Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

The worry is the worst part. ;-/

 

DAY 859: 06/04/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Few minutes in bed, before the day began.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he skipped the trifecta, he was tired. So we just watched some TV before going to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Release Bottled Up Emotions That Are Hurting You", in this episode, Freddy Fri talks with us about how to release bottled up emotions that are hurting us. Remember, negative emotions are like unwelcome guests. Just because they show up on your doorstep does not mean they have a right to stay.

This morning, Wade left for work around 4:40 am, I was up since then, still in bed but not sleeping. I enjoyed that time of silence, before the little one was up and then my dad calling me/coming in bright and early to fill my head up like a helium balloon. After he left, I began exploring my own PC to figure out why it is spazzing out all of a sudden... it is as if once the warranty expires, shit goes haywire. Anyhow, been also putting out fires in one of my FB groups, catching up with clients (whom gave me so good news!) - I am grateful at the fact that now I am able to turn to him for advice, instead of dealing with everything on my own, it is very helpful. It seems like I am constantly busy with something, it is becoming so exhausting. Then we add in the stress of Wade being at work, especially given the current conditions... plus my other fears... while he is out there, during day time + good weather, amongst his 'primes', women I just can not compete with... just thinking about him being surrounded by them all day, the thoughts he is probably thinking... it is killing me and adding on to the mayhem in my head. I feel so out of it these last few weeks, so depressed and not being able to walk right now is really making everything else so much worse.

Back to homeschooling, two more weeks!! can not wait.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was wary to reach out to my client's payroll rep, but I am glad that I did because she responded within minutes and I finally got some answers.

#Video
Release Bottled Up Emotions

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 860: 06/05/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Marco Polo.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he got home about an hour before he'd be going to bed, to get ready for his next tour, which sucks. It was a really long day for us both. He still gave me a hand and foot rub, which, to be honest, surprised me because I didn't expect it at all, given how tired he was, but I do appreciate it. Then we went to bed and I think both of us passed out within minutes.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Changing Your Life Starts With Changing Your Philosophy", in this episode, Jim Rohn explains that the key to changing your life is changing your philosophy. Remember, one of the happiest moments in life is when you let go of what you can not change.

This morning, I was irritated by some small things, then I looked outside and it was raining, which meant another day of no walking, getting me even more frustrated. Then for some reason, I thought it would be a bright idea to weigh myself, that did not go well, given the crap food mixed with depression I've been experiencing the last few months. I've essentially fallen off the wagon and I do not know how to motivate myself to get back on, this pandemic, kids being at home 24/7, homeschooling, plus Wade's work environment (on so many different levels, i.e: safety/day tours with primes) has got me spinning out of control and living every day in uncertainty, which is horrible for a person like me. ANYHOW, I still found time to watch something for myself; "When Appetites for Intimacy Don't Match" from a 2002 episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, featuring Dr. Phil. This was a really interesting episode where, as we've learned through this process, there's so much more "there-there" laying beneath the surface level stuff. His main point, to all the couples, was getting to the core issue: without honesty and communication with your partner, the 'little stuff' becomes big, they become lame excuses and justifications for other behaviors (like not having or wanting to have sex). Without communication, problems do not get resolved, instead of all those 'little things' build up on top over it and there is no room for love and intimacy. It was a good one to listen to, well at least in my opinion. A good takeaway from it was: "Dr. Phil: here is my belief is if you've got a good sexual relationship, it's about 10 percent, and if you don't, it's about 90 percent. Because if you don't, somebody's feeling rejected, somebody's feeling hurt, somebody is--is going to be really shut down and--and backed up about it."

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I found a solution for my printer problem.

#Video
Jim Rohn: How To Stop Worrying And Start Living

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 861: 06/06/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, as tired as he was, he still gave me a full trifecta, I am grateful for it but I don't want him to over exhaust himself either. Then we watched some Office (no energy to think lol) and headed to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Stop Limiting Yourself", in this episode, Tony Robbins talks about; how to stop limiting yourself and start living the life of your dreams. Remember, the fears we don't face become our limits.

This morning, I finally got OUT and walked! woohoo, what a relief... during my walk, I listened to "Do You Have Post Betrayal Syndrome?" a TedTalk with Debi Silber. Dr. Debi Silber, is the founder of The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute and is a holistic psychologist, health, mindset and personal development speaker, author, and mentor who helps people heal from Post Betrayal Syndrome. She’s the author of the Amazon #1 bestselling book: The Unshakable Woman: 4 Steps to Rebuilding Your Body, Mind, and Life After a Life Crisis. She made me aware of this "PBT" theory and I think it actually makes sense, it's what has been swirling in my head, especially as of late, because triggers just don't seem to go away - even though I do recognize and see the changes in Wade. She says that with betrayal trauma, it's not like many other kinds, and the nice idea of "time heals all wounds" just does not apply for us. At around 9:19, she goes into a beautiful point: "rebuilding is always a choice whether you rebuild yourself and move on - that's what I did with my family or if the situation lends itself, if you're willing and if you want to you rebuild an entirely different relationship with the person who hurt you and that's what I did with my husband not long ago, as two totally different people, we married each other again, new rings, new vows, new dress and this time our four kids as our bridal party". Once I got home, I had to entertain the little one, all while being worried about Wade. Fun times, oh yeah, did anyone hear there is an asteroid heading for the earth? that's surely July's Jumanji level, well, may the odds be ever in your favor!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I got energized walking my trail, for the first time in a while.

#Video
Tony Robbins: How to Stop Limiting Yourself

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 862: 06/07/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke for a little about our day, laughed about a funny Marco Polo I sent him. Then we went to watch some TV and again I am grateful for the hand and foot rub, he had a really long day.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Getting Rid Of Bad Habits: How To Easily Change Your Habits", in this episode, *** gives some simple and easy to follow advice on getting rid of bad habits. Remember, we are what we repeatedly do.

This morning, during my walk, I listened to "This Neuroscientist Shows You the Secrets to Obtaining A Growth Mindset" an interview with Andrew Huberman, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Andrew Huberman a recognized neuroscientist details the science behind successful strategies for life change. The main points he hits in this interview are; celebrate small victories. Your thoughts are a choice. Move towards fear. Lean into your negative experiences. No matter what the question is, action is the answer. Meditate. Breathe deeply. These are well-known concepts and mantras that many people have assimilated, through experience, or through training. In this discussion, we learn, how the brain creates an abstract representation of everything that’s out there in the world, there two pieces of your brain that are outside of your skull and spinal cord, viewing screens after 11 PM suppresses dopamine and punishes the brain, dopamine reward cycles can provide you with endless energy, the reasons why it’s so important to celebrate small victories, how to unlearn negative experiences, using lateralized eye movements while recounting negative experiences helps, forward movement is absolutely the remedy for trauma and fear, stress and agitation are meant to be triggers for action, not forms of suffering, it’s not easy to suppress negative thoughts, but you can replace negative thoughts and always reward incremental steps that are about forward action. An interesting takeaway, for me and I believe it relates directly to real recovery and why change is possible... at around 14:20 - "there's a very well-known body of literature in neuroscience at least among neuroscientists that talks about something called reward prediction error and it says if you can dose the dopamine subjectively as you go through the pursuit of something and then have a lot of dopamine when you reach that thing it's very likely that you're going to reinforce that circuit there will be neural plasticity and that circuit will become stronger so the next time you will revisit those sets of behaviors the opposite can happen too where you're in real anticipation of something this is gonna be great this is gonna be great this can be great and then you reach that goal and it's kind of underwhelmingand that generally triggers this the circuit that I referred to earlier this kind of disappointment or des Pro depressive circuit so dopamine is involved in reward but it's also involved in the pursuit of rewards and so as you reach a milestone or as you tell yourself I'm on the right track this friction I'm feeling this late night this early morning this hard conversation with somebody that doesn't feel good I'm gonna tell myself this is for a larger purpose that's that subjective insertion that abstraction that we're talking about earlier and when you start releasing dopamine to those kinds of things there's essentially no limit on the number of things you can do or the energy to do them." Also, a calming exercise that I will definitely try: "inhale twice and then you exhale long now, that double inhale best done through the nose on the inhales and then long exhale through the mouth. This activates these sign neurons that trigger the so-called calming flex; the parasympathetic arm of the nervous system."

Of course, with the good weather, come plenty of triggers. The one benefit of walking alone, if Wade were with me, I don't think I would be able to get through this walk. However, as much as I tried to push through it, thoughts of what he is possibly 'seeing', 'thinking' etc at work around all his favorites [primes]... kept shit spinning through my head. That sucked because overall it was beautiful out and I was walking, doing my thing. Then, there was this FedEx truck driver who was ogling me as he was driving (and I was trying to cross the street)... who kept mouthing "beautiful", other stuff and winking, I was annoyed by it... it reminded me yet again, of what Wade would be looking at/thinking all day, the one joy out of it was that he almost hit a parked car during his turn because he was rubbernecking - do stupid things, win stupid prizes!

Anyhow, back to the rest of my day full of uncertainty and shame that I can not match up to those primes - so I don't feel like I will ever be "it" for him, which means I will continue to get triggered and put in this mood.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I began cleaning up my Dropbox, something I've been both putting off and found no time for recently.

#Video
How To Change Your Bad Habits

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 863: 06/08/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade was home.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we had a night of vulnerability, we spoke about the issue that happened earlier in the day and how we both felt and feel about it. Then after we both felt better, we watched some TV and he gave me a nice foot and hand rub. Although we had an emotional day, not in the best spirits either, we still felt connected by the time we went to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Let Go Of Social Norms And Expectations", in this episode, Ralph Smart talks with us about how to let go of social norms and live the life you want to live. Remember, do not shrink to meet the expectations of others, grow to become the person you want to be.

This morning, his days off were restored! eureka! so we went on our weekly grocery run, both of us were in a better mood too. Today is going to be a busy day, we have a family lunch planned, homeschooling, then some cleaning, catch up with other errands, etc. I hope today will be a calmer day than yesterday. No matter what, I am happy he is home and not on the streets, even when we are at odds with each other or I am triggered.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Minor triggers - got through them.

#Video
How to Let Go of Society's Expectations and Trust The Universe

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 864: 06/09/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we watched some TV while he gave me a nice foot and hand rub. Headed off to bed and ended the night on a good note.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Increase Your Intelligence", in this episode, The Art Of Improvement crew talk with us about how to increase your intelligence. Remember, intelligence is the ability to adapt and change.

This morning, we finally got to go walk together, during our walk we began listening to "This Supermodel Is Changing The Way We Talk About Body Image" an interview with Ashley Graham, on, On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Ashley Graham is a Plus-size Supermodel, designer, and barrier-breaking body activist. She opens up about how she went from hating her body to loving it, she discusses how your words become your truth and why it’s so important to stop negative self-talk. She dives into how exactly we can start doing that. So far, this interview is okay, there is nothing new about the subject she discusses, but it's a good listen nevertheless. There was a trigger there and I had to get myself through it, I did the best I could. Interestingly enough, towards the end of our walk, he said, "it was a good walk, no triggers that I could tell?" which to me, is a leading question... because he may have noticed who triggered me (although he said he didn't) but wasn't sure if she did or didn't, so he was dipping his toes in the water - so if I say no, he could drop it and move on... etc. Of course, that is just the feeling I got, but I am usually good with these things, as he does not always ask me that question, out of the blue: 1 + 1 = 2. We spoke a little bit more about the topic of triggers and then he had to drive my dad somewhere.

Now, time to deal with the rest of the day.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Held it together during a trigger.

#Video
7 Important Habits That Will Boost Your Intelligence

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 865: 06/10/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a trifecta, it was lovely - no complaints lol. Then we watched some more Outlander, before heading to bed early... because he had to get up for work really early.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Importance of Loving And Accepting Yourself", in this episode, Les Brown talks with us about the importance of loving and accepting yourself. Remember, when you accept yourself you are freed from the burden of needing others to accept you.

This morning, Wade left for work around 4 am, I was up shortly after... tossed and turned, then gave up. I had to walk alone, yet again... during my walk, I listened to "Anti-Aging Expert Explains How to Improve Your Diet and Lifestyle" an interview with Kellyann Petrucci, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Best known for her wise advocacy of bone broth and collagen, Dr. Kellyann Petrucci focuses her medical practice and her writing on ways to heal the gut, slow aging, and reverse inflammation. She describes diets and lifestyle choices for anyone interested in longevity, weight loss, or stress reduction. During this interview, they discuss what are the lifestyle changes people should make for maximum longevity? what the problem with Keto is; that people don’t get enough fiber. So how about Keto 2.0? she advocates ancestral nutrition and learning to read your own body, the first principle of a good diet is to eat the highest quality food they can get, she explains how to get a good balance in your diet, she explains how much of her stress was caused by her lack of boundaries, what are the signs that you are getting burned out and crushed by stress? she strongly advocates visualizing the personal and business life you want, what are the biggest things that most people regret? not honoring who you really are is destructive to your body, most autoimmune problems start with gut issues, she describes the many ways to use bone broth effectively and you have to have foundational beauty or else cosmetic surgery won’t help.

Just me again, so back to homeschooling... when will the Kindergarten teacher chill, she is still sending the same amount of work as she did in March!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No major triggers on my walk.

#Video
Les Brown Getting Unstuck

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
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During normal times, it would have ended on June 25th, now they are giving us a "break" and ending on the 18th. I am COUNTING down the days lol.

 

DAY 866: 06/11/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade's being inside.
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Last night, he gave me the trifecta, the backrub put me over the moon - we also spoke a bit during it. Often times the reflexology he gives me on my hands/feet, omg it gets me to the point of passing out and falling asleep LOL which for me is a good thing. Anyhow, we did that, watched some TV, and then headed off to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “You That You Are More Than Enough", in this episode, Freddy Fri has a message reminding you that you are more than enough. Remember, your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.

This morning, it's raining (off and on), so my walk is canceled. I did my morning routine and workout, but it is not the same as walking. Today, Wade is inside (at work) - which really helps to decrease my anxiety in so many ways! I'm grateful for that. Soon, my parents with come over and I will not only have to deal with homeschooling, entertaining the kids... I have to call and be on the phone with a bunch of Government agencies, to figure stuff out for them.

Other than all that, my mood has also been a roller coaster these past few months, a lot of ups and downs, uncertainty and just feeling off my game. Wade, helps me get grounded when he is not the source (triggers, etc) although, even with triggers, he does help calm me after the fact, when we talk. My weight has also been unstable, no matter what I do, I have a feeling it is stress-related because my diet and exercise is pretty consistent. On that note, I need to look up and put together a healthy dinner week plan, so that when Wade is on vacation, we can *try* and eat leaner. Shit, here I go rambling, see this is what I mean, I feel like I am all over the place. Okay, on with my day!

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
One bite at a time, I am getting through my electronic decluttering elephant goal.

#Video
You Are Enough

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
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DAY 867: 06/12/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: Various
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me the trifecta, which, no matter what I always appreciate. However, during the backrub, as he was talking about his day, he ended dropping a little 'bomb' on me, changing my perception about the whole day, and at the same time; about another day that he talked to about a few months ago. Back then, he told me about being vulnerable with a few coworkers, females, that noticed how messages he dedicates to me on Facebook (quotes, etc). How one woman, specifically found it cute, and then she asked him if there was a reason for it aka "did you do something? and now you have to do this to get out of the doghouse" when he explained his addiction, our disconnection and how that's changed now, she abruptly got up and hugged him. When I first heard the story, I was under the impression that it was the older ladies he was talking to/got hugged by, turns out it was one of his prime's, that he admitted to drooling over for years (when we bumped into her at the mall a few months before this chat occurred). This came up, because, it turns out when he worked yesterday, he spent hours in the car with this woman too, and when he was sending me a video message (clearing his conscience OR trying to look good in front of her), she was again impressed by his 'affection' and now, in my mind, she was either flirting with him or if she is truly being a 'nice coworker', what I picture is - just how excited he was from all these compliments he was getting from her; for being such a good guy. Throughout the day, my mind was a bit more at ease, because I was under the impression that he was inside, not doing much and had to go on a call or two - which is normal. He never thought to mention this little tidbit, until he blurted it out during his talk at night. Of course, this triggered me, big time. My mind was running a mile a minute, was this purposely omitted now and before? how did he not think about mentioning this to me, knowing this would never make me comfortable, giving who it was. Things are a lot different for me when it's a prime hugging him and not some old lady. So, in my mind the whole night, as I couldn't sleep at all after all this, was "I wonder if he got turned on when she touched him?" "What went through his head during that embrace?", did he get excited? and think "this was this the luckiest day in his life?". I don't believe for one second she didn't make him think any thoughts at all - as he claims, there is zero chance of that. I do believe, however, that he omitted this factoid, on purpose and last night he just forgot he wasn't supposed to mention it and accidentally did while he was describing his day. I didn't want to hug him, because all I could think about was: me hugging him vs her and how he was probably way more excited when one of his primes touched him, then he would ever be when I do. He just doesn't get it, it looks like he was hiding something and that gives me so much room to guess why.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “What You Focus On Grows So Focus On What You Want", in this episode, we're reminded that what you focus on grows, so be sure you are focusing on what you want. Remember, what you focus on grows, - so focus on what you want.

This morning, during my walk, I listened to "Why Being Perfect Will Ruin You" an interview with Rangan Chatterjee, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Dr.Chatterjee is a Functional Medicine Practitioner, author of How to Make Disease Disappear, and host of the BBC show "Doctor in the House". He explains his four pillars of health and why balance across the four, rather than perfection in one, is essential. During this interview, they discuss why most diseases can end through lifestyle change, keeping health simple, lifestyle over diet and the ‘threshold’ concept, a 360-degree approach to improving health, why we shouldn’t completely demonize carbs, why strength training is undervalued, a simple fix to widely common mistakes, the psychology behind food choices, why mindful eating matters, short-term pleasure vs. long-term consequences, why when we eat is just important as what we eat, prioritizing and enhancing sleep quality, the importance of ‘me’ time, the value of root-cause medicine.

I was very distracted because he was working with her on a job, again today, as disconnected as I feel, it is still bothering the shit out of me. He tried to send me messages but I just don't believe it's coming from an authentic place, I believe he is doing it so he can feel better about himself because he believes that checking in will make me think he is not getting distracted by her presence. But I know he is sitting right next to her; enjoying his view - all while he sends me those messages, how he is watching her as she walks, bends over, joking around/giggling with her, etc - it is killing me, I want to scream, punch something but I can't, I have to fake it all day. This is going to be a long, triggered day, I have already lost my cool while my little one was doing school work. I am not in the mood to deal with anything today, not at all. I'm angry, on edge and my head is filled with all this bullshit, yet again. This is never going to stop, this torture, all I can do is begin to detach myself in order to become numb to it all again.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for over two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Surviving.

#Video
What Is The Focus Of Your Life

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you, it is difficult to get through anything today though. I don't like information being dropped on me, all of a sudden. It puts me in a total tailspin. Ugh.

 

I have not, but I will definitely look it up and check it out, thank you

 

Yes, that is exactly how it feels and this feeling is the worst, it is turmoil, torture, etc.