What Have I Become?

To the community members and whomever reads this post, I extend a warm welcome. The issue under scrutiny is how the escalation of my pornographic preferences has affected my sexuality, by addressing the escalation itself, effects, examples and inconsistencies. This post and account were motivated by my identifying with the posts of members who struggled with similar experiences. The forum offers a platform of privacy, support and expression which I also found appealing. Escalation is a relatable issue. Have your preferences escalated over the years? If yes, you are not alone. I recognise three commonalities in our community’ belief system. Firstly, pornography is evil. Secondly, the approval of abstinence and thirdly, the support of those who choose to abstain. My objective is to reciprocate and contribute to the community, continuing the theme of identification. Therefore, this post will be an intimate confession of one of the darkest, subterranean dimensions of my character. I am not proud of the things I’m about to say.

After school my friends and I would regularly spend leisure times at the library, reading comics, playing video games and using the computers. One day, a friend would very briefly introduce me to hentai as a joke. I was eleven at the time. This circumstance would appeal to me later that year when I downloaded hentai onto my PSP. My first masturbation experience was to

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La Blue Girl

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Then I got my first laptop and zero parental supervision. I immediately began to download Naruto images and doujins (I don’t even watch Naruto). This progressed to futanari, a female character who possesses male genitals, either naturally or through scientific and supernatural means. The character of Naruto also had a technique that turned him into a female, which I found particularly attractive.

The material I consumed was primarily lesbian porn and lesbian hentai. I have never watched heterosexual porn. I found the male genitals repulsive and thus substituted it with lesbian strap-on. The names of actresses I remember from my youth are:

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Katie K, Sophie Moon, Lexi Belle and Vera Versanyi who is probably my favourite.

Years later, my insatiable preferences escalated onto yaoi hentai, again mostly Naruto. It’s possible, futanari blurred the boundary between male and female, making the transition to yaoi more seamless. This continued for years as yaoi, traps and crossdressers, and futa became the norm. Anilingus (and fingering) became the most arousing thing to watch. The porn actresses who catered to it were

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Belladonna, Alyssa Reece, Malena Morgan and Riley Reid and Bree Daniels.

Whenever I was browsing for yaoi and sighted gay porn, I would be repulsed and avoid instinctively. Last year, however, I hesitantly and curiously entered and thus, at the age of twenty-four, opened the world of gay porn. It almost replaced lesbian porn completely. My consumption was predominately emo twinks and some crossdressers.

Besides lust, I would also add loneliness and depression to my list of motivators. Porn is an opiate for lonely hearts, and potentially the seeds for dependency and addiction. My weekly sessions was usually followed by feelings of shame and guilt. I attribute this to my Christian faith. These feelings motivated me towards abstinence, but the fact of the matter is that shame is only a temporary deterrent. It was after my initiation into gayporn that such feelings amplified into disgust and filthiness. I made myself sick. I was also troubled by how desensitized I had become. I had built up a tolerance that I could watch gay and transsexual sex and feel absolutely nothing.

The escalation of my pornographic preferences has affected me by expression. To provide examples I am going to break my sexuality down into the individual dimensions of fantasy, mental health and social behaviour.

My wish-fulfilment fantasies have become increasingly homoerotic in content. I don’t remember much but probably just imitated the material I consumed. The only lasting fantasy is

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of me deeply immersing my face in a porn actor’s soft behind as I perform anilingus.

The thought of which arouses me even now. From my exposure, I also developed a crush on my favourite porn actor,

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Jack Styles. My attention was focused on him, Andrew Dexter, Dakota White, Roxy Red and Jake Wiles. I was enamoured by his soft, feminine and porcelain body. He would wrap an arm around my neck as we kiss and caress, rolling around, our hands lock and our bodies writhe in a hot euphoria of bliss.

The adventure into the world of gay-porn also coincided with me seeing Tom Holland perform in drag on Lip Sync Battle which certainly didn’t help. This also became a fantasy.

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To go backstage and sneak into his dressing room. Ablaze with lust, I push him hard against the wall, savouring the taste of his mouth. He wraps his legs around me as I enter him.

Strangely enough, I find him attractive in fantasy but not reality.

Expression has affected my desires and motivations. I come from a working-class family and have flirted with the idea of writing erotica as the solution. I have written a short story and a dozen outlines. The short story was a lesbian/futanari story that was published on Amazon (which I later took down). However, the last two storylines I attempted were homoerotic. The love interests for the human protagonists was a luscious incubus twink and the other, a petite and dainty fairy twink. I tried to justify it by making them sexless beings so technically it wasn’t gay.

Another desire I have is to work as a gay porn actor, escort and camboy. In my studies, I imagined using Marilyn Monroe as a role-model to build a seductive skillset. Also studying other porn actresses, imitating their physicality and vocals. To me, this was performance art. I would probably be a bottom, seducing lonely and married men with my womanly wiles. Toss me onto a bed and put a hand around my throat as you tickle my neck with kisses.

Allow me to digress for a moment to tell you that I have struggled with a deep-rooted sense of rejection for more than a decade. The motivating factor behind this is my father’s neglect and absence in my life. I am plagued by feelings of self-hate, of being undesirable, worthless and unworthy. Is there a correlation between my father’s absence and my homosexual inclinations? Am I displacing my latent feelings of wanting my father’s love onto gayporn as a substitute? Working in the industry would provide me with the sense of status and acceptance which I yearn for, garnering a small celebrity for myself. I wouldn’t mind being objectified if it meant I was accepted.

Homosexual inclinations have also expressed itself through my behaviour. There are two circumstances involving a friend from university, who for privacy sake I will refer to as David. During class, David needed something from my bag which was open at the time. The bag was directly between my legs. David reached over into the bag and the proximity of his hand and my crotch gave me a near-instant erection. A year or two later, we were smoking behind a restaurant, looking at the starry sky I felt tempted to kiss him, but I didn’t. When out, I do exhibit the wandering eye to awkward effect.

Despite the escalation, I have been and still am interested and attracted to women. My faith in God has been my defence against pornography and masturbation. Without it, I’m inclined to believe my circumstance would be worse. In hindsight, if I had developed a stronger and stable faith, this might not have been a struggle. Porn and faith are incompatible.

I started nofap in August 15th last year and have abstained from pornography and masturbation for almost six months. Nofap has helped me re-evaluate certain undesirable qualities of my character. My mind is considerably less sexual in content, and this includes my attraction to you-know-who. He barely occupies my mind but my thoughts towards him are more romantic than sexual. Is this love or lust? I have renounced my desire to write erotica and become an adult performer because it isn’t appropriate. However, the weird impulses are still present and a part of me seems open to the idea of having a same-sex relationship. I am still visited by the occasional sexual and wet dream and sleep paralysis.

I hope the people reading this, users and non-users, can identify with the issue of escalation. And I also hope my contributing with this confession can reassure you in the knowledge that you are not alone. There are people who share your habits, fears, feelings, disappointments and helplessness. I pray you find peace. God Bless.