Optimistically hopeless? Hopelessly optimistic?

This is going to be my journal. I need a place to get my thoughts out. I may give some back round info, but currently that is no my goal.
It has been a 9 months since the last DDay, and it will be the last. If it happens again I will leave, no matter how much it hurts and how much I don't want to. Nine months he has been clean of PMO, but we are still stuck in what I feel is early recovery. He hasn't been clean of lying, each lie is a knife to my heart. A wedge between 'us'. Some days I feel there is no 'us'. Some days I feel like there is no 'me' anymore. It has been 16 years of lies and broken promises. 16 years of heartache, of brokenness. I always want to give 'one more chance', think 'this time is different'. And I know this time is different. I have made up my mind that I have had enough abuse. But I will give him a chance to get better and to help us get better too. But knowing that I will not put up with certain things any longer and that I may loose him and everything is causing me to put up walls that I don't want. This distance I've forced up are the opposite of me. I am not outgoing, I don't like to be around people. I keep to myself but with the ones I love I am open, honest, caring. I feel like this wall is destroying me as much as his PMO has.

I feel like he is just abstaining to a point, not in true recovery. Not asking himself the hard questions. He has answered some questions but there has been no true disclosure. I feel stuck. I feel like he hides from himself and is afraid to dig deeper. Afraid of what he will find out if he looks. Afraid what I will think if I find the 'true him'. Afraid I will leave. I can't even promise that I will not leave, once I know the truth. If I make that promise that would be a lie. I will say that it is highly unlikely that I would leave however. I am fairly confident that I will still stand by him, like I always have. Even when he didn't want me there, even when I just got in the way of his PMO. Even when I was treated like nothing and ignored.

I have to add, that it hasn't all been bad. We have had a lot of good times together. Why does the bad stick in my mind, why does the hurt shine through the most? We have supported each other through good and bad, happiness and pain.
I will say that all of this crap has made me look into myself and work on the negatives I don't like about myself. Has helped me to ask myself the hard questions and look for real, honest answers. I know a lot more about myself, I just have no one to share it with. But I am mostly ok with that.

What I want now in my life is an honest partner, good and bad. Flaws and all. We don't always have to agree about everything, it is ok to have different opinions. If this doesn't work out I have no plans of ever dating again. I'd rather be alone that go through lies again. I don't trust anyone I'd meet to be PMO free, and I don't trust someone to be honest about using or not. I will NEVER be with someone who uses p. Ever. I don't care if they did at one point. I've spent a good amount of time thinking about this over the years I spend distancing myself while hoping I mattered to him. When things looked hopeless and I knew my choices were to stay miserable and wishing I would just die or to be miserable and leave. I gave all I had to him, and I am unwilling to give myself to anyone again.

So, this is where I stand now. Waiting for the truth, hoping for our future. Drowning in pain, feeling alone even while in his arms. Giving him time to work out his own issues, I know it isn't easy. Waiting with patience I don't have. I am tired of the dishonesty. Tired of being told one thing and then seeing him not follow through or doing something different. He just says what he thinks I want to hear. I try to believe nothing he says until I can see it happen. If I believe him it just hurts more. So. I don't know. I know my hope hurts me more when the things he promises doesn't happen. And no matter how cynical I am about the world I believe, deep down, that he will do as he promises. Do what he says he will. And that just leads to more pain. It is like a horrible parody to Groundhogs Day. You'd think I'd learn.

 

PSA: Never ever grab the cable tie out attached to your(or any other) running dog to stop them. This is even more important if your dog weighs as much as some people. \

Ripped the skin off one hand, all wrapped up now. But it hurts like hell. I know better, but you know how it is. It was fine every other time. lesson learned.

 

Things I want to do for me. Over the last four or so years I am been really loosing 'me'. Not much brought joy and I'd spend most of my time reading. Because reading was the only way to keep the thoughts away. It was the worst after our last DDay, I couldn't do anything but read or I'd start to spiral downward into a terrifying depression worse than any I have felt before. I know I have issues, I've struggled with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember among other problems. One thing that was scaring me was my lack of want to add an animal into my life. Animals have always been a huge part of me, I have always had many different types from big to tiny. No matter how bad I felt I would always get up to care for them and they always offered support. Over the last few years I haven't lost my interest in pets, but I can not bring myself to bring another one into my life. This is something I have a very hard time talking about, it saddens me.

But that wasn't the point of this, it is however something that weighs on my mind often.

There are things I want to start to do, things I enjoy that I have pushed aside. I still read a lot, books, forums, articles. I've always read a lot, it was an escape when I was younger and something I love to do. Currently I am reading a series of fantasy novels by a Polish author Andrzel Sapkowski, The Witcher. They inspired a video game series by the same name. Video games are something else I want to get back into. I know that sounds backwards because so many people try to limit or stop playing video games. But it is something I like, I use to play Nintendo with my Grandmother when I was young. I just haven't been able to get the energy or will up to play most games and I'd like to play a few times a week.
I haven't really been inspired to write in years, I use to write parts of stories. Never finished one but next to reading writing was always there. I find that I would write more when I was depressed, I think I was using it as an escape. As a teen I lived in my stories. Writing poems too, but I find I write poems best when I am unhappy. Happy and cheerful ones don't do it for me. Drawing is something else I use to do a lot. But I have some issues with my hands so I haven't really picked it back up.
As far as art, I recently started to needle felt which is a lot of fun. I've only completed a couple pieces, animals of course. A chinstrap penguin, a mallard duck and a harp seal. I've started two others, a pig for my BF's mother and one of our dogs that passed recently. I am struggling with the legs and gave up. I know I can do it if I just put my mind to it. I can't do it until my hand heals up though.
Sewing, I've made a couple pairs of pants on my sewing machine. I'd like to find something I can make and possibly sell. I like making things, whether it be drawing, felting, sewing, sculpting or cooking. A lot of this is limited my my hands, they tingle and then start to go numb if I do certain things. I just need to find a balance. Next year I'd like to really get back into my gardens too, I let them go this year. On the up side this a lot of wildlife that get food from the weeds and seeds growing and I always enjoy watching them. I let it go because when I am outside there is nothing to quite my thoughts. At the time I just couldn't do it but I am learning how to not get overwhelmed by them. It doesn't always work but I am working at it.
Walking. We do take near daily walks with out dog, but I want to do more. Get to the park and walk the woods more often. Nature is soothing, calming. The weather has been bad for outdoors stuff lately, nothing but rain. I also need to get back into yoga. I was doing good with it and it helps my pain a lot. Between diet change and yoga I cut my migraines back to less than once a week, where before they would be nearly daily. My physical pain has also been more tolerable.

So my list, Reading, writing, drawing, games, felting, sewing, gardening, walking, yoga. Long term, get to a place where I feel safe enough to bring another animal into our lives. My BF, Nugget9 has talked about getting another dog and while I would be overjoyed to do that I can't. Not yet.

 

The dishonesty and being closed off are wearing on me. What makes it worse is that I stupidly still have some hope that makes it all hurt more each time. The inconsistencies, saying one thing and not following through or just agreeing because that is what he thinks I want to hear. As far as I can tell he hasn't relapsed, but struggles so much with being open and honest. If something takes effort he is unlikely to do it. He will answer a direct question, most of the time. But that is not what I want. I don't want to have to ask direct questions, I want him to be open and honest with me. He'll say 'you know how I feel' 'you know I love you', you know this or that or whatever. NO I DON'T! I don't know anything, I know what you want me to think, I don't know the real you. I don't know what you feel or think! What I don't think he gets is if he would just fucking talk a lot of these issues would be avoided. But he is afraid to talk, or struggles with it so doesn't push himself to do it. He can barely talk about sex, 'you know what I like' or 'I like what we do' are the typical answers. It is getting infuriating.

He's talked about going to therapy since December but nothing has come of it. I've asked a few times if it is something he'd think would help, he says maybe. Last night after a, not fight but I don't have a better word right now he says that he'll call a therapist Monday. I looked before and can not find a CSAT in this area. I think there was on but it was religion based and we are not religious. I'm not sure what would be best for him.

I'm just aggravated, irritated and depressed right now. I'm figuring out that I NEED open and honestly from him. I'm afraid he can't or won't do it. I don't know if I can go on without it.

 

You know what one of my biggest triggers is, a shower. And it is something I can't really avoid either, I mean sure I could. Nearly every shower the same flood of thoughts and memories come over me. Some days I can get away from them, other days I can calmly let them come and go. But other days they just pull me down and batter me, relentless.

 

My hands have broken out in stress related bumps, I forget the name currently but I have gotten them once before. They aren't too much of a bother, but I've never gotten these type of stress related issues until the last few years. I have a stress rash on my leg that is finally starting to go away. That popped up a few years ago and at the worse point was spreading across both legs, now it is a small patch on one leg. When the stress goes up the rash starts to spread. But it seems only certain things make these things flare up. My normal anxieties don't cause me these issues. I do wonder what else this crap is doing to my body and health that I can not see. I know that these relationship and PMO stress causes my blood glucose to run low, I have type one diabetes.

 

Living with this PA and betrayal trauma is like having a deep wound. Sometimes it feels like the surface has healed up, scabbed over but the infection is still deep down. It grows like an abscess, painful until it burst out in a mess. As time goes on like any other pain you get use to it, though you know that it shouldn't seem normal to live with the pain.

Yesterday Nugget was going through DVDs to sell a group of horror movies. We use to buy lots of movies to sell so we have a lot of them. I went to help and asked him if it was safe, he said yes. Guess what, it wasn't. Nothing hard core but that doesn't matter, major trigger. I can't fathom why he left that in there(it was still wrapped, I know he never watched it), why he would have thought I was ever ok with those kinds of videos there. He said he figured we would sell it, but even deep in his PA he has to have known how I would react to it. I don't understand. This is no price that would make me feel ok with having it in my possession or be associated with it and that kind of crap. I've also found my anger, it has just been smothered by the pain. I don't want the anger, nor the pain. And I will not take that anger out on Nugget or anyone else.

So I don't know. I want to get past this part, I want to move forward. But I'm stuck. He doesn't want to see the damage he has caused and keeps putting things off. I'm still waiting for a full, or mostly? disclosure. I'm not sure if it will ever happen and that holds me back in our relationship. I'm afraid that the only way to heal is to split up. That is NOT what I want at all. He has don't a lot towards breaking the PA, he has done a lot to better himself. He really has done a lot. I see that and tell him so. But the deeper and painful seems to get pushed to the side. He said he'd make an appointment with a therapist on Monday, he finally left a message on Friday. One issue is that we can not find any CSAT around here. Only one I could find and they are religious based, so that won't work.

 

I don't stress eat either. I can do my normal insulin, eat a normal meal and then have my BS plummet when I'm stressed. Some days when I'm really triggered I can spend the day fighting to keep my BS above 65. Most of the time I have pretty good BS, though this is pretty recent for me. The last few years I've really taken control of myself. I've been T1D for so long I think I just got lax about taking care of it. I've changed my diet, check my BS way too much(I'd really like to get a continuous blood glucose monitor) and do yoga regularly.

 

There have been many times I've thought of writing here and I just don't. I just don't want to think on this stuff that deeply to get it out, so I push it back. But it is always still there. Triggers everywhere no matter how good the day is going. The relationship is going well, his recovery is doing good. I am not. I'm still waiting for the things he says he will do but puts off. I still feel he just says what he thinks I want to hear sometimes. Sometimes it feels like it is all too much. But I'll wait, hope and hurt.

 

Thank you.
Yeah, me too. This is something I struggle with badly. For the most part I have avoided hurt in my life by avoiding people. I have some issues and people cause me pretty bad anxiety. I never really thought about it until recently. I have always preferred the company of animals and nature to people. I have lived a lot of my life in my own head, in my stories, in fantasy. Over the last few years I have been examining myself and learning a lot about why I feel or think the things I do.
In this case I know some of what is holding me back is the waiting. Waiting for him to finally follow through with what he's said. I've been waiting for the full disclosure, and waiting. I need it all out to be able to begin giving my all back to the relationship.

 

I always put off writing here even when I want to do it. Sometimes I just don't want to think about it anymore. Sometimes it feels it is just more of the same. Though this won't be about what is going on with me, I just want to write this out somewhere. My little sister recently broke up with her boyfriend of 11 years, they have a 3 year old son together. My family is screwed up, nice people but most of them have substance abuse problems. My sister told me they had been drinking too much and he started hard drugs which he was using when they met but then stopped. He has been spiraling downward for some time now to the point that their kids says 'daddy doesn't live here'. He was spending a lot of time in drug areas, including hiring hookers. She called the cops on him when he choked her then passed out, though not before shaving his head, one eyebrow and goatee. She said he has been violent before, but I don't think she has told anyone else that. She told me what amounts to a lot of addict behaviors and I really hope she doesn't take him back. She is now fighting to quit drinking but says she get violently ill if she just stops so is weaning herself off. I'm afraid that is an excuse to not give it up. So our mom has been staying with her, but my mom is an alcoholic. It is a shitty situation all around. She is far away but we have been talking and messaging. I give her the support I can, and I understand what she is going through more than she can know. I haven't and have no plans to tell my family about the PA.

My sister told me last night our mom stayed over, they were both drinking and got into a fight. My mom will not stop drinking, I have no doubt of that. My aunt had a liver transplant due to drinking and now she is back at it. She is also fighting cancer from smoking. I love my family but I really need to keep my distance from them. On top of the substance abuse issues a lot of us have other medical problems. I'm sure some of the abuse is from the pain, self medicating. I know when I was younger I did it. Now I do take pain meds, but the lowest dose and I do other things to try to help. I wished I thought like this years ago, but eh. But now I have little patience for drunks/druggies.

So now my sister is fighting alcohol, a drugged up drunk ex that she has to deal with, a drunk mother. She doesn't work and the physical pain makes it very hard to work full time. She has a place to live but at this point it is full of triggers and she really needs to get herself out of there.

 

I'm tired. I'm tired of him sleeping all the time. He gets up early for a few hours then sleeps after breakfast. If I don't wake him up he'll sleep for hours. Then lays down again in the middle of the day and again will sleep for hours if I don't wake him or set an alarm. Then has to go to bed at 10 pm on the dot, even though he spends half the day sleeping. He says he doesn't want to sleep so much, says he wants to change the habits. But does NOTHING to change it. It is really pissing me off. I get he has health problems, so do I. I understand that he doesn't always feel well and needs to lay down. But that isn't what this is, this is habit. I'm pissed, I'm tired. I'm tired of hearing 'you're right', 'I need to do this or that' and seeing nothing done. He thinks because he hasn't PMO'd in nearly a year things are fine, that because he doesn't have those thoughts(he says) that things are going great. He doesn't seem to get that while HE is making progress WE are stuck because he will not face some things. He says he knows what he needs to do, plans to do. But never follows through with it. I know it is hard to face, I know the stress and pain. But I am getting so tired. It is going to take more than just stopping PMO and we are stuck. I feel like I am being pushed to the end, I'm tired.

 

I read a little of my journal, I know I said that there would be no more DDays or I was out. And yet I'm still here. Giving another chance. I'm not one for absolutes. We've had a perfect storm of shit circumstances and I don't feel like all is lost even if we lost a lot of ground recently. I'm unsure if we will work, I'm unsure if he will face the things he needs to for himself and for me. I have a bad migraine right now so this is going to be kept short but I really want to start to get back into writing here. Not just his recovery work or lack of it. But for me too.

 

I think of things I want to write down, then when I go to do it my mind goes blank. I need something in my brain to record my thoughts.

The other day while talking my bf said if I knew all he did to me I would leave him. He has yet to do any kind of disclosure despite promising. He said that in one of his moments when he is different. It is like a switch is flicked, one moment we are talking, he is calm and empathetic then he kind of shuts down. He gets this look, nasty and almost blank. He becomes very cold and cruel. At these times he is almost mocking saying things like how long will this take? It will never get better, he is an asshole. Is there a rule book to follow, what will knowing do to help. He is not normally like this. Sometimes I can pull him out of this, but I think I need to just walk away when he gets this way. Either way it is painful and I hate seeing him in that place.

I just want to tackle this head on and get it done, and he just wants to forget it. We need to meet somewhere in the middle.