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Just starting to deal with this...properly I think.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by thameside_11, Aug 10, 2017.

  1. thameside_11

    thameside_11 Fapstronaut

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    I have been addicted to online porn for 10 years now which has consumed my 30's. In that time though I have set up my own business which has just celebrated it's 10th birthday. I have got married and I have three amazing children. On the outside, to all of my friends, family, my life (I assume) looks pretty rosy. We have a lovely family home and live in a beautiful part of the countryside. What no one realises is the struggles I face daily. An addiction that I make time for - getting in early to the office or leaving late - and excuses for - I had a call to take so sorry I am late home. I have just "acted out" in the office now; I got in early so I could get a fix online before the day started and before my team started to arrive. However, at the moment, I feel a bit more in control of my addiction. In the last 18 months it has been horrendous; on business trips I have had massuers visit me in hotel rooms, I have visited massage places and last year I paid for an escort to visit me while away with work. At the moment I am acting out twice a week maybe - a little fix every now and again. The reason I feel I am starting to deal with this is because I have finally told someone - a counsellor. I have told her everything. The deepest darkest things I have done. I don't feel proud of what I have done but I want my addiction to end. In the last 10 years I have come close to losing my family and my business; I couldn't do much about the business nearly failing (that is a whole other story!) but if I lost my family it would have been all my fault and, frankly, I am not sure I would still be here. I want this to be a new me. I need to draw a line. The question I have, is how do you start? Where do you start? How do you deal with urges? What tips are there? Due to holidays I am not going to see my counsellor for nearly 6 weeks so it was her who pushed me to seek some support on here. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. ConstraintsTheory

    ConstraintsTheory Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! We all know what it's like to struggle with this and realize just how big of an influence it had on our lives. It won't be easy but you don't have to do this journey alone we got your back.

    Good luck and stay strong!

    With pain comes resilience which leads to triumph know well you cannot have one without the other.
     
  3. IAmSoberr

    IAmSoberr Fapstronaut

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    I am new too. We can do this!
     
  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

    The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
    IAmSoberr likes this.
  5. IAmSoberr

    IAmSoberr Fapstronaut

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    So far what I've been doing isn't working. I try to take myself out of situations that could end up in PMO but my strong urges always take over eventually. I've been trying to white knuckle and the farthest I just got was two weeks a day, which was the longest I've had in years. I always found out that pictures count too but that still confuses me because it's not naked photos or anything?
     
  6. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    As you know, you don't need to see naked photos to become triggered.

    Check out In Case You Didn't Know for strategies and tips which may help you along your journey.
     
    IAmSoberr likes this.
  7. thameside_11

    thameside_11 Fapstronaut

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    So I have just been back in the office after a two week holiday with my family. Whilst away I had no episodes - no urges, no acting out despite being on the beach/ by the pool where there was lots to look at...! The whole illness thing just didn't seem to be a problem. The day back in the office, I get in early and act out. And the next day. All the good the holiday did seemed to disappear immediately and I was back in my hole. Back in the same situation. I even start to wonder now whether I will never bet this and maybe I just have to find a way to cope and accept that it is going to be there...?? It is Wednesday today and I am 2 days clean at the moment but I am worried I am going to fold and give in.

    Can anyone give me some coping strategies that worked for them? How did you get past these dark moments?
     
  8. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Click the blue text in my earlier response. It is a link to many strategies and tips.
     
  9. thameside_11

    thameside_11 Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I have just had to reset my PMO tracker to zero. God I am feeling low. Last night I didn't sleep. I so want this to go away but am starting to think that I just need to accept it, find a way and stop letting it ruin me. I don't think I have felt so down. It is making me physical ill and unbelievably stressed.
     
  10. thameside_11

    thameside_11 Fapstronaut

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    I currently feel this is hopeless. I can't do it. I have been diagnosed by the Doctor as sufferring from "stress related illness" and I know why (and everyone on here that reads this know's why) but no one else. My usual form of stress is from work but work is going great at the moment (that has created another problem though more of which later on in the post) so I am getting asked constantly by my wife what is it...what is the cause? Well, the cause is this battle I am in 24-hours a day, trying to rid my mind, my brain, my being of thinking about porn and acting out. I wasted a whole bunch of time on Tuesday looking at porn and even naked massage services/ escorts which, at the time, eased the stress but my desire to not act out or book an appointment won through to the detriment of my mental well being. I am pleased nothing happened but the strain of this is really taking it's toll. So much so that the constant battle was too much today that i had to PMO. Afterwards I didn't feel the usual guilt immediately but relief. I had released the valve and the stress levels eased for a short period...until the guilt kicked in again. With work going well, despite the odd hour or two lost to PMO over the last week, I have found myself thinking that the cold turkey and "Stress Related Illness" wouldn't be there if I just accepted it, managed it and moved on.

    The problem is, I don't want that. I want this to go away. I want the headaches, the stomach aches, the worry, the constant worry, the fear, the aching, the general disinterest to go away...for GOOD!

    I don't know how this can happen without talking to my wife but I know if I do talk, and I do open up. She will leave me and I won't see my children.

    I therefore have to do this on my own and suffer this pain.

    Is there ANYONE who can relate to this? Anyone who is suffering like? Anyone that can offer some light? Some assistance? Some help? I really f*cking need it right now!!!!!!!
     

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