90 Days and Counting

Hey all. Want to share my story in case anyone else has gone through anything similar & hope it can give someone who reads it hope.

I’m in my late 20s. Started experimenting with porn as an early teen. I’d say I have a good 15 years of thinking I need the dopamine that porn gave me.

It all started because I was an awkward, lonely 12-13 year old. I either played video games or PMO’d for fun. It was that simple.

I didn’t know what I was into then. From 13-17 I downloaded every kind of porn you can probably think of. Everything. I didn’t care. Favorites were various straight categories and transwoman. But I feel like I tried most everything that was out there always looking for a new high. Some of the shit was definitely illegal, and I regret ever looking at it on a weekly basis. I try to shrug it off and tell myself I was just a kid then. I intentionally found my mom’s vibrator, tried her underwear on, and experimented with other odd, embarrassing fetishes in that time frame. I can say with confidence that these were the lowest points of my life.

Junior-Senior year of high school was a turning point for me socially. I wouldn’t consider myself “cool,” but I started to party more, hooked up with girls for the first time, and gained self-confidence. Despite this I still needed the feeing PMO gave me. In fact I discovered that PMOing when either drunk or high was even more fun than it was sober.

I started college. Same shit. I had friends, I went out, I PMOd. But college is when my taste became more defined. transwomen. Constant fantasies about them. I’d go maybe a couple of weeks PMOing to something else, but I would always come back to the transwomen. It’s just something about them. How they look like girls, but they have this secret. I couldn’t shake it. College lasted 5 years, and I was probably sober from transwomen for a maximum of 6 months (while still PMOing to other genres) within that time frame. I bought toys to experiment with anal stimulation. I threw them out after not many uses because I would be so disgusted with myself after using them. I started a long distance relationship during that time. She had no idea, and the only way I think it really affected our relationship was sexually. I struggled to keep an erection lots of times because I had tuned my brain specifically for a certain type of sex (transwomen). But she was innocent and great and didn’t love me any less for occasionally disappointing in bed.

I graduated college. I moved in with this girl. For nearly a year I struggled with the same fantasies that had haunted me throughout my entire adult life. I never acted on these by paying for escorts or live cam girls, but I can’t say I didn’t consider it or fantasize about doing it.

She would go to sleep before me. I’d stay up, watch a video on my phone, PMO in the bathroom then crawl in bed with her. I’d shower, MO to my usual fantasies, then come out like nothing happened. I would go on a road trip and PMO while driving. I even bought another toy to use for a week while she was out of town (threw that one out eventually after using and being disgusted with myself). That’s how low I continued to stoop to get that fix I felt like I needed. Ultimately I didn’t pay her much sexual attention because I was still getting my fix from where I was used to getting it.

November 2018 I discovered nofap, and I’ve never been happier. A whole community of people who have struggled with similar issues to my own. It was the first place that really convinced me that in order to kick my transwoman habit, I need to kick PMO all together. Once I made that decision I haven’t looked back, and I don’t ever plan to. I have had nightmares about relapses that turn into wet dreams. The relief I feel after waking up and realizing I didn’t actually relapse, and that it was all a dream is a big motivator to stay sober. Despite that, the biggest motivator is my girlfriend whom I still live with, and our sexual lives have never been better since I started. It doesn’t happen daily, but it happens enough to keep us both happy.

I’m over 90 days sober now, and I can imagine going back. That’s not a typo. I can imagine going back to what I used to do, and it is not the kind of life I want to live. I’m done with that. That’s not to say every day has not been without urges, but every day the urges fade a little more.

Let’s fucking do this, guys! Fuck porn, we don’t need that shit! We deserve to be proud of ourselves for resisting!

Anyone who has recently relapsed: I’ve been there countless times. Hope to never be there again. There will be a relapse for all of us that will be our last. We can fucking do this!!!!