Ladies only

I think if you asked a wider group in long term committed relationships you may get a different answer. But then, as you can see here, how many of the women here didn't even know - for years, even decades, in some cases - the extent the PMO was going on and how badly it affected their intimacy? It can be hidden quite well in the day to day life of taking care of children, careers, etc, especially when it most often happens at places away from home. But as I said, it is all the same to me, and my husband feels the same, despite the fact that he used PMO for years. If I had known of his P use before we married, we wouldn't have gotten married. If something were to happen to him and I met someone down the road, absolutely any sign of PMO and I will walk. There will be no second chances given to anyone else. I won't go through this again.

 

These 5 women haven't lived with a PA spouse for upwards of 5, 10 or 20 years.

 

The thing is whether we as SO's stated prior to the relationship that porn wasn't ok (Like i did) or along the way told them, they used behind our backs and lied. I personally had a problem with the porn for my own personal health reasons, and others may not have been as impacted by the porn, but I think we all agree it's the lying that pretty much destroyed the relationship and "lack of respect" for our needs/boundaries.

If a PMOer asked their wife to stop texting an ex, and she said, "but we are friends, all my friends text their ex's they stayed in contact with" it would be the *same* thing in a way. The PMOer drew a boundary and the wife denied/minimized and continued to do so (secretely this time). Then the husband finds out later, and he feels disrespected and not good enough.

*same* = used that to describe similar emotions involved and similar needs being asked and similar reactions to those needs being asked. (not saying texting and ex and porn are same just to clarify).

But I agree that I've said it to my husband that it would have been easier if he physically cheated because then people would understand my pain. I've told friends and every one of them was like, "Seriously? Come on Anna, get over your anorexia let him watch porn" as if his watching porn was more important than my physical health (porn has been a trigger into relapse behaviors in past hence why I set the boundary prior to relationship). They told me to get over it, it wasn't "cheating", it's harmless, I'm too sensitive, give him a break, give him more sex, etc.

If he had physically cheated the answers would have been different, they would have said things along the lines of, "How could he do that to you after everything!" "leave him you deserve better" "I can see why you're struggling so much, let's have a girls day to make you feel better."

This has been the most isolating experience of my life. I lost friends, my family still on occasion doesn't understand and says comments that are soooooo hurtful (i.e. taylor swfit was on tv and my mom said, "Oh Jak doesn't like skinny girls (talking to my dad when he asked what Jak thought. I was standing right there [i'm pregnant atm]). It was horrid. My mom even told me that I was being mean to him by having boundaries and that Jak should do whatever he wants.... I rest my case.

 

My parents didn't need a tragic incident to establish boundaries.
They have been married half a century.
Did it before they got married... And my mom recently said that this last decade is their happiest one yet (grandchildren, ha!)
How many people still have married parents?
Where I am, I don't know any.
But I grew up in a Boundaries world and when the CC said it, I was like ooohhh yeah. Duh.
I agree @AnonymousAnnaXOXO, boundaries are what will make you last.

 

My parents are still married, and I've seen their arguments, I've seen them make up, and I've seen boundaries with them. I may not totally understand their dynamic but I respect it if it works for them.

 

I think what Anna is saying is that there is not the same support for significant others of PA as there is for cheating spouses. Because some tend to think P is no big deal, the isolation due to non -support makes the pain worse. Does that makes sense?

 

I doubt I'll be offering a fresh perspective, but as this entire thread has captivated my attention, I'm motivated to offer my 2 cents. Objectively comparing levels of betrayal within relationships is impossible simply because relationships themselves are complex. Every SO has different boundaries, experiences, past trauma, emotions, feelings, etc. So whereas one spouse discovers a years long betrayal from habitual porn use and is affected as much as an extended affair, another would not find the problem as catastrophic. One response is not any better or worse than the other, nor is one more justified than the other. As a result, I can't easily judge a spouse for reacting to the pain addiction has caused in a relationship as an immediate deal breaker vs. one who forgives and works with the addict to overcome. I don't know the history, the trauma, previous betrayals and countless other factors that come into play. Is a years long secretive porn habit better or worse than a private sexting exchange? Is lying habitually about porn for years better or worse than a single one night stand affair? I've seen different opinions on both sides of the issue from SOs, but that doesn't mean a single answer is correct.

I've personally known spouses who have forgiven their SOs for engaging in multiple instances of infidelity, and I've admired their commitment to their marriages and their families. I've also known those whose marriages disintegrated with a single count of infidelity, and I would never condemn the spouse who couldn't forgive or overcome because every relationship is different and complicated. What we all can agree on is the insidious nature of porn, of its destructive effects to relationships, of it's lies in pretending to offer solutions to problems or difficulties. The same can be said with sexting, online chats, prostitution, affairs, and so forth. None of these things have a place in committed, loving relationships. Until we purge our lives from these relationship destroyers, we won't be able to experience the true love and intimacy that can come from a relationship where each SO is focused on the other person and not on themselves.

 

I think the real question here is, why is this question even being asked? I could be totally wrong, but to me this strikes me as searching for permission to watch porn. Like if enough people say it's not cheating, you can feel better about doing it. Idk, maybe I'm wrong, but that's the sense I got.

I don't really consider it cheating... to be honest, I DID consider it cheatubf before I struggled with porn myself. Totally. But now that I understand how it goes, first hand, I realize that it's not the same. If I considered it cheating, then there's no way I would be with my husband anymore. Probably wouldn't have even married him, because he had issues with porn back then, too. I wouldn't ever have married someone who cheated on me multiple times, so no, I can't say I see it as the same as cheating.

 

I've said it elsewhere but your partner determines what's bad and how bad it is. That's the nature of a relationship.

I can see how porn is as bad as cheating, if it comes with lying. It's all betrayal. The fact that you've had a personal connection with someone else is, for some, the worst thing about doing something with someone else. But there's also the lying. That's so hurtful, particularly in a long term, committed relationship. And porn is just as much of a lie. A sexy lie, sure. But a lie.