ending this at nearly 20 and its been 13 years

i literally started it on a 2009 day with my moms phone. i didnt have a phone back then. an boring friday noon, i picked up what has been spreading in my 4th grade classmates: starting from big b*****. i took my moms iphone 4s for that. the next morning she noticed the unusual traffic and looked up the history, scolded me but believed me after telling me all ab p*rn, and reminding herself that im a girl.
what can i say? i never had a relationship irl actually tells a lot. but to tell u the truth?i watch it every half year cuz in my school years screen time was a luxury i put most times into studying before 18. soon as i enter my okay-ish college its like once every two months. i know it deep down that me on my face, u prolly wont believe or find it other than eye bags i suffer from no sleep due to anxiety and depressions. but my grades has been so low in college years, i failed 3 classes alrd. it cant be p*rn, but it could be. its a getaway for me, while i have stronger addictions on social anxiety, stress and wanting to succeed that i cry myself to sleep every night. irl im prolly still a bright-as-hell person, who tells others its okay to do this and that . but deep down i feel so sorry, for my mom cuz i never lived up to her expectations, for my friends cuz i know they expect better from me. thats a big part of my low self-esteem which keeps me in this depression state, also why i cant keep my head up a lot of times.
Besides all of using p*rn for like like 30 ish times in my life, i believe this p*rn shit has put me in a pretty fked up state of mind. At 14 years old,i almost know every dirty jokes to an amout that isnt funny anymore, at 18, i almost resonate with these ppl with drug addiction, growing up i almost like to view stuff everywhere in a s*xualized way that im most ashamed of above all, even more than the way i used to watch p*rn at 9.this also, imo, keeps my self-esteem low cuz im pretty damn sure nobody wants to know whats in my mind.
im just coming here to end it all abruptly and thoroughly cuz i dont need it in my life simply. and i hate my self-esteem to be so low bc of that, i hate self-harm, i hate being depressed bc of that when i alr have sm things on my schedule. im gonna be successful and im almost having no time to think about this shit, the future me is gonna be proud!