A Future Uncertain - My Story - Chapter 1

Found this today in my morning forum reading.

Sharing here as a reminder to myself that what I am going through is normal and looking ahead for whats ahead.

I can only control how I heal from this.

 

Going to have to start calling these thing entries instead of days. . .
Entry 6:

The last couple days I feel more balanced and in control of my emotions, without a doubt. From being thoughtful and careful how I put my thoughts into words with others, to watching my body language when communicating AND everything in-between.

That's not to say I haven't had crazy moments too. They are just way more controlled. AND when I am having them, I am able to move from them faster by reminding myself that it is normal to feel these things. I still REALLY need to work on not HAVING to reach out to others for validation in these our of control moments AND focus more on how I can work through them myself.

Also, it is still very difficult for me to separate my SOs hurtful words and lashing out as his addiction speaking, but it's getting better each time. Trying to remind myself that he is powerless to his addiction and still doesnt understand the full scope of it.

He was out of town all week. Tuesday when I decided to take my ring off . . and journaled about it.

"Pulling into the parking lot of the S-Anon group I looked down at a ring on my hand that symbolized trust, connection, promise, compromise, love, transparency, friendship, faithfulness, and selflessness. None of which are true. I know that a ring is just a symbolic object, BUT I wore my ring proudly. And right now it is all a lie. And that symbolic object is a reminder of all the lies. A reminder that he kept none of the above promises to me. NONE.

I took my ring off right before walking into S-Anon tonight. Saddened but in a way, it symbolized taking my power back again."
​

I had the ring in my car all week and remembering to bring it inside the day before yesterday I set it on the counter. I kept reminding myself to take it downstairs but failed.

Yesterday when he got home and I wasn't here, he noticed the ring on the counter and text me He was not happy. This was not the way I intended him to find out. I truly felt awful.

I came home eventually and he asked me to come outside and talk. Still confident in my decision, I agreed. First I apologize for him finding it this way. I told him it was NOT intentional and I was sorry for hurting him.

He explained how hurt he was and that he felt like me taking off my ring meant all hope was lost. I told him I understood why he would think that BUT asked him permission to read to him what I wrote when I took it off.

I confidently read the above and explained that if/when I feel like those things are returning that I would gladly put it back on. I explained that it was a decision I made for me. That I understood how it could feel, but this was my decision for now.

Understandably so, he was upset. A couple boundaries were set last night as well, with the understanding that the next month living together prior to me moving out, is going to be a roller coaster of emotion for both of us.

1. If we are at odds and not able to get along and my kids are here . . . he will leave and stay somewhere until he cools off. Likely overnight. And vice versa.
2. If all of the kids are here and we get into a fight . . . and I feel it necessary to leave with my children we will be going to my aunt and uncles and will stay there until we move into the new house, as I wont cart them all over the place.
3. We are both going to have angry moments, sad moments, and going to need space. We will respect each other where we are in those moments and respect that the other may need space.
4. On nights we feel like we can sleep in the same bed, we should. But we will respect if one of us is not comfortable and needs space. He has placed a mattress on the floor of the bedroom. Or there is always the couch.

I feel as though he broke a bit today. Maybe realized the reality of the situation. Not sure who he spoke to or what triggered it, but my hope is that it will be enough for him to actively move towards help. BUT I remind myself I cant control it either. I could help but be excited though.

I do think that this new cool, calm, and collective wife he has who is setting boundaries for herself and detaching BUT still being loving in moments he needs me, has taken him back a bit. It would me too. Honestly its a bit shocking to me.

I am being cautiously loving if that makes sense. Detached enough to know that the emotion I am seeing from him will soon be replaced with anger again. That I could flip my switch tomorrow and lose my shit and fly off my rocker again.

Reading daily is helping me to understand the cycle of emotions that we are going through over and over and over again.

TONIGHT . . I just want to wrap him in my arms and hold him. I am just afraid of being heartbroken again when that switch is flipped. It's such a difficult thing to balance.

I am continuing to read daily. listen to audio books and admittedly really really wish
S-anon was twice a week. lol

In fact, if anyone knows of an online meeting of some sort that I could join I would love the info.

Until next time . . .

 

Entry 7

Well . . the cycle continues. ANGER . . . denial. . . sadness. . . feeling completely deflated.

Last night an Expedia commercial came on and I burst into tears. We were laying next to each other on the couch enjoying a peaceful moment and I lost it OVER A DAMN COMMERCIAL.

I was triggered by the Expedia commercial because it HIT ME ALL AT ONCE that we HAVENT EVEN HAD A REAL HONEYMOON and NOW I AM MOVING OUT.

LITERALLY WTF?

I am trying not to blame him and blame the disease but its hard not to.

Last year we claimed our makeshift honeymoon was London. I even told my co-workers I was going on my honeymoon.

See, he asked me to go to London on a business trip saying that we would make it a long trip and double as our honeymoon.

His boss ended up being our 3rd wheel the entire time. His boss is cool but at this point, I'm like. . . . HEY . . This isn't a honeymoon. We should try again.

His boss thought it would be fun to go to Amsterdam on our way home and paid for our flights. This is one of the many instances that we fought sooooo hard because I wouldn't act out with him.

We were near the redlight district and I had no issues walking through it with him Hell, sadly I was looking into hiring a prostitute. I wasn't feeling well all of the sudden and asked if we could skip it. HE YELLED AT ME AT THE TABLE in front of his boss. SAID . . "I know you would pull this shit. I knew that you would be controlling and get jealous with us coming down here. Hey buddy .. . . I go to sex clubs WITH you . . . why on earth would I be uncomfortable with walking down a street? Of course, I say nothing. And I was upset that he still wanted to and could care less that I wasn't feeling well.

I went back to the hotel I think by myself if I remember right? I could be wrong. Did he stay out with his boss? Not sure. I have tried to block this entire night from my memory.

I do remember sitting in the shower for over an hour sobbing uncontrollably and his sleeping like he could give two shits I was hurting emotionally and physically due to whatever sickness I was dealing with.

THEN . . We had talked last year about going to Mexico in Feb. Life happened and we didn't go. We went to an Airbnb or whatever instead in the neighboring city. We went out and drank so much that Friday and ended up running into one of our MFM guys. He is 25ish and was out with his buddies. Of course, he tried to coax them back with us. It didn't work out. thankfully. Then the next day he was "sick" all day. which I now look back and wonder if he was pouting.


Them in March we talked about finally taking our honeymoon in Mexico this fall. NOW I am moving out. JUST SUCKS.

Yes I acted out with him. I have struggled with this guilt for years. Trying to explain that to him. . . . after doing it willingly, feeling as though it was the only way to please him and connect with him, knowing how he would react (above) is something didnt go his way AND knowing that if I didnt act out with him, he would act out without me.

I remind myself that
1. I always had to be drunk 2. NONE of this "lifestyle" was ever on my radar before him. However, it very much was a part of his life for years.

We will be married 2 years next month. 2 years and I am moving out. Still no honeymoon.

Today I am angry. Angry at him for allowing this disease to ruin our relationship and our lives. Angry at the disease for stealing my husband. Angry at myself for allowing it to go on so long and not standing up for myself and my boundaries.

I am learning through therapy and counseling . . . . well AND you all .. . that "Grooming" is really a thing.

As I reflect on how we got there, I see now how I was groomed.

I wonder if he knew what he was doing. I wonder if he planned for it all along.

 

More like business partner

 

ENTRY 8

So he fessed up today that he lied about having STD tests when I asked, when we first started dating. 4 prostitutes just before we started dating and multiple couples. . .

then lied about having STD tests.

I am sick.

I want to vomit on him.

I'm not so much mad as I am really really sad that I didn't mean more to him, that he would lie about this and knowingly put me in danger.

I feel like a giant piece of trash.

Unloved.

Scum to him.

What the fucking fuck?!!!! Who could lie about that?! At this point, you all are telling me its a disease . . . he is sick. FUCK that! THIS was a decision.

HE CHOSE TO LIE TO ME. PUT ME IN DANGER. HOW IS THAT OKAY? HOW IS THAT A DISEASE?



Hey, on a positive note lol . . . we made love for the first time in our relationship the other night. Like I truly felt him present for the first time ever. He even cried a bit. I needed that so bad. I have been longing for it for years. It was amazing.

LOL soooooo . . .

Well. . . . how do I NOT let this lie rob me of that joy? Because it seems meaningless now.

Again with the trickling of information. Every week something new comes out. AT least this time he didn't have to have proof in front of him.

 

DONT WORRY he made a DR appt for tomorrow or his ass was going to be on the streets tonight.

I just had tests done with my annual ladies appt a couple weeks ago, but they obviously didn't test me for EVERYTHING. Just the basics. I have an appt for next Wednesday.

 

Is this so I wont cut off his penis and feed it to him

 

ENTRY 9:

I’m done.

It would great to have the rest of everything disclosed for my closure and his peace of mind/relief. WISHFUL THINKING.

My walls went up last night. With him leaving on another trip, still not having gone to a meeting or counselor, knowingly lying about having an STD Test when started dating and being capable of hiring multiple prostitutes including a transvestite, right before we started dating . . . I don’t know my husband at all.

The man I am in love with would never do that. The man I love couldn’t lie about an STD Test.

I’m in love with this fictional character that he created.

The man I fell in love with isn’t cruel and mean to me just to get back at me for being upset and angry.

I don’t know this man at all. A man I committed my life to.

My heart hurts.

He text this to me earlier. How do I not take all of this personally? How do I let it go and not let is destroy me?

Him “I don’t really care anymore. My walls have been up since the moment u told me that MY child was the “sole reason for the destruction of our family” last summer. As I said before, I am pretty confident I went ahead and had them test for STDs during past physicals because they have my blood and urine anyways.

U brought your kids into this just like I did. Except...I didn’t give you the third degree on anything and everything you may have done prior to meeting me because it was prior to being with me. So long as u are committed to me while we are together is all that fucking matters. Maybe I should have freaked out on u more when I learned that your friend was your escape fuck buddy. U certainly didn’t volunteer that info up front and it only came out when u were drunk. So what else haven’t u told me? What am I going to find out in the future? It doesn’t matter because I don’t care. It was before me. But u have another one of your magic double standards in place don’t u?

I didn’t admit to hiring any prostitutes PRIOR to dating u because I was ashamed. Guess what? I didn’t have to admit to hiring any of them either. I volunteered that info. And why? Because I finally felt like u wouldn’t judge me. Yes I am ashamed. Extremely. I didn’t want to ever have to talk about that because it is something I’m not proud of. But what I find strange (actually not so much) is your astonishing double standard. U asked me once years ago if I ever paid for sex. I said no out of embarrassment. But u at least came across as non judgmental at the moment. Was that just a trap? Or how about when u looked into hiring a prostitute when we were actually considering doing a mff situation? I guess that’s ok because it’s you? “The man I married would never sleep with prostitutes”. Jesus Christ. The self righteous double standards are through the roof. You’re right that most of the women are not in that industry by choice. It’s the majority reason why I have guilt and shame. I didn’t actively think about that. I willingly buried my head in the sand. And if you think otherwise then fuck u. I don’t need your self righteous condemnation.

My brain is a fog right now. I am confident i have been blood and urine tested before but even if not the Red Cross doesn’t accept tainted blood. Hep C...HIV...herpes don’t slip through. Things like gonorrhea, chlamydia manifest symptoms. Besides....YOU yourself got checked out months ago and were fine! But I risked YOUR life? Yeah that’s it. It certainly wasn’t your promiscuity before me or actually during your time WITH me was it? It wasn’t a double life. It was life after divorce. But it doesn’t shock me that u wish to imagine otherwise. It’s what u do. Makes me wonder how many stories u have told over the years of how many times you’ve been wronged by SO many people have any semblance of accuracy. It’s my fault. It’s Ex 1s fault. It’s Ex 2s fault. It’s Ex 3s fault. It’s your moms fault. It’s dads fault. It’s Your Aunts fault. It’s the economy’s fault. Nope. No responsibility with You. Youve been squeaky clean. So . . . I hope YOU figure out your constant double standards. I hope YOU figure out that playing the victim and not accepting responsibility will continue to get you nowhere. Maybe U do deserve better. Maybe u deserve marriages 4, 5 and 6. They too will be the fault of someone else. I will have fun in Illinois because I will be focusing my time and energy on my kids....and not my pouting wife.

I am getting the help I need because I recognize it finally. I don’t think u ever will.”

Me “You say to the person who is in 5 hours of therapy per week and you have been? . . . Exactly“

Him “ Exactly.

I schedule it on my terms because I think I need it but that’s not good enough for u

U need it to be when YOU say it should be. With the group YOU choose.

Control. It’s always been about control. If u don’t have it...there’s hell to pay”


Then he hugs me when I leave and tells me he loves me.

I’m hoping to have all my stuff moved out by the time he gets back from his trip.

 

Yeah I am struggling. This will be divorce 3 for me at 35 years old if I count when I got married at 17 for a year because I was pregnant with my son. So yeah it stings. BAD. 3 divorces. My last husband was an alcoholic. Maybe he is right. Maybe it's my fault. I'm almost certain I will never date again EVER.

 

Entry 10:

Taking a step towards healing today.

I’m a huge Dave Matthews fan.

In the last 15 years, I think I have one missed 3 of his tours.

Me and my SOs first date was a DMB concert. It was 6.20.14. I was selling my tickets on fb because although I usually went both show nights, finances being tight I decided to sell my tickets for one of those night.

After a couple months of trying to get me to go on a date with him, with no success, my SO offered to buy my tickets. Then turned around and said “well now you have to go with me because I don’t have a date.”

Romantic right? I USED TO LOVE TELLING THAT STORY.

Although we were going as “friends only” and I set those boundaries ahead of time, as the magic of the night progressed we had our first kiss.

Once I dropped him back off at his car we made out, there was definitely a passion there (what I thought was passion at the time.)

He begged and tried to convince me to go get a hotel room with him. We were 20 miles from any decent hotel. He just wanted “to shower and cuddle. Nothing more.” After trying for what seemed like forever to convince me. We left and went out separate ways.

I look back on this now and think. . . Why didn’t I see it then?

Regardless, this is not the reason for my post today.

Today is DMB. Dateless. Alone. All of my friends either had plans or went out of town. I wasn’t going to go. How could I go alone? I even asked my mom to go with me. Lol Me and my mom don’t really get along.

A fb friend of mine posted that he wanted to go but didn’t know anyone going. I messaged him to either 1. Give him my tickets 2. Give him 1 ticket and we could go alone, together so we aren’t so lame.

He opted for the 2nd option.

Relieved that I still get to go but also, seeing flashbacks of 4 years ago. “Going as friends”

This guy went to my church. We have greeted together done many church events together and I sit on a few boards and committees with his ex wife.

Dangerous? No, not in the mindset I’m in. And knowing I am way stronger than before. Knowing that this guy at least has morals. Lol

Could this hurt my SO OTHER IF HE FOUND OUT? Yes, yes it would. Do I care? No no I fucking don’t. Not one tiny bit. I’m pending results of multiple std tests because of his SA and lack of respect for me. Fuck him.


Why is this a step towards healing.

1. The fact I am even going knowing that being there “alone” in the same place we had our first date, first kiss, will trigger emotion for me. This poor guy surely goes through the same with his ex wife and him having gone for years.

2. Laying down clear boundaries. And not letting the past trigger.

3. Getting out of the house. Out of self pity and doing something for me because I want to.


Wish me luck. At least I know it’s going to be an emotional night.

I’ll probably be back.