my big-sick secret

Hello!

My thought on quiting PMO is cold turkey ( break the habbit suddenly and do not return to it ).
If you happen to relapse start over.

I have a question ( that would be useful for me ): if you watch image/video only with wrestling guys - man's nipples and no penis, no girls do you still feel awkward after watching?

Thank you!

 

Crystallife:

I feel your pain. I have a weakness for wrestling as well.

My situation is different, I'm not in any sort of relationship, so my reboot was "hard mode" -- no sexual activity at all. Keep that in mind as I talk about how things went for me.

For me, turning off all porn, and all fantasy, meant I was able to get all those images out of my head. Not immediately, but it happened. And, after awhile, even when I saw things that used to be huge triggers, they were less triggering.

You may need to avoid any and all wrestling programs and images, at least for a good number of months, in order to de-escalate how much it triggers you.

But it's more than just taking things away. I had to replace the porn and fantasy with other things. It's one reason I've spent a lot of time on this site -- better here than surfing porn. I also spent more time with friends, and took up some hobbies. Replace that void with something that's meaningful, even beautiful. Let's face it: we like to look at the human body, especially in action, because its beautiful. It's good that its beautiful; the problem is how we turn that beauty into a commodity, something we seek to consume.

You have a need for beauty -- we all do. Seek other ways to satisfy it. Listen to beautiful music; look at art; read literature or poetry. Don't ignore the appetite, feed it with something that won't bring you down.

A third point. I realized that when I look at a man's body, I am fetishizing particular parts, or features, of his body, based on ways I perceive myself to be inadequate. What do I do with that? Well, I'm 53, so I'm not ever going to look like I'm 23 again. And I'm too heavy, and not particularly muscular, and so there goes that. I can't "compete" as it were, with the images I ogle. But what I CAN do is stop and remind myself: I don't need to be that man in the picture or the video. I don't need his ____ (fill in the blank). I don't need any of that. I have a good and happy life; I have what I need. Yeah, his chest looks way better than mine. But I don't need his chest, or anything else.

Finally, I have tried to keep reminding myself that that's not an image I'm looking at, but a human being. He doesn't exist simply to be "food" for my lust. He has his own life. I pray for the people I see. I remember that they are human, and deserve my respect.

 

Crystallife:

I understand what you said about even clothing and mats being a trigger. All I can tell you from my experience is that over time, that will greatly lessen. I'm not saying you'll never be triggered by those things, but that it won't be an instant trigger.

 

Hello Crystallife!

Thank you for your answer and congratulations on your recent at least 6-days streak!

I believe that cravings from porn are different than ordinary sexual cravings.

Do you think watching wrestling gives such strong cravings?
I mean would you qualify it as porn or as a porn substitute/trigger?

 

I read the title as "my big-dick secret". Looks like I'm still not rebooted.

 

Crystallife:

My suggestion: find other things -- things that interest you, delight you, things you enjoy -- and fill your time, and thoughts, with those things. If you sit around telling yourself, don't think about you-know-what, don't, don't, DON'T! ...

Then you'll get into trouble.

 

I don't there's anything wrong with what you like. What I find wrong is (1) your inability to share what you love with the person you love and (2) the love of your life not willing to speak to you about the deepest connection lovers can have. Maybe there's a reason he doesn't want to talk to you about this. Maybe he's got a few skeletons in his closet :O I'd say the best way to get over this, especially if you have any chances of rebooting, is talking to him about EVERYTHING you've got going on. I told me ex-girlfriend I was bi, and our sex life got even more amazing! I'm not sure if the bi thing turned her on or possibly the honesty. Whatever it was, the fact that I was open with her made us better. Give it a go, let the guy know what REALLY gets you going.

 

Hello Crystallife!

Thank you for your answer and for your insight!
I didn't thought websites with such a theme exist.

 

I agree with ItaliTrey: there's nothing wrong with what you like. Everyone on this site has their own particular niche that they all feel is there 'big-sick secret'. They are all different, but we come to them for the same reasons: a Pavlovian desire to turn our brains off and run from our fears and stresses and boredom. Years ago, I saw a threrapist for, like you, what I thought were these abnormal manifestations of my sexuality: I kept elaborate journals that had sex stories I would write about women I worked with or were friends with. I was at my wits end, and I thought I was the lowest, darkest, strangest man on Earth. But, again, the therapist told me two things: that I had quite an imagination and I was a good writer. And he left it at that.

And then he got down to brass-tacks: how to deal with the stresses that caused me to engage in this type of behavior. And, in some ways, it worked. I've always made the joke that a trigger for me could be going to the ATM and realizing I only have seven dollars left in the bank. What else am I gonna do but go home and masturbate? Hell! I'll do it in my car! Why wait! INSANITY is what this addiction is. INSANITY.

I also think your situation is one in which you should be able to talk about your feelings with your boyfriend. My feeling is that there will be sense of understanding, and you'll feel immense relief. This will give you the strength you'll need to go down whichever pass you choose. Good luck.

 

Amazing to find this (after a Google search, which I've tried a few times before). So similar to my scenario, and even the conflict of reading about it - because it starts to excite me. I even got an aha from a description above, that the internal struggle (unconscious) over sexuality was readily co-opted by a wrestling fetish. My earliest memories are also about 7, when I was taken to pro wrestling matches. My fetishizing is almost exclusively the submission of the "dominantly" muscular man by the one less than. So with a lot of recent "spiritual" exploration in my life, I've come to see that as ego (just identificaiton as separate self) in imagined control in this Matrix-like world over our true nature of peace, love, etc. The reason I mention this is the conundrum of "fighting" this fetish because it's only ego that feels guilty! So that underlying psychological mechanism FEEDS the horniness, builds it if I (as ego) attempt to overcome it (and then SUBMIT to it). So this site might be a "godsend" in that working with others is one way to take the emphasis off separate-self. I am six years sober so 12-step community was a big part of my exploration that led to a big difference in my life. Also, the merging of the drug addiction with this fetish pretty much almost killed me. I'm still concerned with my masturbation life being a trigger to use. Another difficulty is the "relative" harmlessness compared to the drug addiction, the mental thoughts that say "I can't give up this pleasure - just give up the guilt!" But Septimus above spoke to my ideals, which are hard to grow in this world (so thanks Septimus!). The guilt I believe is ultimately from objectifying people, way beyond sex (separate-self is an illusion, this really is a Matrix world). But I start where I'm at, just like I did getting clean from drugs. The sexual compulsion was an early drug actually, like was also mentioned above, replacing deeper Good that now is time to find ways to honor. This site and thread was a real service, thank you. I haven't even gone to the introduction yet, as I really wanted to honor Gratitude by thanking everyone who contributed here.