Hard journey hopefully will get easier

I’m sad today because I feel like he’s hiding things from me. Not PMO, but urges and the way he feels. I wrote this:

I’m just struggling to be the best I can and support my bf in his battle. Sometimes even when he just tells me that he had urges I become instantly sad, although I know I shouldn’t because he is still working hard to prevent relapse.

In addition, a while back I watched porn a little because I thought it would help me understand what he was going through. Unfortunately, I believe that the porn affected me differently as I wanted to have sex with my bf more. Additionally, I now sometimes get urges of my own. Was this a mistake? Am I slightly addicted now myself? I didn’t MO, just watched porn.

I feel that my boyfriends urges are getting worse again and I’m preparing for a relapse, but I want to prevent it as long as I can. Any ideas?

In addition, today we had sex because he was having urges but wanted to have sex, and I thought that it would help them go away. Which it did, but then they came back by the end of the night. He is very tired now and thinks his tiredness has something to do with his urge, does that seem consistent with anyone else? Should I be concerned for a relapse?

He seems to be in a state where he often thinks about other women in sexual ways and I know he doesn’t mean it and it’s his addiction talking. But it still makes me extremely insecure and sad. Especially because I often don’t know about it happening. He can easily be triggered by movies or (I think) even just seeing people on the streets. I have low self-esteem and self-confidence already, and want to maintain whatever confidence I have.

Sadness seems to make his urges worse. Should I feel like I’m the cause of he’s having urges because I got upset at him?

I’m really tired too so sorry if this is bad. I’m just paranoid of him relapsing because he doesn’t always tell me about his relapses. I want to support him the best I can.

I read on one of his posts that he was having pretty strong urges yesterday. I thought they were minor. He also apparently had sexual thoughts about other women. It’s just sad for me. I’m just trying to support him the best I can.

 

He has been reaching out to people in the forums and has told his best friend about his addiction. I don’t know if he hit rock bottom, but he has told me he has tried to quit for years, but our relationship has given him more motivation to quit. It seems to be a hard situation, but I think the best I can do is support him the best I can at this point.

 

You are probably right. I find it hard not to read his posts. Especially his replies to others because I often come across them while looking at various forums. But I will try to stop and see how that goes. Thanks!

 

Thanks!