Husband and father of two, new fapstronaut

Hi Fellow Fapstronauts,

I’m 33 and have been married for nearly four years, in a relationship for five. I have two daughters.

Last weekend at a friend’s wedding I got extremely drunk. I remember trying to have sex with my wife in our hotel room one minute, and the next thing I knew I was on the bed with my head in my hands, having just told her that I was a porn addict. I don’t know what prompted me to say this, but out it came. My wife has been distressed about our lack of intimacy for the entirety of our marriage. In the back of my mind I knew that it was because of my porn habit, but I think that I couldn’t even admit it to myself. I’d think, “sure I like to watch porn, but really the problem is that we argue too much and when that happens I lose interest sexually.” I must’ve at least realized the real problem subconsciously recently to have admitted this to her.

I’ve watched porn in some fashion since I was probably 11 years old, starting with scrambled Spice channel and moving on to internet porn once that became prevalent and accessible. For as long as I can remember I’ve PMOed at least once per day, and this has persisted through two long term relationships and a few shorter term ones. At the beginning of each relationship I notice that I don’t need porn, and I think this relationship is different, but eventually the desire for something different always wins and I succumb to it, which has led to many sexless relationships and frustrated significant others.

I hadn’t looked at porn for two days prior to that night (Saturday) and decided right then and there that it was time to stop. I restarted last night.

I hadn’t had a conversation about all of this again with her until this morning so needless to say there was a lot of tension between us before then. Unfortunately, there still is a lot of tension, as my wife (rightfully) blames me for having stolen five years of sex from her. She says that if we didn’t have kids she would leave me on the spot, and she’s not sure if we’re going to make it through this. Throughout our relationship troubles she thought that at least I was a moral and good person, and now she has doubts about that. At least for now she’s lost the desire to be intimate with me. I’ve long had feelings of guilt and shame about my habit, but today cannot be matched in terms of the level of shame that I feel. I’m sure there are others who have been in very similar situations as this, and if you have any advice on how to move forward, I would really appreciate it.

I’ve made an appointment with a sex therapist for Friday, and obviously have signed up for this site. I’ve been aware of nofap for quite some time, seeing as though I’m an avid redditor (my sn is different over there) and had huge misconceptions regarding the nature of the site. Thank you in advance for your help and support and I hope that I can also bring something positive to the community.

Best,
PodcastEnthusiast

PS: That same night I decided to go for a dry month, so I’m on day four of sobriety from alcohol, as I drink every night and have been saying for at least a year that I needed to do so. I’m doing a sobriety double whammy and I can tell you that so far avoiding booze is much easier.

 

Thank you all for your encouraging words.