The START 2021 STRONGER Challenge [CLOSED]

Day 23

 

At the end of day 19.

Honesty is the key.

Cheers,
Tim

 

Had a dream last night that I bought a box which, when opened, played P in which I unknowingly starred, and then MOed over it. I even dreamed that I was trying to hide it from my wife, and even that I wrote about dropping a level on this thread to let you all know about it at the end.

It was definitely a dream, as I know the P was not real, and it took place in a theme park. And I don’t live in a theme park. And there was no post in this thread. I guess that’s why I couldn’t get to sleep for three hours after waking up from it. But there was no real life PMO, and no post here, just in case I needed the evidence. And there was no wake up chaser. The shame from the dream was too much.

From my other attempts, P in dreams has been a common trope. Usually it felt as though my mind was trying to trick me into PMO, although this one made me feel shame. Maybe a different intent? I don’t know. As we are, today is Day 52, and that dream has only increased my resolve.

 

Don't know the day
But I know how to enjoy the life

 

Been clean for 7 days again

 

Relapsed again. I think part of the issue is i've been too focused on the streak and not focused enough on just moving on from porn. Think it's time to use this site in a different way.

 

Start of Day 20...

When I started this challenge, I made a list of goals that would help me. One of them, was to call someone who is also trying to stay away from the porn, everyday for the next 90 days, and ask them how they are doing.

On a day last week, the first person I called did not answer the phone. Initially, I told myself that I had did the footwork. I could check this off my list.

I remembered a friend once telling me that they keep calling until someone picks up. They have a call list which allows them to do this.

Calling until someone answer's is good for me. It allows me to remain vulnerable, and is one more step away from complacency, and isolation.

Though not everyday is bright and shiny, overall I feel better. I am starting to believe I can do this.

Happy Monday,
Tim

 

It's good that you have someone you can call. I shared my addiction problem with one close friend and he ignored me. I'm pretty sure he's sex-addicted too. I can't think of anyone else I could talk to about this. Which is why I appreciate this forum.

 

Be alert for that 7-day itch...apparently there's an issue with build-up and/or release of testosterone that can create challenges around day 7. When I found out about this, I went back and checked my calendar and damn if that wasn't spot on. Also 14-days. Stay strong.

 

Day 34 - I had a real challenge yesterday, big emotional upset with the wife. I wanted to sneak away and escape from my pain with a PMO session. I managed to avoid acting out. I PM'd a comrade here; wrote a lengthy note about what I was going through and that helped break the urge, and avoid the old pattern of addict behavior. All I needed was a few minutes to re-orient my brain, and kick the addict out of my head. realize what the consequences would be if I went down that same awful path again. Writing my feelings down gave me the time and space to get right. Thank you friend. Thank you all.

 

I know not everyone will agree, but I absolutely believe this is true. The fact is, we have a lot of made up rules for ourselves that make this much harder to make progress. The goal is not a rationalized high number, but growth within our own lives.

 

Day 24

 

Tempted but holding on at Day 37.

.

 

Day 26. Today I almost relapsed, this morning was pretty tense, the thought of what could I see was wandering my mind all this morning, but, luckly today arrived a book that I bought, "Gorin No Sho" from Myamoto Musashi, a major help.