I had read about this before but for the first time I felt something about this. I saw people writing that it's great that she came out. I was thinking, damn I wanna do that. So thanks if you read all this long, I'm Ace. I like people, could never date a man after being raped by one, but women are ok, there was one that was really patient to me, there can be a second one. But relantionships to me don't need sex as priority or even as a thing at all. And that's it. But I felt horrible today, I just couldn't accept being in the queer spectrum maybe Idk, I think I would be foolish to pretend I don't have any homophobia from growing up in this country, plus everybody has always told me I'd make a fine boyfriend, I'm good with girls, I should get a girlfriend, even that hooker damn her said 'you're good looking why don't you have a girlfriend' (aka why are you here, didn't you see the creepy old man that walked by, mean stuff woman not nice! not after I paid you already) so today I masturbated to try to force the hetero in me. Or the sexual. Or whatever the term is. It's what the people want. Fuck what I want, what I want is solitude, a sexless life with writing, reading and singing alone in a foreign cold country. I'm a people pleaser, I can't help, I got to straighten the queer, the 'queer me' is hated, the straight is not. To try straighten my mind I read a story about a girl who went to a gangbang with 8 men on reddit, and I was repulsed, I couldn't understand, she liked loosing control completely? Well I didn't fifteen years ago, and I wouldn't now, but why does she, that's disgusting, it's like it's another language, why do people like that, sex thing, what is it with this? I just hated being so confused about it, so I fapped after a month clean, I become putrid and stinky and sticky and smelly as that disgusting creep in middlecass. I said that's enough. So by coming out here, finally telling people I been through all that, I can finally begin. I'm really sorry for wriitng so much, I just really needed to vent, I'm sorry if you read all of this. But thanks as well. I appreciate it.
Have your best day so far, and an even better after! Thanks again.