HOCD

SimonaAlex · Sep 7, 2021

For the past 2 years, I've had OCD, when I was 15 years old. I have Sexual OCD, like Homosexual OCD, Pedophilia OCD, Zoophilia OCD, and even Incest OCD.

At the age of 12, I remember having my first crush on a guy in my class. He was the only guy I've ever fallen in love with before HOCD took over. Since then, I don't recall having a sexual/romantic crush on a woman, I never second-guessed my sexuality. I've never had the interest in fantasizing about myself doing sexual/romantic things to females, except that I had gay thoughts, yes, I can admit that but I didn't feel like liking them and I did not care and moved on with my life. At the age of 13, I chose to date a female when I played Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. I've had one or few girl crushes, but they weren't sexual or romantic. Even if they were sexual/romantic, I wouldn't be in this forum and I would've known that I was bisexual. I've always known I was a heterosexual female, based on my preference for my fantasies of having sex with males and liking it and even having attractions. When HOCD sprung out, I remember feeling immense anxiety and I tried to suppress it, but it didn't help. When I check my past, my HOCD would convince me that my attractions to men were fake and that I've had attractions to females without realizing it. I've made many attempts of fantasizing about myself doing romantic/sexual things to males, but then HOCD would automatically switch to women. I really couldn't tell whether my attractions to women are actually true, or even false. If they're true, then so be it. I would be bisexual and still date men. At the age of 14, I was hanging out with my friend in school and then my classmate came to me and asked me if I was a lesbian because he saw me talking to my best friend and I told him no. I don't think he was just joking, I think he was trying to make me feel upset. I got called lesbian again in a rude way because there was this kid who was riding a bicycle and saw me and my another best friend chatting and thought that we were dating.

Today, my (false) attractions to women are not that strong as it was before, but there's this lingering doubt that's still making me question whether I'm straight or bisexual. I guess it's a good sign that I'm recovering.

AtomicTango · Sep 7, 2021

The simple question you have to ask yourself is this: "Did you have these thoughts/feelings before porn, or did they only crop up afterward?"

I'd say most of the time, these thoughts are the result of escalation. You become desensitised to thinking about your "true" preference, and so move onto something more novel in order to continue being aroused.

Also, your thoughts dont define who you are. It's perfectly possible to accept that a person of the same sex is attractive without feeling romantic or sexual attraction. In much the same way it's possible to get so angry you feel like you want to hurt someone, but you dont actually do it.

In the end though, only you can decide this for yourself.

SimonaAlex · Oct 14, 2021

AtomicTango said: ↑

The simple question you have to ask yourself is this: "Did you have these thoughts/feelings before porn, or did they only crop up afterward?"

I'd say most of the time, these thoughts are the result of escalation. You become desensitised to thinking about your "true" preference, and so move onto something more novel in order to continue being aroused.

Also, your thoughts dont define who you are. It's perfectly possible to accept that a person of the same sex is attractive without feeling romantic or sexual attraction. In much the same way it's possible to get so angry you feel like you want to hurt someone, but you dont actually do it.

In the end though, only you can decide this for yourself.
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Never had them before HOCD. I really appreciate for taking the time to help.

SimonaAlex · Oct 15, 2021

WildEntheology said: ↑

Basically you have to accept that if you are gay, you are going to be okay. OCD is an anxiety disorder, it literally feeds off of our anxiety. The more anxious we feel about the possibility that the thoughts are true, the more powerful the thoughts are. We start fighting them more and more, which just makes us feel more anxious, which of course just makes the thoughts come more frequently and feel more powerful. The simple yet extraordinarily difficult thing to do is to stop fighting the thoughts and instead accept that even if they are true, you are going to be okay.

Think about it. Does it really matter if you're attracted to women? Like why would you even feel anxious about that? You know you like men so what is the issue if you like women too? I'm not saying you do, because I think we both know you probably don't, but if you did, why would it matter? It's a little silly when you think about it.

For myself, I realized while I was meditating how ridiculous it was. I was so afraid of being gay that I was often curled up in the fetal position trying to fight back the intrusive thoughts. Then I realized how ridiculous that was. I had a family that would have accepted me, I had friends who would have accepted me, I had all these people who would have accepted me wholeheartedly. Then why was I so afraid? I realized at that moment that what I was really afraid of was not being attracted to women. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to have a real relationship with women, and yet I knew that was also ridiculous because I was definitely attracted to women.

Did you catch that? I said, "while I was meditating." While I was doing a practice specifically for calming down and cultivating a peaceful mindset...I just so happened to stumble on peace. By dealing with the anxiety rather than the thoughts I was able to calm the anxiety down enough to realize how ridiculous the thoughts really were. This may not happen in exactly the same way for you, but if you start working on your anxiety you can absolutely see some progress. This is especially true if you HOCD isn't that bad.

So to summarize, here is what you need to do:

Learn to accept that if you are attracted to women, you are going to be okay. And even if you are, you are still attracted to men so who cares if you were attracted to women too!

Stop trying to fight the thoughts, just notice them and say oh it's you, and then try to bring your attention back to what you were doing

Stop checking behaviours. If you check to see if you are gay by looking at women or doing something else, that feeds the thoughts, try to stop doing them altogether. You'll get better and better at catching them when you do them.

Start meditating if you don't already. I recommend starting at just 5 minutes each day, and then work your way up to at least 30 minutes. I know that may seem like a long time but if you check out the podcast in my signature you'll get a great overview of why meditation can be so powerful.

Always, always, always give yourself love. You always deserve to love yourself.

All the best!
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Thank you for that. Although, I'm feeling different and normal nowadays as my false attractions are slowly decreasing. I'm not sure if I'm being correct. Before OCD, I felt really normal and in peace, no constant doubts about myself. I went to talk to my school psychologist and explained to her about my intrusive feelings and thoughts, but she dismissed my case. She only told me that maybe I was attracted to the same sex, family members, animals and children in a friendly way.

SimonaAlex · Oct 17, 2021

WildEntheology said: ↑

Yeah it can be difficult dealing with modern therapists. I think therapy is amazing and I think everyone should have one, but the simple fact is that you have to shop around to find good ones.

I think that therapy is also going through a bit of a weird phase right now. We've kind of gone to the extreme end of accepting everything and being open to everything. If you're attracted to the same-sex or whatever else, that's totally fine! Accept yourself! Everything is beautiful! But what if you're not? What if you have an anxiety disorder that is fueling thoughts that aren't actually true?

I feel that we have to strike a balance between accepting ourselves fully, while also striving for self-improvement. Yes, self-acceptance is a beautiful, powerful thing, but we should also strive to change ourselves for the better.

Work to accept yourself and continue to do self-improvement work, and you'll find these thoughts fully disappear. Trust me on that.
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Thank you.

Deleted Account · Oct 26, 2021

Pls answer
1. Did you have gay thoughts before watching porn in life.?

2. Did you have any kind ocd in childhood like symmetric ocd, eg- always want evrrything in order, cleanliness, double checking.?

3.did your attraction to female is unacceptable to you.?

4. Have an inner voice speaking to you.?

5. What kind p* you watch mainly?( optional qn)

6. Did you get triggerd from a simple image but it is somewhat related to the porn you watch.?

7.did you get compulsive and obsessive thoughts when triggerd.?

8.did your mind go autopilot sometimes?

9.do you have a feeling that, world is f**kd up?

10. Did you worry about problems taking in world and you worry about that unnecessarily.?

11. Did you have ADHD .?

12. Sometime you show bipolar disorder.like so much energy and acting impulsively.?

(If you have any prblm, you can direct msg me and dont post here. I am not a doctor, i am simple man, whose life has been destroyed by this ocd with sexual obsession. So i do a lot of research on this ocd.! I think i can help you.i do a lot of reasearch on this hocd too.)i.like to add something..hocd is the gateway to the world of gay. So you must take measures to avoid it ASAP. Also ocd can never be cured. It will be hiding in your inner mind even if you are on nofap 1000 day. But you can overrides it with an another habit. But serious work is needed.ocd is a dangerous Disease.
This ocd is very complex when it link with our sexuality.
Consider your guru is training you, by throwing some stones at you, stones names are tiredness, anxiety, deppression, life problems etc and he is talking like this," hey you have to face this stones and defend it, then only you will become who you are and you meet your destiny ". But then a devil came and give you a shield called porn and tell you use it and its safe.so there your problems started.you are depending on that shield and you question your life and sexulaity, because you dont know who you truly are and what all are your inner powers. So you are a weak man/women whose life is depending on this shield. So to become stronger you must get rid of this shield(porn ) and face the reality.

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HOCD

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