Lack of intimacy

I have been in a long term relationship with my husband for almost 20 years. There is a big age difference and things don't work the way they used too.
I miss being fully intimate and no longer am I satisfied in the way that I used to be. It took me many years to come to terms with my sexuality and what feels like own briefly had a chance to explore it in a safe and loving caring way. But there has always been a problem with porn in my family and also addictive behavior. So I understand what I am looking for when watching porn (in the past - I am 6 months porn free, but still struggling) that what I seek is the intimacy what I had once with my partner and don't and won't find that with a stranger. Well I ever get beyond the want if my needs are not being met. The love is very much still there and I accept what we have is a beautiful thing and that porn is only an illlusion of that intimacy. My question is - what is on the other side of abstinance for an ex catholic. Why am I doing this other than knowing that after the release and anticipation and chemicals produced in the brain are done after the wanking experience. If I'm not looking for salvation in a dogmatic deity based religious set of beliefs then why am I doing this - other than knowing there is nothing at the end of the porn and also nothing in the abstinance other than constant frustration and emptiness.

 

Thank you for your time - yes I am a gay man in an intergenerational relationship. We do cuddle and have some intimacy and we won't be divorcing and the relationship continues to evolve. Maybe I just have to accept it for what it is - although this still leaves me unsatisfied, not with him as a person or our love for one another, just that full trust of another person whom you love, I have been grieving for this loss for a few years now and don't know another way other than just accepting it and the pain that comes with it.