I eat sugar because I have no reason to live.

I have lived a relatively joyless life. Some good things came into it (relationship, job) but I threw it all away after a series of idiotic and impulsive decisions. I checked out of this life long ago and now I'm just waiting around for the next one.

Though I am at my lowest point probably ever, I am also on my 34th day PMO-free, which is the longest I've gone since discovering P in my early-mid teens. But a cloud of hopelessness and regret still hangs over me. I often fall back into the habit of mindless snacking, for instance eating spoonfuls of Nutella as if it were a bowl of cereal, because there is nothing else good in my life. I've always been able to get away with this stuff from a physical standpoint because of my high metabolism and because I play soccer and tennis frequently. But this refined sugar is poison to the neurotransmitters. Lots of wasted dopamine.

I only feel contented, meditative, distant from the body when I'm using cannabis or ecstasy (or, for some reason, a combination of fasting and caffeine can do it for me). If I am to find my way to that mindset without external stimulants, I have to let my neurotransmitters get back in balance and start producing some serotonin again. I know that eating sweet things is not the way to go, but I am at an extremely low point. My sister has been kind enough to let me stay with her and my brother in law while I try to get myself back into the job market. No luck with that so far. Other than that I am working on a fantasy novel. I progress a little bit with it each day but it's hard to motivate myself to engage in creative pursuits when I know that I don't have a stable foundation.

Despite the PMO-free month, I have not noticed any significant increase in my wellbeing. I am still sleeping restlessly and having bad dreams every night. I think self-improvement starts with learning how to get a good night's sleep, which I am hindering with my shitty eating habits. So, in 2020, this is the goal I want to move toward: eat cleaner, and leave at least 7 hours in between meals so that I can digest properly and feel real hunger before eating.

 

Thank you for the kind words! Little by little is indeed the way. Every moment is a choice.

Whether consciously or not, we all understand that fleeting sense pleasures are not a foundation on which to build our lives. Everything we do, we do with the goal of aligning ourselves with the infinite.