Going Through a Rough Spot

I apologize in advance if this gets long-winded or disjointed but life sucks right now. Thanks to COVID, I'm living at home with my parents in a town where any friends I used to have moved away a long time ago. I have friends and a church family back where I went to college but that's way too far away to realistically visit often and I'm not close enough with any of them to feel comfortable talking about my feelings and struggles with them. Not to mention my ex still goes to that church and being dumped out of the blue last month for "not being on the same timeline" still really stings. I don't even have a job to fall back on for social interaction since I got fired toward the beginning of the year (thanks, ADD). I've been going to counseling but that's only 1 hour a week so I'm left with the entire rest of the week to process my thoughts and feelings on my own.

I'm not terribly far into recovery/rebooting yet. I just really started trying to quit toward the end of last year and, so far, the best I've done is two weeks clean. However, I have progressed enough that having sex is no longer the end-all, be-all it used to be for me. Sure, I'm more likely to be interested in someone I think is pretty but I'd rather be understood and appreciated and loved first, *then* aroused if that makes any sense at all. The problem is, there doesn't seem to be a lot of prospects for an extremely shy and sensitive (INFP for you Myers-Briggs fans) Christian guy that is a MASSIVE movie and video game nerd. At least not in the places I've lived over the past 7 years. It doesn't help that I shoot myself in the foot by falling too hard and too fast every time any woman catches my eye and have a chronic problem with opening up way too soon whenever I actually do luck out and get into a relationship.

There is nothing I crave more than settling down and starting a life with someone but some days, like today, it feels completely impossible, especially with this disgusting disease of an addiction still poisoning my mind. Knowing how much it has warped my brain and how long it has dominated my life makes it hard to feel like I even deserve the kind of love I crave sometimes. Has anybody else here felt like that before?

I'm not entirely sure where I was going with all this to be honest. It sure feels good to get it off my chest though.

 

No idea how I missed where you replied! My bad! I appreciate the encouragement though. I guess I’ve taken your advice without realizing it since I’ve been learning to accept and love myself better than I have before. Plus, I’m planning on moving back to where most of my friends live pretty soon so that ought to help.

How are you doing? Have things gotten any better since you posted here? Let me know if I can help you out!