Husband doesn't want to stop

Oh I can't imagine how this would feel. That has to be incredibly hard for you, knowing that he doesn't care how it makes you feel. I really don't know how you can get through to him if he isn't open to you. My only suggestion would be boundaries. Him have consequences for continuing doing this and hurting you. Does he not have any physical effects from the porn already like PIED, etc? I'm really sorry you are going through this. Such a difficult spot. Hugs to you!

 

What about the @novibe & @AnonymousAnnaXOXO videos?

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lets-talk-about-boundaries.109686/

Read this thread.
It's all about boundaries and consequences

Feel free to ask any questions about boundaries there, anyone can answer if you don't read your answers

 

And I tagged them so when they got on, they can link you the videos

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must feel awful knowing he doesn't care enough to even want to stop. Sorry to be blunt here, but that's abuse. If your partner knows you are hurting because of his actions, and he just doesn't *want* to stop - that's like saying "I don't want to stop hurting you".
Do you think he would be willing to watch some videos or read articles on the topic? Not only on the topic of his addiction, but also on the topic of betrayal trauma, which you are experiencing (hence your pain).

 

Well he might, I guess, but can you live like it is now? I couldn't. For consequences, it would depend on what was important to him. Like you can't say, if you look at porn, I won't be intimate with you anymore, if that isn't happening or he doesn't care about it. Some could be not being intimate, sleeping in another room, him moving you, you separating, etc. It would be unique to your situation and would depend on how much if effects you to begin with.

 

Generally yes.
How do you know he's thinking of you while he's masterbasting?
Those memories and images never go away.
Some of us (SOs) don't have a problem with porn or masterbasting... But either or or... They are dangerous to the relationship.
And lead to the other and its a cycle of toxic behavior.

 

I never minded M either until I found out to him that he didn't feel like he could stop the porn/sex mindset without stopping M. It changes something in your brain. He would think about sex all the time before, like it constantly filled his thoughts, and now it doesn't. If you are thinking about sex all the time, I think porn comes with that. For him, he had to stop masturbating to get to that point of sex not being on his mind almost constantly.

 

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/understand-betrayal-trauma.128063/

Watch these two videos and show him. If the second video doesn't make your husband squirm or upset in any way that's a bad sign. My husband at least showed a sign of pain once he realized the damage.

Also boundaries I set in the beginning once I had the big dday
1. Get into therapy (consequence if he didn't was I was leaving the relationship)
2. 100% honesty (or I leave)
3. access to devices and history daily (or I will sleep in another bed/on the couch)

He agreed to all those boundaries and got his ass in gear. He didn't want to lose me and took the immediate actions needed for me to stay.

Boundaries are useless without consequence. For me, I needed to know that he was going to take recovery seriously. I said, "I can live with a recovering addict, but I will not live with an active addict." That was very straightforward and clear. So he knows that if he isn't in recovery I am not here. If boundaries are set and consequences are followed through with, the addict takes you seriously. If you don't follow through with consequences they will walk all over you.

You deserve happiness and respect, and he is not respecting you right now. If you stated it hurts you, he has an obligation to not hurt you and change his behavior if he cares.

 

He may not even realize he has a problem. It sounds like he is addicted if he refuses to stop even though you've told him it's hurting you. A book that was helpful to me in identifying and understanding my own porn habit is this:

https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Addiction-101-Basic-Healing/dp/0757318436

Read it and get him to read it. It explains how Porn Addiction(which is a sex addiction) works without all the paychobabble. Easy, quick read.

You can also try writing him a simple letter matter-of-tacitly explaining why his porn use is hurtful.

 

Check out my journal too. Some links are the same as in the betrayal thread. You might have to browse some 11 pages to find them --> https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/novibes-journal.110221/

 

Read "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson. It addresses this exact question of yours.

 

Agreed.