This is my Story -23 M, 14 years of addiction (Trigger Warning!)

Hey everyone! I've been on NoFap for about a week. I'm finally mustering up the courage to post about my story raw, without hiding any details. WARNING! Potential triggers if you decide to read, particularly related to sissy/transgendered person stuff.

Well, here it goes:

I was around 9 and I remember being in one of my brothers room and seeing a magazine with a scantily dressed woman on it. At times when he was out of the house I'd sneak into his room and pour my eyes onto this magazine, intrigued by what I was seeing. Soon after I'd find myself masturbating to it for a short time and feeling the sensation of pleasure. This may sound weird but I've never masturbated the typically way, I'd hump the ground or my hand - not so much stroking. Now that I think of it, I remember humping and masturbating long before 9, I'd put myself to sleep quite often - I was a horny little bastard! Anyways, I found out later my bro moved a box of his mags in the garage, I instantly went searching for them as I had a thrill and craving for more. I eventually found the box, it was a big blue Rubbermaid container I remember.

I cracked open that box and knew I was in for a treat. Long story short, that box disappeared one day, I think my my mom cleaned the garage or something. I never ended up taking any magazines as I had the fear of someone would find out I took it. I remember jerking off to catalogs that people wouldn't consider stimulating - anything that had any sort of girls in it that were attractive - damn this is when the objectification came about? This early in my addiction and didn't even know.. But some of these store catalogs, you know the women's clothing section? That'd get me closest to what I saw in those dirty skin mags I found earlier. I remember getting off to a ballet / dance catalog.. damn that was a good one.

I then started fantasizing and thinking more and more dirty. One day I decided to go into my sisters room and went through her dresser and found her panties, a whole bunch - I was in heaven. I put my face in them, smelled them, etc. - did that a few times off and on when she was out of the room. I eventually took a couple pairs of her panties, stuffed them in my pockets, ran to my room hoping to not get caught, closed my door, locked it, and wore them, and masturbated in them several times. I remember, a black pair with a pink outline, and the other was see-through and a light blue. My goodness, the thrill was like no other.. I never returned them, and continued to jerk off in them often while humping to the catalogs I cherished so closely. One day my mom was cleaning my room and she found my stash of a few catalogs and my sisters panties..She said something along the lines of "What the hell? What are these doing back here?? And are you masturbating to these catalogs?! Why are your sisters underwear back here?" - I don't remember the exact words but man I felt quite embarrassed. Of course she took them, but that didn't stop me.

Flashback: I remember even younger than 9 I was in the laundry room one day and saw my older sisters red thong with that Betty Boop cartoon on it. It really got me going, I picked em up, smelled em, licked em, rubbed my face in them - and think I may have even slid them on and got such a thrill and that was the beginning of the cycle from stealing panties to use for my sexual satisfaction.

So maybe a year or so later (not sure about approx dates, trying to remember) I got a desktop computer, and found out I could make a MySpace page. I remember meeting a girl on there and we were talking dirty to eachother. I remember on thing she said was "I'm gonna lick your body from your chest down to your toes." and I remember saying some pretty raunchy stuff back. I initiated the conversation. I jerked off to the fascination of having sex with her off and on throughout the days - might've been looking at her pics too, she wasn't super sexy, but it was the first girl to give me attention. We never ended up doing anything together - I think this was actually a girl at my school.. because I saw someone that looked just like her and every time I saw her I felt awkward.

As the years went on I got a laptop that's when things got real bad. I was in Middle School and my porn use skyrocketed. When I got home I'd lay my laptop on the ground, rest my head on a pillow and hump away practically every day - especially after school.. You know, to relieve some "stress" ? I was never a popular kid, yet I was extremely shy and hated school, I never ate lunch a singe day - I'd sit in the bathroom stall or go to the library. So as more time went on my addiction progressively got worse. I started building collections filled with images and videos all categorized and everything. I still have visuals / a memory of quite a few of those images - I'm the type to have favorites and returning to them many times, I've always been that way. I saved everything on a pink thumb drive - that was my secret stash that I cherished so closely and made sure no one would ever find it. I worked for a good while building up that stash while constantly consuming new videos and images - trying to find anything and everything that would give me an intense rush.

I still have that flashdrive with me to this day and haven't deleted anything off of it.

Anyways, throughout all of Highschool porn was how I coped with things. I had a couple friends in Highschool which helped, but it didn't stop me from my bad habits. In Highschool there was a lot of mental pain and everyday I got home from school I'd treat myself to a fap session. I started consuming more graphic porn and using heavily. I was extremely shy, fearful, and porn was my only escape - the addiction escalated heavily. Through Highschool I slept in the same room with my older brother and I'd be on my laptop at my desk masturbating furiously staring at the bright screen while he was asleep with the covers over his head. Maybe it was the thrill of getting caught? I don't know, but I didn't care, I needed to get my fix.

Around 21 I moved out of my parents house to go live with my other older brother and his sister-in-law. I've been living here for a good few years now. A few months ago I ended up seeing my sister-in-law's thong on the ground, grabbed em and smelled them, and then rubbed them against my penis getting a sick joy out of it. Later, I see them in the laundry room one day and slipped the panties on, humped myself to a few orgasms while secretly fantasizing what it'd feel like to be a woman - did this practically every time I saw them in the laundry room. I remember even searching through the mixture of my brothers clothes and hers like a junkie looking for meth in a dumpster - I did this several times to find a bra or panties, I needed it, I craved to have them in my hands. From the bathroom floor to my bed in my room I'd use her panties to satisfy my self.. never got caught and I never kept hers (but I was seriously considering it). I've also fantasied about having sex with my sister several times before as well, obviously never did anything - it was just a sick thought in my mind at one point.

You see, I am all alone by myself everyday - I get very little interaction and never get out of the house. I believe this is a big contributor to all this stuff. I've never had a girlfriend, and have only ever had a couple real friends.

When I moved my addiction got to its absolute worst. I started consuming anything and everything, you name it and I've probably seen it. I had spurts of watching extremely rough porn as well. I bought a fleshlight, and used that often as well - I ended up going through that one and later bought a more high quality one.

I randomly signed up for several dating sites and one day I was in contact with a very attractive female. We ended up exchanging numbers and talked very dirty to eachother while we sexted a bit.

I bought a $60 custom porn clip of a girl masturbating.

I filmed myself several times for some reason as well. Sometimes in female clothes, sometimes just regular and would use that to get off? My mind has suffered much phycological trauma.

And most recently before I started NoFap I was consuming Lesbian, transgendered person, and futanari, and hentai porn and any variation of it on a daily basis on a massive scale. A lot of the times I'd just go back to my image collections of porn as some of the fantasies or visuals didn't exist the way I wanted in a video format I would orgasm on average 5 times a day, maybe even more. I would hump my bed, orgasm, fall asleep, and repeat several times til' I was satisfied or didn't have the energy to do it anymore. I would never clean up, just explode and pass out. I'd also use PMO to fall asleep almost every night. Why Lesbians? I love how sweet and intimate they are towards eachother, and how they express pleasure. Why transgendered person porn? Not quite sure why honestly. But I did enjoy straight porn as well, just depended on the mood.

Constantly building up an even bigger collection than what I had on that thumbdrive.. I stocked up about 30 GB of porn on my phone all organized and everything.. My phone became the ideal way to consume porn, it became my comforting friend - yet did I know how destructive this would be.

As I consumed transgendered person porn I kept fantasizing and wanting to be a ladyboy. I looked at sissy captions, etc. That spiraled into me getting into crossdressing, getting sex toys, etc. I bought a crop top, skirt, lace neck chokers, thigh high socks, and panties.. I wore them occasionally strictly for sexual pleasure strictly when masturbating and eventually I wanted more and as of a few weeks ago I got lingerie - some garter belts, lace leggings, and a wig. I'd masturbate in these for hours while consuming absurd porn wanting to feel like and be a woman. Even considered shaving my legs partially..
Perhaps I wanted to be what I was viewing?

On my sexual desires I've probably spent about $130 combined.

I then realized I really needed to stop. I decided to check out NoFap as I was once heard of it earlier but just said to myself "ehh.. that's too much work, I ain't giving anything up".

In recent times I'm truly realizing we are surrounded with porn, like everywhere - it can be so difficult to escape. Pretty much any social network :/

By the way, I'm 100% attracted to women and hope to find a loving woman and get married one day, I have zero attraction to men. I believe I just have a crossdressing fetish / fantasy.

Writing all this out has been a bit difficult thing for me, and my greatest fear is being judged for it. please don't scorn me. This is my attempt of accepting the past for what it was and forgiving myself finally - In my heart I know I don't want any of this. I am a changing man now, and I understand I may struggle, and that I may have difficult thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure if I'm crossing the line by talking about certain things here, if so moderators please don't ban me, just tell me what I did wrong and I'll change the details - this platform is like a home to me and without it I'd be hopeless. I am doing much better now, and trying to heal from the past.

May I be free from these chains.

 

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. As I was writing the story and even a bit after I was still thinking to myself of how much of a freak and weirdo I am and worrying if others would think that as well. Your comment helps put my mind more at ease... The past is difficult, we can only try our best to move forward. If you ever wanna chat sometime I'd love that - I see you're new here.. You can chat via hovering over the "inbox" tab on the menu bar.

 

Thank you Life can be hard when you feel so alone, I wish the best for you as well!