I'm new but not new.

This might be long...

I joined this site awhile back randomly one day, and forgot I created an account until yesterday. But I want to introduce myself.

My name is Tim and I'm a porn addict. (I think that is how you started these things, at least that was how it was in AA, when I use to go with my dad.)

I recently turned 31 and I've been watching porn since I was 12. I remember I was in 8th grade and at a friends house and he had a computer, well his family did, and he showed me what you could do with it. I even remember the name of the website that he went to. Sometimes I forget the name of the girl I first had sex with, but I remember the domain name of the porn site I first saw, that's how deep this goes.

Shortly after that I got my mom to get me a computer, and they were pretty expensive back in those days. She was clueless enough to let me have it all to myself in my room. It has been non stop since... I'll cut out the whole story and just start at about 5 years ago.

Five years ago was the peak of my addiction. I had a girlfriend of almost 5 years at that point and we were constantly fighting about sex. I was watching porn almost all day, edging almost all day, and most of the time I would rather have her leave so I could watch more porn. Plus I was not getting hard or staying hard during sex.

I came across a video one night when I was researching blood pressure, because I thought my erection was maybe blood pressure related. I forget what the video said, but I know that it changed my course. (It might of been an article about a ted talk video) I quit porn! It took a couple of days of thinking it over and researching, but I knew it was the problem.

A quick back story to my past and what I did on that first quit. I have been able to quit a lot of other addictions. I quit smoking weed after smoking it every day for a year. I quit drinking on a Sunday at 1 p.m. after drinking constantly for 3 years. I have quit crack, cocaine, ecstasy, steroids, pain pills, other pills, gambling, and on and on. I have a very addictive personality or my dopamine receptors are messed up. My dad was an alcoholic and actually died from drinking himself to death. He had Parkinsons and that is a derivative of not releasing dopamine. My family is also littered with alcoholics and other addictions. I get addicted to things very easily, video games, books, coconut water, dark chocolate, working out, and even healthy things. It sounds crazy as I type this, but they are all true.

So back to the quitting porn. I quit cold turkey and with strong will. The way I had done everything before hand. The first 30 days were very weird and me and my GF at the time were fighting and didn't have sex. She never knew about my porn watching, it was always a secret. I joined a site similar to this one back then and they had a 100 day challenge, I made it the 100 days with only sex with my GF. I felt really different. Then things started to really change for me. I was a different type of confident. I started to see the wound that was covered up by the bandage of porn. It was a lot of stored shit. During my second 100 days I realized that porn was kind of covering up sex addiction in a way. It was also a crutch to lean on for all aspects of my life, and especially my relationship with my GF. I've gone through lows of no job, no friends, no car, no phone, no basic shit. Well I started to get different. I got a job, phone, car, all that shit. Then the pain started.

I realized porn was covering a lot of pain. I'll skip a lot of that talk. I ended up breaking up with my GF of almost 5 1/2 years at that point and I did it by getting a new GF the same day. Which IS NOT A GOOD THING TO DO.

I entered a new period. I was in a new position at this new job, a new GF and I started relapsing. Then the new relationship was going south, the position was horrible. So I got a new GF and switched jobs, and switched GF's. Even broke my non alcohol streak a couple of times. I wasn't capable of handling my life without porn covering up what was underneath. In short. I spent the next several years sleeping with multiple women. Switching "careers" at least 5 times and basically just going in every direction. This lasted for two-three years.

Fast forward to about two years ago (I understand my timeline is getting jagged here). I broke up with a girl that I dated for 1 year on the day that was just horrible for me, but I stayed with her because her ass was the finest ass I'd ever seen. It sounds bad saying it, but I have to get some of this out. I went into another job, and then another job which I'm still at now.

So after that breakup I really started working on myself. I started during the relationship, but more so after it ended. I started reading over 130-160 books a year. I took my workouts to better places and have lost tons of weight. I've stayed on the same job for almost two years now. I've gone from a negative bank account to having more money that I thought I would have. Basically I have done a lot of good things, except... I still haven't been able to quit porn.

My average of the last couple years has been about 2 weeks. I can go two weeks and then I just can't seem to last. Recently I have gone 28 days, then 35, and then back to just 7 days.

I have tried a lot over the years, I know my motivation styles, attachment style, and various other tests/personality types. I know what works and what doesn't. I've tried to trick myself, I've changed my environments, I've stayed off dating sites. I broke my phone, yeah I've gotten extreme sometimes.

So instead of focusing on everything that I've tried, I'm going to focus on a few things that worked in the past.

A counter. Believe it or not, seeing the amount of days helps. My recent 28 day and 35 day periods I've had apps on my phone and ipad, and I would keep a manual track by writing on my bathroom mirror in marker.
Basic journaling. This helps to get stuff out of my head. I also write how I feel after and try to read that before I think about doing it again.
Having a healthy relationship. When I went for 200+ days when I first started to quit, I was with a long term GF and we were having regular sex. So that helped. It was still largely an unhealthy relationship, but we had good moments. Being in and out of relationships have been a killer. I have a super strong libido and it's tough to fight that and porn at the same time, really really tough.
Being on a public forum, or accountability. No one in my personal life knows about my porn addiction. and maybe it's not healthy for me, but I want to keep it that way. But in the past I was on a site like this and it helped.
Something to fill the "void". The longer periods I go, the better I do in other areas of my life, most importantly financial. I've never spent a dime on porn, how I don't know, but I haven't. It's more that I take that energy and just apply it to something more constructive.
"Monk Mode" style reboots. When I just go cold turkey and turn off the media and phones and all that garbage, I do very good. I meditate more and I'm calmer in general.

I'm doing this here because I need the accountability. I've been scared of having other people know all this because I wasn't ready to quit. I know that people in general won't quit an addiction until it really becomes bad enough. My dad was on his literal death bed and said he would stop drinking and just have some beers on the weekend, then he died the next day. It's become bad enough for me. I know the potential I have to do the things I want to do, and I want to have a healthy relationship with a woman.

With that long winded intro... I'm Tim and I'm a porn addict and I'm here for help. Thanks for having me.

 

Yep. Two days in. Joined a challenge. Feel good. Typically the first week is though and the weekends are tough. I hAve plans to remove my Internet on the weekends and I'm also looking into doing something on the weekends. No dating sites. And staying free of the dating scene for a while too.

 

Thanks

 

Thanks for the links, very good reads!

 

I do have new tab and I have the panic button and the forums bookmarked as favorites.

I've done some nlp work in the past with my main computer at my house I use for work and I think that in the last two years I've watched porn on it once. It's all a laptop in a different room. I need to find the nlp exercise I did and do it for the laptop. Also thought about taking the battery out and taking it to work on Friday and brining it home on monday. I tend to only watch porn (relapse) on the weekends.

I think that it's just mind over matter until momentum kicks in. I know that if I get to 200+ days I will start the feel pain of breaking my streak and that will help a lot.