Worst case of HOCD ever... or something else?

Hello

I’m seeking help with deep issues around masturbation and erotic fixation. Be warned, I think I am rather a radical case here. First of all, some details: I am a 21 year old male, virgin, last girlfriend was when I was 14. Had maybe 5 total, none of them too serious. I was really knocked back by a girl I crushed on rejecting me. I started masturbating at around age 13, and until I was about 17 this was a normal amount (once or twice a week when I could get some privacy). After 17 I found access to a lot more privacy, and secluded myself more for various reasons unrelated to this. Masturbation went into overdrive. From then until now masturbation became a daily thing, ranging between zero when I was too busy, to three on a particularly lazy day, but the average is 1 or 2. Over time, I also edged out these sessions to the point where I can and often do masturbate for 2 hours straight.

From the very start, my masturbatory habits, fantasies and preferred pornography all centered on common themes, humiliation chief among them. I was fascinated by the loss of dignity. For about a year, I had a fixation with women as pets, and also had thoughts about femdom (BDSM play). At age 17, right when masturbation kicked into overdrive, I discovered furries. That is when things went extremely downhill. I became obsessed with gay furry porn drawings, and at 18 I began to masturbate to human gay fantasies, once again drawing on humiliation (puppy play and forced public sex). It seemed like I was always looking for the next most humiliating thing, and for some reason the idea of being gay completely pushed my shame buttons perfectly. Quick note: I was never interested in regular gay porn at all really, only gay stuff that related to my fetishes. I also got into anonymous chatting with gay men online, begging them to degrade me verbally, to tease me about being gay, to roleplay putting me in extremely gay scenarios.

Today, I struggle to get hard to straight porn or pics of naked girls, or I can get hard but cannot achieve that kind of ‘pulse’ which is necessary to reach climax. Sometimes it is possible, but most of the time when I’m trying it, I have to mix and match gay and straight thoughts. If I’m really horned up, a purely straight thought will push me over the edge, but it is far from good. With a gay thought, I can cum no problem.

Here is another major detail. I have never experienced any attraction to any men in my life. Not friends, not co-workers, nothing. I never meet a guy and find him attractive or imagine myself performing a sex act on him, despite having met both handsome and openly gay men. All of my masturbatory fantasies basically revolve around men that I imagine, and they are typically non-descript, in other words the men are not so much important as the fact that I’m doing gay stuff. Meanwhile, when it comes to girls, while I don’t generally find much natural emotional attraction, I have done in two separate but recent cases. One girl I constantly imagined what it would be like to be her boyfriend, but I missed the chance to ask her out. She was so perfect. Another was a more casual encounter a few weeks ago where the girl was very clearly interested in me, but I did not realize until afterwards, and agonized over the missed opportunity because she had been pretty. Would a gay man be so tortured over missing a chance with a girl? To be totally truthful, I have anxiety about whether or not I will be able to get hard for a girl during sex, so maybe that factors into it. Oh, another point: because I am so into humiliation, you’d think my fantasies would involve perhaps members of my family, or close friends watching… nope. That’s never entered into my mind, and I am kind of repulsed by the idea. It’s always just with nondescript ‘observers’. Not sure if this has significance.

So I need some help here. I’ve heard about NoFap and that some guys have used it to combat psychological changes they have caused through chronic masturbation. Does any of this sound self-inflicted due to my porn indulgence? Am I gay? Am I bi? Is it HOCD? Can I salvage anything? I’ve tried going to an alternating routine of gay indulgence one day, forced straight stuff the next, but don’t feel its working. I’ve also tried hypnosis files with little success. What the hell is going on with me and what can I do to fix it? NoFap, or some other method?

Thanks

 

I've been 'sober' for almost a week now. I got six days the other week but had a horrible relapse