On lying

Yeah... That's right after the Idk phase.
Word juggling.
They all become baby lawyers.
Thinking of synonyms like a damned thesaurus. I was... Uh
.. This other similar word that's not Quite your word. But it's what I meant

Bullshit

 

Although.... When my guy was lying he was relapsed.
It meant he relapsed

And had panicked.
Probably not what you were talking about huh

 

No, mine just flat out lied to my face. No semantics. Even when I caught him and had the proof right there in front of him, just blatant denial. It was infuriating.

 

Definitely! @slb used both: the outright lying AND semantics/very generous approach to word/phrase interpretation. It drove/drives me craaazy!
His most common "synonyms" for VERY OFTEN or SEVERAL TIMES PER WEEK were: "on occasion", "rarely", "sometimes", "once or twice per year", "a few times", "almost never", "I used to, but not anymore".
The descriptions of what he watched were (and, for the most part, still are): "the usual stuff", "normal porn", "men with women type", "nothing illegal"... So basically, ALMOST EVERYTHING, if you ask me, shy of beastiality and incest (but I'm not sure, because d-day was way too vague). And, to be perfectly honest, if one has escalated to transwomen, I would not call that "normal man/woman porn".

 

98 days in and I am definitely still in the process of parting the fog I lived in for so long. And really, it's been longer than that since the quitting process has been moving forward for over a decade now, stagnant at times but still inching forward for all that time as I looked less and at tamer stuff.

I don't know about other people, but it's in my nature to not want to recognize how flawed I am. I can honestly say that for most of my marriage I didn't consider looking at porn that big a deal. I had a whole list of reasons that, in the heat of the moment, justified it. Those justifications may have faded after the act, but they would come back real quick whenever I needed them.

My wife and I have never really talked about porn, there are many sensitive topics we have never really talked about or avoid. Communication is ever so complicated. I lied to her twice about it - first time - I made a promise I didn't keep about 8 years ago. When I got caught I told her I wouldn't make that promise again since I couldn't guarantee I would keep it - but that I would do my best. Second time was about 2 years ago - she asked me if I was still looking and I said no. I hadn't looked in a month or so at that time so I (kind of) honestly thought I was through.

If she had been more confrontational about it at any point in our marriage, especially early on - I surely would have spouted some combination of direct lies and twisted truths. I can say that for sure since I was lying to myself - and my view of my pornography habit was totally distorted and unreal. How can someone tell the complete truth when they can't even see it?

Not making excuses for lies by the way ... just calling it how I see it.

 

We just talked about lying in CC.
I learned that in the past he would think if one word was out of place, he could change his answer
Example -
You aren't looking up a** at work like (coworkers name) are you? I know he's a bad influence

His answer - no, I'm absolutely Not doing that.
*Lie.

He was looking up b**bs that day.

Next day when I asked him about both t*** & a** at work he answered no again and said he promised.... Why?
Because he had Med in the car on his way to work, Not at work.

This was two years ago.
Now after years of therapy he doesn't pick apart the sentences.
He KNOWS a lie is a lie is a lie.

 

2month mark, lying stopped
9 months is when we had total transparency
1 year 1mon we had open flowing communication


If that helps

 

My hub is over 1.5 years clean and continues to lie. He lies about things that don't matter, such as when I'm asking a question about a program on TV, or if he finished the hummus. (So I didn't keep looking for it in the fridge - no big deal.)

I can tell when he is lying b/c he quickly blurts out an answer which can't really be true (absolutes).

My hub continues to blame me for his behavior. I know it's a crock of sh!t. Whatever he has done or does is on HIM.

I'm having a really difficult time right now medically and he kicks me (emotionally/psychologically) when I am down.

Back to the original post - yes - I have experienced a great deal of "circular logic" and it's not just about his acting out. This is a classic aspect of the problem. Lying. It's like trying to nail jello to a tree. It's heart-breaking, really, as I feel that I am somehow not worthy of the truth. That's just my low self-esteem talking, though. I do know I'm worthy; I'm just not getting it b/c my husband has serious issues. It's draining, to be honest.

 

I am a lawyer and I literally had to engage in a specific and direct cross examination of my ex PMO addiction. Here's the thing if you think you should tell your partner but chose to hide it that's a lie. An addict trying to regain trust should just tell everything that way it's covered. It also shows total openness.

 

Here's an interesting article on secret vs. private, written by a sex-addiction therapist (CSAT) who works with many betrayed partners.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-tidwell-palmer-lcsw/is-it-secret-or-private_b_10449700.html

 

Ninety percent of what I know is because of discovery. Even after I knew the truth, I didn't let on for months. I wanted him to come to me, not for me to have to blow it wide open. I tried and tried to create safe opportunities for him to come to me and tell me, without even a hint of him knowing I knew anything. But they were just openings for him, I just tried to open the door a little. Anything - so he would come to me instead of me having to go to him. Yet it continued. Lie after lie after lie.

 

I should add the lying has stopped since he finally decided he wanted to stop and is rebooting.

 

Nothing I know is from @slb directly/voluntarily. Everything I either discovered myself or had to ask endless questions over the past 6 months. Last d-day was just some week ago, so I'm still not sure I know everything. And even the questions I ask are answered in such fashion, that it's more frustrating than revealing.

 

Lying is truly heart-breaking in sex addiction for the spouse/partner, b/c of the relationship. I don't want to minimize that. BUT. Addicts lie. ALL type of addicts. I'm trying to separate myself from my husband's lies b/c they are not about me, they are about him and his addiction.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2014/03/7-honest-reasons-why-addicts-lie/

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html

http://www.narconon.org/blog/drug-addiction/5-common-behavior-traits-addict/