A Future Uncertain - My Story - Chapter 1

Well that was blissfully miserable. I got to watch two swinger couples in front of our group the entire show, not to mention everytime the girls went to the restroom the guys were all over each other.

I managed to breathe through 4 or so anxiety attacks and only broke down crying 4 times.

Disaster. Complete disaster.

 

I can’t. Why am I getting this at 2am after crying all night st a concert over the love of my life?



“You insisted on blaming me for "putting you at risk" for lying about getting STD tested in your last text to me. I went to the doctor and had them check their history. They did not show anything so I must not have asked them to check my past urine and blood samples like I thought I had. The point of the matter is that it is true that I wasn't fully honest with you. And all I can say is that I am sorry. I should have been. But I did NOT put you willingly at risk either. When I met you, I was donating blood on a regular basis. HIV, Herpes and syphilis are tested for as they do not want to accept tainted blood. Gonorrhea is not, nor is chlamydia or HPV. More than 90% of men have terrible symptoms when they have gonorrhea. It is not something that is carried by men without being known. Chlamydia on the other hand sometimes CAN lie dormant. I was unaware of this. I THOUGHT it was the same as gonorrhea in that if a man has it...he knows it. Alas, I am confident that I never had it, especially since you were tested by your doctor months ago and it came back negative. And then there is HPV. Amongst all the research I've done, I have found that there simply isn't a reliable test for it for men. Even if I had been properly screened...it would not have been detected. Yet at the house, you seemed most concerned about the potential for HPV to possibly bring back your cancer. are you aware of the greatest risk for that? It is having MULTIPLE partners and having unprotected sex with them. You did this before we were married and you did this AFTER we were married. Willingly. But you want to blame ME for your fears? Not fair. All in all, I am confident that I have never had an STD and my test will come back showing that. I think the reality is that YOU have been looking for a way out of this relationship as a fallback rather than face your own responsibilities. You've been the one threatening divorce. You've been the one looking for apartments. It hasn't been me.

You have consistently passed “him” x20 off as no big deal...making me seem pathetic for being hurt by it.....acting like I am unreasonable for being concerned and crushed by the emotional control he has over you. You even did it with My sister. When My sister asked about why you kept reaching out to your ex, you responded with an "LOL...oh that wasn't a big deal". When My sister pressed you on why you allowed him to make his way into our lives over and over and over again when you knew how much it hurt me.....suddenly you didn't want to talk anymore. Suddenly you needed to "work" and you never texted her again. You simply cannot stand to have any fingers pointed at you even if they are deserved. You won't allow yourself to contemplate it. You are so hurt by me allowing porn to affect our marriage...but you can't seem to understand why I would be upset that you are emotionally tied to an ex and can't stop it? You are hurt by things I did prior to dating you and not admitting to because I was embarrassed...but you can't seem to understand why I would be so hurt about you continuing to be emotionally attached to another man DURING our marriage? Seriously...how are you able to compartmentalize that and dismiss it so easily? How is it that nothing is ever your fault? Why are you so angry with me but not yourself? The fact that you're so worried and angry that I could have given you HPV at the beginning of our relationship...but that having unprotected sex with multiple men AFTER we were married isn't a concern of yours speaks volumes. I think it shows that you just want to blame me. Period. And you simply aren't going to accept any responsibility yourself. That's what you're doing again with this whole STD testing issue. I wasn't fully truthful with you and I bear that responsibility. I admit it. I should have been. But I also knew given the lack of symptoms and the blood testing done when donating blood that I didn't have anything to give you. I would NOT put you in harms way especially of a major disease like HIV. And if you truly believe I would then I believe that is just another example of you trying to sabotage without accepting any culpability. Please stop.

You also argued that since at one point in my life prior to dating you, I slept with a couple of escorts...and since at one point in my life prior to dating you, I engaged in "the lifestyle" a few times...that I MUST have continued to do that after dating you. That is why you want to suddenly see all my bank statements and credit card statements. But think about it. Are you aware of the leap in logic of such an assumption? Because I USED to do something that must mean I still do? prior to meeting me, I know you slept with plenty of guys without protection. Prior to meeting me, you liked to cheat on your significant other so that you were the one in control and so that you wouldn't be the one with the broken heart. Since that is what you did prior to meeting me, should I automatically assume that it continued AFTER starting to date me? It's the same logic you are using. Because it happened before, it must be happening now. It is false reasoning. Please stop it. Alas, I have no problem with you seeing my bank statements and credit card statements since we starting dating. You won't find anything because I have not cheated on you. I've not even come close because I simply don't want to. But I have a proposal for you. I'd like to give them to you in exchange for every text, email, IM and written communication between you and “him” dating back to when we started dating. I think that's fair.

I hope you're doing ok

I love you

Thought you might like that when I got my blood drawn on Friday....I passed out. Twice. Completely out. Woke up on my stomach with a nurse holding a fan over me, one helping me back up and another with a pack of ice on my neck.”

I can’t even breathe I’ve been such a mess that last hour. Then I try to stomach my way through this. I’m seeing through all the BS now even if it’s hard.

 

Entry 11:

Crazy week.

Can’t remember where I left off but on Sunday he asked if I could be out of the house by the time he got home Thursday (today technically)

So thinking I had until the 28th to pack and move, I suddenly had to put everything in hyper speed. It’s been insane.

Managed to pack 90% by myself. Cleaned the storage room. Kids came to do their rooms and my son helped a bit with the heavy stuff.

The house is pretty bare. it’s sobering.


I’ll give more of an update tomorrow or Friday.

I did enjoy the sunset on the porch tonight for the last time. Took it all in. Tears of course but a good closure moment. Bitter sweet moment for sure.

I’ll try to lost a picture tomorrow.


Now I need to catch up on work so I can keep my job.

Thank to everyone who has been supporting me and checking up on me. It means the world to me!

 

ENTRY 12:

I have been MIA due to my inability to talk about it any more than I have been. Just trying to get through hour by hour this week.

My heart aches tonight.

I am staying in someone else's house . . .waiting on move-in day to my new house. . . Looking around at my life . . . and thinking . . . THIS LIFE DOESNT BELONG TO ME.

The last couple days I have most definitely been in some deep depression. Still . . . the emails have been coming. Still I am being blamed. I spent the last 2 days fighting every urge to crawl in a hole and just not come out. EVERYONE leave me be.

I don't want to answer any more questions. I don't want to tell anyone whats going on. I don't want to keep apologizing to my children.

I met with my s/o ex-wife today and we talked for a good couple hours. Its good to know I am not alone. Sucks that she went through it too . . . but the honest conversation about what we have experienced with him helped both of us not feel so crazy. It was a good talk and much needed for both of us.

My SO finally went to his first group tonight. After days upon days of more shitty emails, telling me I would be hearing from his attorney and that he was filing for divorce this week . . . after group he emailed me to say he was sorry for sending his last email where he was lashing out, that he learned in group tonight that its not helpful for either of us and he vowed not to do it again.

This is awesome right? . . . . yeah I want to be happy for his FOR FINALLY GOING. . . . FINALLY TAKING ADVICE . . . AND FINALLY APOLOGIZING for SOMETHING. But . . . I'm over here like . . . . good for you. Doesn't take back the hurt. The lashing out. The accusing me of being bi-polar. I just responded with "That is good. Group has been my lifeline"


It's all the words I could muster.

Now I cry AGAIN. For a man that never existed. For this lie of a marriage. Trying to pull myself together to get out of bed tomorrow and work. . . to shower . . . to eat.

I am down 15 lbs since D-Day.

15 that honestly I didnt need to lose. I had just hit my goal weight.

On a good note. ALL of my STD tests came back okay! Still haven't heard from him about how his came back.

 

ENTRY 13:

Last night I was smiling for no reason. Listening to Dave Matthews as loud as I could while driving down the interstate with the top down. Looking at the stars. Breathing the fresh summer air. Loving finding me again. Feeling free.

The first moment I can remember smiling just because . . . all by myself. . . for no other reason than just being happy. In that moment . . . I was happy.

Roughly 2 hours a sleep a night . . . living on Sugar-Free Redbull, Cigarettes, Slimfast, and the wind in my hair. This is my best right now.

Progress NOT perfection.
Two steps forward, 1 step back.

We haven't spoken in a couple days. I don't miss talking. I don't miss the shitty ass emails . . .the lashing out . . . . the blame. I don't even miss him. Because I don't know him. He isn't who he said he was. He was someone capable of lying and intentionally hurting me AND then doing it again and again.

Our two year anniversary is coming up next month. YEP not even two years of being married and I am filing for divorce.

I could feel sorry for myself and say . . . . ohhh poor me.
At least it wasn't 10 years. I found out now. With enough time to work on me, and enjoy the last couple/few years I have with my kiddos in the house.

Time flies. Junior in Highschool and 6th grade. I am going to blink and they are going to be on their own.

All I can do right now is make progress for me. Make progress for my kids, and mourn the loss of a man that didn't exist in a healthy way. The healthiest way I can.

I may have said this before . . . . maybe a half dozen times . . . I don't know.

BUT this is the bottom I needed to hit to get the help and healing I have needed my entire life from so much hurt and pain.

My anniversary is on Aug 27th. SOOOOOO . . .
August 25th I am having a divorce/housewarming party. lol what better way to celebrate your anniversary. I could ball myself up in a corner and cry for two days. I could send emotional emails that would be met with denial and blame . . . . I could disappear into a hole and speak to no one.

I decided . . . . . NO. I was not going to let myself.

Cookout with friends . . . friends, co-workers, and colleagues driving a couple hours to support me . . . .My local friends and colleagues showing up in the middle of what could be a dark, dark weekend in my mind. Instead, we will celebrate . . . . ? Not sure what we are celebrating. More of a distraction?

Wait . . . we are celebrating my healing.

Complete with my $1000 wedding dress being mutilated by paintballs of beautiful colors, drinks, and a good time.

Hopefully, smiles and laughs . . . . and very few tears.

I found these quotes the other night.
and I look at them daily.

She fell for the idea of him
and ideas were dangerous things to love -ATTICUS

She didn't want love
she wanted to be loved
and that
was
entirely
different. -ATTICUS

You are
the series of mistakes
that had to happen
for you
to find YOUR you. -ATTICUS

She was powerful
not because she wasn't scared
but because she went on so strongly
despite her fear - ATTICUS

It was her chaos that
made her beautiful -ATTICUS

She wore her troubled past
like scars ---
she had been through battle
and though no one could see her demons
they could see the face that conquered them -ATTICUS

I've never met
a strong person
with an easy past -ATTICUS

She conquered her demons
and wore her scars like wings -ATTICUS

It didn't matter that she
fell apart, it was how she put herself back together. -ATTICUS

Can you tell I'm a fan? lol

 

ENTRY 14:

Ready for the roller coaster ride of emotions?

I posted entry 13 a couple hours ago.

2 hours of sleep a night for days certainly doesn’t add to ability to stay grounded and centered.

But boy do I have triggers.

To say I took a couple steps back since my last post, is an understatement.

Deprivety.
Based on one of his very few admissions, was a thing for him.

Had no clue what that was.

The obsession over what this meant And what he acted out on me is legitimately out of control tonight. The more I read, the more I learn, the more I realize what was happening.

The more I was triggered.

The more memories came back.

Now I regret knowing. I regret even being curious.

Google is the devil.


. . . . . .

The number of nights I rolled over and cried. . . Countless

The number of nights I hid my tears. . . Countless.

The number of times I tried to toughen up to get through it and get it over with. . . Un-fucking real.

I’m a strong woman.

I have boundaries.

I feel so violated.

So used.

So disrespected.

. . . .


I was a tool.

A way for him to act out.

No matter how many tears I cried.

He had to know.

He had to have heard me crying.

He would roll over and pretend not to hear.

Block it out.

And go to sleep.

. . . .

Last night I smiled.

Tonight I lay here a puddle of tears alone.

Used.

Depleted.

Drained.

How could anyone intentionally ruin someone like this?

 

Please I have to know. I can’t inderstand why he doesn’t care,

 

Entry 15:

Much needed counseling this morning helped after last nights breakdown. For those of you who messaged me last night to help talk me through this . . . thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Right after I left counseling of course . . . I was being hit left and right by SHIT.

I will back up a second and address this . .


I have been asked about updates on the kids:
I don't have my kids right now because there wasn't enough room for them. They come and see me every couple of days and we try to make the best of the time we have. My daughter is 11 going on 20 and she is actually starting to show some emotion around the situation. Before it was pure excitement to move, to not have the fighting, and to have her momma back.

She tried to act like a badass . . . bury her feelings . .. pretend things don't bother her. (She comes by this honestly)

She is processing now. I see her angry . . . angry at me for not telling her why its over. Angry at him for being so quick to abandon us instead of moving quickly to get help. She feels as though he chose freedom over his family because it was easier to say goodbye rather than admit he needed to work on some things. She was tired of seeing her mom upset and on edge. She told me yesterday that having these last couple weeks with me has been the best couple weeks of her life. That's not easy for her to say because she is so good and hiding her feelings. I cried a bit of course. She said she saw how cruel he could be sometimes and heard the things he would tell his girls. We are also attending counseling the 3 of us and working through these emotions.

I am confident I can make changes in my life so that she can finally observe and learn from a healthy mom.

MY SON.
Poor kid. He is 16 also going on 20. I had him a couple weeks after my 18th birthday. being 34 now and going through everything we have been through together, we are close. Maybe too close? But kinda hard to say. He respects me and tells me EVERYTHING. Sometimes too much. This is bittersweet.

At first, he was angry at me when I told him we were moving. He didn't understand why. Obviously, I wasn't telling him much. I didn't want his opinion of my husband to change and I definitely didn't want him to know details of ANYTHING. He loves my husband. He has tried his best to stay out of our issues but he is protective of his momma. He has seen the crazy I turned into the last couple years and didn't know why. He turned to my husband to vent, for advice. . . not knowing the reason I was acting out was my internal struggles, insecurities, desperation for validation and affirmation. My husband of course fed into this.

We have Mac computers. Both of us. I cloud is awesome but in this instance scary and evil. My icloud docs folder was somehow being shared with his computer. I had a folder named "insert name here's iPhone backup" He got nibby and I guess went through it.

I had no idea until today. He said he took it upon himself to try to set up a run in with my husband. Said he was going to go out to the house and "pick some stuff up." Although he was really grabbing some things, he also had questions he wanted to be answered and things he wanted to say. The Husband did not take the bate. I am glad. I would have hated for that conversation to happen right after he saw everything he saw from his phone back up. AND IT WAS ENOUGH TO TRAUMATISE HIM. See . . . Somehow someway the software I installed ALSO grabbed old deleted images and text messages, and web history as far back as 2009 from his old phones. I have no clue how it did that. So not only did he see the links he was visiting of girls being raped, gay porn, age questionable content . . . . he also saw his conversations with the couples that he was hooking up with, the text transcript of him hiring a male escort to "top him" and craigslist ads. He said he just skimmed but I think I know better.

I am in shock. I feel like the worst parent on the face of the planet. But I am glad he is almost 17 and a mature 17 and not younger. We had a long conversation. I tried to explain what I could and said I would like him to attend S-Ateen for some help processing. He agreed.

Yeah. Heavy Stuff. I think I am still in shock.

While we are sitting there . . . I get a message from my ex-husband who works upstairs from one of my businesses. He said my s/o contacted him on linked in.

See the transcript below. We will call him Tom

S/o to Tom:
Tom . . . this is _______, _____'s soon to be ex. Thought I would reach out to you. For Character assassination protection purposes . . . you might want to know what she's said about you in the past and I might want to know what she is saying about me now . . .

We should do lunch or have a beer . ..

Tom to S/O:
______ - Sorry to hear things did not work out for you two. I have already been through a divorce with ______ and have no desire to go through another. I could honestly care less what she may have said about me in the past . . . it's been 6 years. I have moved on with my life. Best of luck.

S/O to Tom:
Fair enough. Though it isn't so much a matter of what she has said in the past as it is what continues to be said. Alas . . . I wish you and your daughter well.



My son, of course, sitting here talking with me as this comes through to my computer. . . texts the S/O immediately and says he never wants to speak to him again, that he shouldn't have reached out to my ex. He left it at that thank god. At which time he responds "Ur mom talking about me behind my back isn't okay especially to MY ex" Of course at which time I had to explain that I did have a conversation with her, but because she requested it to make sure he wasn't into anything that would put the girls in danger. I left it at that.

My heart is breaking for my kids.

A long chat took place and he is trying to understand that the desperation in my s/o trying to search for validation, and trying to build a case against me . . . is all he knows how to do right now.

I saw my son cry today for the first time in years. Sob. A mess in my arms. He said the number of times my s/o went to him talking bad about me and saying I was crazy . . . was insanely too much. He cried and said he was so sorry that he started to believe him and that I am the strongest woman he knows.
We have many many years of therapy to go through. I truly would have taken the blame for the failure of my marriage, rather than him seeing these things and now having to process and mourn with me.

He asked why there was also a screenshot of a woman with her daughter next to her sticking her tongue out on my desktop next to a picture of s/o looking at it on his phone. THIS is where I had to stop trying to explain because even I dont have answers to this. I played this one off as nothing for now.

My poor kids

THE PICTURE
When I set up cameras in my house to have proof enough to present to him, so he would finally admit he had a problem . . . one of the clips is him masturbating to this mentioned picture. He was scrolling through Instagram and stopped on a pic of a girl he went to high school with and her daughter no more than 7 . .. sticking her tongue out. He proceeded to masturbate for about a min before moving on. A picture of a mom and her child. PLEASE PLEASE will a couple SA's explain this to me?

My counselor said that if I were to talk details of the image to her that she would be required by law to call child protective services or the authorities. So this I also found out this morning. Had I been in my appointment with my phone she would have requested to see it and then made the call then.

Am I crazy in thinking that that is overreacting? Am I in such denial that I see this as a coincidence that her daughter was in the picture? I don't want to believe there was any malicious weird fantasy about the daughter. I don't know what to do. Please, someone, advise here?

LIKE THIS ISNT ENOUGH FOR ONE DAY . . . and it's only 3:40pm . . . . .

I also heard that he was requesting statements from people on my character and interactions with them through the years. Why? What could his reasoning possibly be?

People have been reaching out to me all day. One thing after another.

I have not reacted to this BS. I seriously fought the urge to send every one of them a link to this thread a screenshot of him admitting to lying about STD tests and the screenshot of his text log with the male escort.

I didn't obviously.

They are all smart enough to see his desperation. . . . all have known him for years and most have told me that I HAVE to move on. That HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. And guess what I say to that . . . .
Ready. . . EVEN AFTER ALL THE ABOVE . . . .

"He is a good man. Has a good heart and I truly believe eventually he will do whats right."

I AM FUCKING CRAZY. . . . Even if I am telling people that . . . telling myself that . . . trying to remember that man I fell in love with . . . the one that swept me off my feet . . . . the one that fought so hard to tear down the walls I had built so high . . . . . . . . THEN I REMIND MYSELF that the pain and hurt I am feeling is because I let my walls down . . . The pain they are feeling. . . how this will FOREVER CHANGE OUR LIVES. I moved my kids out of their home, 35 min from there schools, and into this chaos ONLY to have their lives turned upside down AGAIN. I DID THAT. I WAS IN CONTROL OF THESE DECISIONS.

Today can FUCK OFF.

I am weak today. Torn down. Feeling completely helpless. AND feeling like there is NO end in sight to this FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

Why can't he just leave us alone and walk away?

Why does he not see that he has a bigger problem than porn addiction?

Why does a man that claimed to love me want to intentionally tear me apart damn near daily and strip me of the little bit of strength and confidence I have left?

I am powerless. Scared to death. And could get in my car and drive far away from this hell and never look back.

Am I a perfect angel? NO
Did I make mistakes in our marriage? YES
Was I moody and crazy? YES
Was I insecure? YES
Did I manipulate? YES
Did I try to control him and his addiction? YES
Did I let this turn me into I person I am NOT? YES
Did I lash out and was I mean? YES

But I think I am a good person? I think I have a good heart? I love people unconditionally. . . . until the point my children or myself are being harmed.

I am broken again today. Need to find SOME WAY to gain my power back. . . My determination.

Right now that seems impossible.

I am drowning.

THE PURE EVIL . . . I cant understand.

You put a ring on my finger. Wrote vows. Promised to love me, cherish me until death do us part. Through good times and bad. Sickness and Health.

Now you want nothing but to see ME in pain and DESTROY our lives.

FUCK TODAY. FUCK THIS MONTH. FUCK THIS YEAR. FUCK THE LAST 4 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

 

Entry 16:

So I went MIA for 100 reasons the last 3 or so weeks. I had to get my mind right and stop obsessing and stop thinking about THIS ALL the time.

I am super busy trying to work, pull money together to support me and the kids, buying a house and all that goes along with it, and attending all of my therapy.

I have good days and I have bad days. The good are outweighing the bad at this point and I am accepting the bad days or what they are, AND reflecting on why they are bad, what triggered it and how to work past it in the future.

1 of my therapist I see weekly is pretty impressed with my progress. She reassures me every session how strong I am, how NON-crazy I am, and how much progress I am making. I have been brutally honest with her and incredibly vulnerable. It was time for me to open up and get help.

I will try to post more in a couple days, just wanted everyone to know I am alive.