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Testing my limits / becoming a better person

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by ichigo, Jul 28, 2014.

  1. ichigo

    ichigo Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone,
    It wasn't easy for me to join here, but I finally made the step. I'm a 35-year old guy from Germany who has been watching porn on a regular basis until a couple of days ago. I don't have a partner, I wouldn't call myself overly self-conscious or shy, though, I have friends and I can talk to girls casually, but I don't make a lot of new contacts on my own. I've had sex, but only with girls whom I paid for, a.k.a. escorts.
    My main goal is to get rid of my porn-addiction; then, on a second base, maybe make some meaningful connections on the way. Concerning porn, I finally recognized that I've fallen into that certain vicious circle that has also been treated on a popular Southpark-Episode: there comes a time, when oogling at Playboy-Centerfolds doesn't do it anymore for you, when you're in need of stronger and faster fixes. I've been watching some pretty extreme, perverted stuff lately, always felt a little disgusted with myself afterwards. Then I finally pulled the stops. "That's not me", I said to myself. I wanted to get back to the beginning, where a light, erotic fantasy alone could arouse me. I watched a couple of informative videos on the subject, like that popular "Your brain on porn"-discussion, then I finally stumbled across this site.
    Like others before me I will write a journal on my progression and will share my experience with you. I once (just for fun) made it 8 days long, then I fell back into the circle. Now I wanna go farther.

    Rules: No Masturbation, No Edging, No Porn-Watching, No Pay-Sex. One of my strongest hobbies is movies, so I won't refrain from watching the odd flick with adult content, never jerked off to those before. These are movies telling a story, after all.

    Day 1
    Made it through the day pretty casually, once or twice I was in a situation where under regular circumstances I would have put on an XXX-Clip in order to jerk off, but my motivation kept me going. Those moments passed as quickly as they came.

    Day 2
    Woke up with a huge boner. Then I made it through the day without problems. Around afternoon I took a quick nap, and right before I fell asleep, some pretty strong pornographic images were racing through my head. But they were fading within a couple of minutes. In the evening I went to a movie with friends (THE RAID 2), and I didn't have another sexual thought.

    Day 3 (yesterday)
    No incidents, no thoughts of relapsing. It actually feels kinda scary that it's still so easy. Then, on the other hand, I have lots of stuff to do, I'm gonna move to a new apartment by the end of the month, this keeps me occupied.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2014
  2. lilnavadaa

    lilnavadaa Fapstronaut

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    I'm proud of you for joining bro. You made the right choice. Get ready for a new life.
     
  3. HispanicMON

    HispanicMON Fapstronaut

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    Hey, just came from Ramstein.

    Yea, good luck. It's worth it. You will find what your looking for.

    Don't give yourself a hard time.
     
  4. ichigo

    ichigo Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your encouraging words and kind welcome. :)

    I only just read the forum rules and therefore edited my text above; I'm sorry for giving detailed info on my pornographic digressions in the first place, I didn't mean to offend or compromise anyone, I just wanted to be honest to you and myself. In future times I will be more modest in my descriptions.

    I also just set my personal goal. I put it to 40 days as an homage to a popular, thematically on-topic movie starring Josh Hartnett, :) and to give myself a worthy challenge. 40 kinda felt like a magic number for me. I still have some doubts if I'm really gonna make it, though, but just the fact that I'm leading a journal here among like-minded people should help me in my cause. I'm still going strong and I'm highly motivated.

    Cheers.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2014
  5. ichigo

    ichigo Fapstronaut

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    Day 4
    Woke up around 4:45 AM (my alarm clock goes off at 5 AM). I felt more rested, compared to previous days, took a quick shower and went to work. Everything fine, no distractions, felt really energetic. On the way home I stopped at the bakery and grabbed something for my sweet-tooth, when suddenly I caught myself on a fantasy, [NSFW]where I went down on the nice female employee who served me.[/NSFW] At home I surfed a little on NoFap.org, when I suddenly felt aroused without any reason or fantasy. But not for long.
    Later on, while shopping, I considered cutting down on Junk-Food and Take-Away-Crap, and instead eating more raw vegetables and fruit and stuff. Alas, it's not the first time I made this decision, but maybe this time I'm gonna be able to carry it through more consistently.
    In the evening, while watching a DVD, I twice caught myself on an unregulated action, where my hands started to slide down beneath my underpants. Nothing happened, though, I managed to concentrate on the movie all the way through, until the credits started rolling.
    And right now I'm going to bed without having a single hard-on all day long. Kinda strange. Maybe I've already started flatlining? When I think about it, the last couple of times I've been jerking off, it was out of simple boredom: load up a clip, jump to any intense close-up, then come as fast as possible. Then feel bad and lethargic. Rinse and repeat, often more than once a day. Well, too early to jump to conclusions, but now I'm 100% sure I made the right decision to come here.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2014
  6. ichigo

    ichigo Fapstronaut

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    Day 5
    Worked 24-hours on-call, these are always easy times to ignore fapping since the job keeps me occupied. Felt vigilant and energetic the whole day through. Not a single urge to masturbate yesterday, it's actually kinda scary, just once caught myself contemplating on porn-ey memories I shared with an escort-girl in the past. In the evening I watched a couple of TRUE BLOOD-Episodes on DVD, one sexy moment gave me a raging hard-on, I gues that's my subconscious desperately grasping for straws. But I didn't let it distract me for long and just let it pass. One thing I noticed about me, though, were slightly aggressive feelings towards co-workers; minor things - stuff that usually doesn't bother me for a second - kept nagging at me. I consider myself a calm, evenly-tempered guy, so I'd never vent my bad moods on other people, it's just what I was feeling.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2014
  7. greyballon

    greyballon Fapstronaut

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    Good to see you on the way!
     
  8. ichigo

    ichigo Fapstronaut

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    Day 6
    Woke up with a hard-on and a demanding urge to jack off. I'm honest about it, I kinda felt relieved about this incident - relief, because, you know, it still works. :)
    Now, how to fight it? I tried the approach I read somewhere on this site, that lying back with your eyes closed while calmly breathing would do the trick - well, unfortunately not for me. Instead the porn-fantasies started flowing. So here's my advice: Get up! Do Something! ANYTHING! And with this, I don't mean sitting down and playing videogames. Clean dishes, dust your furniture, do SOMETHING! Me, because still at work, I rushed into the bathroom and started brushing my teeth like a maniac. And it worked.
    The rest of the day passed (almost) without incident. Had lots of important stuff to do which kept me occupied. And there's another positive trend I'm already starting to notice: I'm getting stuff done! I don't make as much excuses anymore to myself, you know, postpone stuff, telling yourself: "this could also be done by tomorrow", etc. Instead I'm focusing on what can be done TODAY. And I did it.
    In the evening I suddenly had that crazy though, that I should reward myself after those 40 days by visiting an escort girl I know and met before. I even googled her website, but then I closed it right away. I don't consider this as a relapse, since her entry site doesn't contain pornographic or nude pictures at all. Then I started to contemplate: this is certainly something that will continue to haunt me. Getting off porn is one thing. The other is paying prostitutes for The Girlfriend Experience. I always treated them with respect, I never saw them just as a product, always as a fellow human. And I still know that it's not healthy, and I probably should quit doing that, for good. They already did cost me a lot of money. I'm not broke because of that, or anything, but when I think of the amounts of money I've thrown away on subpar experiences, it's making me sick. There were exceptions, of course. One particularly nice girl, I've already met before (the one I thought about visiting, as a reward). She was more highclass, [NSFW]we kissed (like a lot), I even made her come,[/NSFW] we were talking and laughing, and I didn't feel as bad afterwards (even if I couldn't get it up long enough to enter her - because of subconsious pressure and porn, I reckon). Yet I still believe, that your subconscious will ALWAYS know the truth: it's not exactly a boost for your ego, when you've had to pay girls to go to bed with you. Even if our personalities kinda "clicked". So, yeah, dealing with THAT is going to be a serious problem, once I've made it past those 40 days of self-inflicted abstinence. But I think about this, when the time comes. For now, I've got a mission.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2014
  9. ichigo

    ichigo Fapstronaut

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    Day 7
    Woke up from a dream where I was watching porn. Had a boner. The urge to touch my penis remained managable, though. Then took my first cold shower, like people suggested, felt great afterwards, and also rested.
    Felt really energetic at work, caught myself oogling at some pretty real-life women, though, otherwise no signs of physical arousal for the whole day. Could this be me flatlining, already? In the evening I felt an uncanny aggressiveness boiling up inside of me, even wrote some stupid things on another forum which I later regretted. Didn't get too much out of control, though. Now everything's hunky-dory again.
    If I make it another 24 hours, I've beaten my current (undocumented) record.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2014
  10. greyballon

    greyballon Fapstronaut

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    What is about your record?
     
  11. ichigo

    ichigo Fapstronaut

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    Day 8 - 10
    Still going strong. I have lots of things to do and organize (I'm moving into a new home by the end of the month), this keeps me occupied. For the time being the urge to masturbate or to look at porn seems to have completely vanished. There's still the odd boner every now and then (currently I'm reading Henry Miller, what do you expect, hehe), but nothing I couldn't handle; they are rare and usually don't last long. Overall I still feel like flatlining. Well, yesterday I thought about sex a lot, all my fantasies involved real people, though; persons I've actually met and/or know personally.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2014
  12. ichigo

    ichigo Fapstronaut

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    Just a small update:
    Still going strong on my hard-mode-challenge, it's become quite easy, actually. Apparently I've arrived at the flatline already, I don't even have erections during the day anymore. In the last two days at least my morning-boners have returned, but the urge to masturbate or look at porn hasn't surfaced yet. Sometimes I still fantasize, though, then I have to snap out of it. I think I'm gonna go 100 days of Cold Turkey.
    Haven't noticed any other changes, though. I still feel like the same me, no super-powers, no chick-magnet, no hitting on girls. I think I have more energy during the day, though, but this can also be the cause of drinking more water and eating more fruit in general.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2014
  13. greyballon

    greyballon Fapstronaut

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    Hey ichigo,
    Good to see you on the way! Right on!
     

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