24 y/old fem joining

Hello everyone. I'm a 24 year old female from Mexico. I've been battling my addiction to porn and masturbation ever since 2015.
It started when I was in college, I started to get a really bad depression and anxiety episode for the first time in my life; I felt like I wasn't good enough as everybody expected me to be: my family, my friends, my teachers; and it hit me, really bad. Suddenly I started to quit some classes, I stopped doing my homework and chores, and stopped other responsibilities I had besides school. Everything got worse because I was living alone at the time in a pretty small room close to my school, so with nobody around I started to stay entire weeks without going out or seeing my friends and family.
As anyone else I started to be curious about my sexuality, and I started to experiment with masturbation and porn, but at least before I was 20 that never really got me hooked up. But when I finally was able to reach the orgasm is when everything went downhill, and masturbation and porn became the way to fulfill my anxiety and depression at least for some minutes. Getting my self into a never ending cycle of self hate and low mental health.

Ever since then I've been trying to quit, but for years I wasn't successful. The longer I went was 3 months, just to relapse at day 91.
After I finished college, I came back to live with my parents, so it wasn't so easy to just stay at home all day without anyone being concerned for me (back at my college room I lied to everybody: my parents thought I was at school and my friends and teachers at home), and since we have a small convenience store I stay almost the entire day here. Yet still I find time really late at night to keep doing PMO.
That was the situation until last year, in the second half of it I got into a graduate program of about 6 months. I was really excited and motivated, as I've ever been in my life; but unfortunately things got bad pretty quickly, and my depression started kicking in once again, taking me to really dark places, and things got ugly. I started to relapse like crazy once again.
I ended up dropping out, losing my time, my money and my energy; getting myself into a mess of lies, problems and depression that still is effing up my life to this day. I hit rock bottom so bad.

Ever since the first time, luckily I became aware of my addiction and mental health, I started to inform myself and take action to make myself feel better. Unfortunately it wasn't as easy as I thought and kept relapsing over and over. Obviously because I haven't got any professional help.
But that last bad episode in my life make me want to make that change definitive and don't comeback to a place where I'm always quitting everything and falling into depression, so I decided that 2018 was going to be the year I was going to change for good, starting from my addiction and my mental health.

It has being better compared to the last years at least, I started quitting porn which was my main addiction, or so I thought. I believed that if I quitted porn everything will go away, the rest of the PMO cycle, because at first I wasn't able to feel aroused if I wasn't watching porn. I haven't watch porn or visited any sites suchlike since day 1 of 2018. But my addiction is still kicking in and I have watch some softcore porn, mainly pictures, and listened to erotic audios, every so often. And ending the entire PMO cycle -just without the P. I thought it wouldn't affect my life such as porn did in the past, and a catastrophe like the ones I already mentioned hasn't happened, but the feelings of guilt, depression, and low motivation are still present and that's no good. Therefore I have decided to quit PMO altogether, starting July 2018.

So, for that, no Porn, no Masturbation. I find it quite difficult to have any kind of sexual intercourse since I'm not in a relationship. Actually I've never been in a serious relationship, just little things here and there. And I also haven't had sex. So that's that. But I want to feel free from PMO and rewire my brain before getting into anything serious anyway.

So, that is my story and why I'm here. I haven't told anybody from my family or group of friends out of fear of being judge. So I hope here I will find the help and support of people who are in the same situation as me. And also be able to share because there's a lot of things I would like to tell others like me.

 

@Brain-Police @John DK @Ambrose Grant @drac16 @r8js
I really want to thank everyone who took the time to answer my first post, it means the entire world to me, you have no idea. It lift my spirit so much, as nothing has in the last months. Thank you so much!

 

@oscar24
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this lengthy response, you have made very good points and invaluable advice for me.
Tu principal consejo realmente me abrió los ojos, pues como tu dijiste, tan sencillo como puede parecer, es algo que no tenía tan consciente. Mi principal meta por ahorita es enfocarme en superar esta adicción, que había dejado en segundo plano todo lo demás. Recientemente mis deseos aumentaron más que en los últimos meses principalmente por que he pasado por momentos de cambio que a veces dejan mi motivación hasta el suelo, y han hecho los impulsos más fuertes, y a veces pienso que arreglando mi adicción, todo se solucionará. Pero tienes mucha razón con tus palabras. Te lo agradezco mucho.
Tampoco me considero una persona muy religiosa, de hecho tengo mis conflictos con el tema. Pero estaba consciente de la fuerza que te da la espiritualidad, y mientras me había decidido a leer y educarme acerca del tema, no sabía por donde empezar pues el tema es muy extenso. Por eso tus recomendaciones llegan como caídas del cielo. Sin duda las consultaré.

De verdad, muchísimas gracias.
También te envió mis mejores deseos!