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It's not the rupture, it's how we mend it

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TheMightyQuinn, Aug 9, 2019.

  1. Aug 9, 2019 #1
    TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

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    I was once told this by a marriage counselor.

    My wife and I have been experiencing some issues in our marriage, not of the same topic of this forum so I won't go into detail here at this time. I might in another thread. Suffice it to say, it produced a rupture in our marriage. At 2AM several days ago in an emotional heart to heart conversation we saw that we could be facing an issue that if unresolved would result in the death of the marriage. This terrified both of us.

    I love my wife dearly. She is radiantly beautiful. I told her so last night sitting on our porch swing watching the sun set.

    We both agreed to work really hard to resolve this issue, for ourselves, for our marriage, for our two year old daughter. Will it be easy? No, it's going to be really hard at times.

    Here's where I'm going with this thread:

    I see so much suffering in this forum. The hiding, the gas-lighting, the discovery, the lying, the cheating...

    That is the rupture.

    But the saddest thing of all that I see is when the spouse who created the rupture refuses to put their genuine whole-hearted effort into healing that rupture.

    It's not the rupture that says "I don't love you" necessarily. The rupture says "I have a problem and I have hurt you deeply". It is refusing to heal that rupture that says "I don't love you or value you or our marriage or our family enough to try".

    If my wife had refused me when I came to her with this crisis, I would be in agony. It would be the biggest emotional wound of my life second only to the loss of my beloved daughter. I am grateful to be with a person who truly loves me and our family. I'm still very emotional, very tender, very scared. But outcomes are for God. Effort is for people.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
    TheMightyQuinn, Aug 9, 2019
    TheMightyQuinn, Aug 9, 2019
    #1
    happy08, TooMuchTooSoon, hope4healing and 4 others like this.
  2. Aug 9, 2019 #2
    Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Very well written and I agree. Thank you
     
    Lostneverland, Aug 9, 2019
    Lostneverland, Aug 9, 2019
    #2
  3. Aug 9, 2019 #3
    Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Profound words, so true. Like you, I've thought about this a lot. In fact, this might be the greatest lesson about life and human nature I've experienced so far. "It's not the rupture, it's how me mend it..."

    I remember Christmas. One month has passed since I discovered that our intimate life together was a lie. I had cried everyday, in the commercials of every Christmas movie, in my Christmas food, in the bathroom. We had stopped watching Game of Thrones because I had to leave the room like a freak during every sex scene. So basically left with watching Disney from the 90s, we found ourselves on the couch one day, embracing. Per usual, I was crying.
    "All I want", he said, "is for you to not be sad any more".

    This was one of the rare occasion he showed feelings other than hostility when the subject of his porn use came up, to which I responded:
    "Then you have to truly show that you are sorry, you have to mean that, and not do it again".

    He looked me in the eyes and apologized and swore to never do it again. I saw this as me being offered the one surgery that could make me whole again, and I was strangely but firmly at peace with leaving it all behind, if he could provide these tools to mend me. I could have paid all the money I owned right then and there for the rupture to be closed. What an opportunity...!

    Days later he was back to porn.

    This concept of how we mend things, and how it's somehow even greater than our mistakes, have indeed played in my mind a lot. In fact, over the course of my own failed past relationship, this lesson is what I take with me. I will (hopefully) not be one of those self righteous people that lays on the deathbed regretting nothing. I might not even regret my mistakes that much. But I will regret not doing EVERYTHING and more to make up for the bad things I did.
     
    Lilla_My, Aug 9, 2019
    Lilla_My, Aug 9, 2019
    #3
    EyesWideOpen, hope4healing and TheMightyQuinn like this.
  4. Aug 9, 2019 #4
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    Well stated - that is an excellent perspective. Thank you for sharing.
     
    Deleted Account, Aug 9, 2019
    Deleted Account, Aug 9, 2019
    #4
  5. Aug 9, 2019 #5
    hope4healing

    hope4healing NoFap Moderator
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    Thanks for the great post, Quinn. As always, you're insightful and wise. I'm sorry to hear of your marriage difficulties, but I'm happy you're both so committed to work through it together.
    This is too common, it seems. I think it falls in with the denial that often keeps progress from happening, and it is likely fueled by shame. And, you're right, it is so sad.
     
    hope4healing, Aug 9, 2019
    hope4healing, Aug 9, 2019
    #5
    TheMightyQuinn likes this.
  6. Aug 9, 2019 #6
    Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    But outcomes are for God. Effort is for people.

    Ya know , this one line actually broke me today . My heart exploded ♥️ lol
    When only one is putting in REAL effort to fix the rupture , the one that didn’t cause said rupture , it IS so so sad and unfair and quite honestly MADDENING . ( I’ve been using this word often lately :)
    I am trying to let God create the outcome by remaining graceful with him . As for my husband, it’s different . He’s not someone that ENJOYS putting effort into things . So he along with GOD , is predicting the outcome for lack of effort ! Ha ! Did that even make sense ;)
     
    Queenie%Bee, Aug 9, 2019
    Queenie%Bee, Aug 9, 2019
    #6

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