Trying to start NoFap again!

Hi Spikey,

I was comatose for over eight hours from those sleeping tablets. I took them at 1.00 and woke up at 9.30. They are a bad thing, and I've got to stop taking them. They do have one useful effect: they stop me waking up with a boner hahaaaa. Honestly, they do !

I've just re-read your messages from yesterday, and I noticed that I didn't answer your question, "Why do you think you're a bore ?", and I didn't comment on some of the things you said about the self. I will do later.

I've got to go out now. One of the things I have to do is visit my lawyer (yaaaaaaaaaaawn) - nothing criminal, just something to do with a relative's will. It involves a cunt of a lawyer trying to screw me out of an inheritance an uncle left me three years ago. I'll tell you about it later.

 

I'm glad you enjoy our messaging, because your messages have given me a lot of pleasure. I've never mentioned my amph-wank-mania to anyone else before, and it's great to be able to discuss it with you. I don't need to go to heaven, because I've been there already.

What you said about society, other people, and authority is something I've often thought about. Yes, I agree with you, the ego is only a part of us. As you say, the self is more than ego. Ego doesn't explain why you're Spikey Cloud, with your unique being, and I'm Steve with mine. Ego is too fucking concrete and earthbound ! It's just the armour we wear to cope with other EGOS. Where was your ego when you were completely absorbed in those perfect pearly eyes you told me about ?

I'll tell you about the legal thing and being such a fucking bore in my next post, mate. In the meantime, please message me, if only to tell me you're still alive.

 

And I know how much you love cuddles, Spikey.

 

I told you porn had fucked me up. That pathetic and embarassing message I sent you last night is a symptom of my loneliness and desire to be closer to people. I had this urge to say something sweet to you, so I did, and you were kind enough not to go apeshit over it. Thanks.
As I've told you, I'm not queer, just isolated and sex-starved.

 

No, that must have been my sleeping tablets. They're hypnotics, and if I take too much I don't know what I"m doing. I must have been fapping without knowing it. Sorry Spike, mate. I really do hope I haven't pissed you off.

 

I think those sleepers must blow my ego away. I wonder which part of me that insane message came from ?

 

I think they are benzos. They're VERY nice. Too nice for my own good really. I get them legally from my doctor, but she doesn't know I abuse them, as I certainly do, and have been doing for about six months. You've probably realised by now that I'm pretty messed up - not mad, but messed up. Thank God I'm not addicted to booze too ! That would be the fucking limit !! These are my current addictions:

Wanking
Pornography
Sleeping Tablets
Cigarettes
Electronic Gadgets

The reason why I think I'm a bore to other people is because I have so little in common with most of them I meet, and struggle to find things to talk about. After about five minutes in my company, most people are anxious to be on there way. On the rare occasions when I meet people who share my interests, I get very excited and rather clingy. A lot of conversations these days revolve around the television, and the crap that it pumps out. I don't have a television because I don't want to be bombarded with bullshit every day of my life. Also, I don't give a shit about the news, politicians, "celebrities", sport, the royal family etc. Who knows, perhaps I'm a sociopath ! hahahaaaa

How are you feeling on your 15th day ?Any progress with the shaft sensitivity ?
Also, are you eating enough ?

Steve ..

 

Hi Spikey ....

You must get hold of this book, because it's about a subject that I know you're deeply interested in.

THE FALL: The Insanity of the Ego in Human History and the Dawning of a New Age by Steve Taylor

For all I know, you may have read it already, but if you haven't I think you'll love it. This is what Eckhart Tolle says about it: "An important and fascinating book about the origin, history, and impending demise of the ego, highly readable and enlightening."

I read it about a year ago, and was astonished by it. I can't go into the details of it now, because I'd be here all night, but I can tell you that Eckhart Tolle's telling the truth when he says it's highly readable.

Steve ..

 

Although, as I said, I usually ignore the news, I am, like you, interested in the North Korean story. The combination of Kim and Trump is, I think, potentially deadly - two egomaniacs on a collision course.

I don't know much about psychology, but I DO think that the self exists apart from the ego. The ego is domineering and cruel. The self, which I think Freud called the superego (don't assume that I've got that right) is the part of our pyche to do with moral choices, sense of worth, shame and so on. Having said this, I can't help but wonder whether the 'self' you're talking about, Spikey, is something far, far deeper and mysterious than Freud's theory suggests.

 

I don't know if this will interest you, because you're not a porn addict. You mentioned that your libido is still low. Well, I used to experience that a lot when I gave up the amph, but I was so addicted to PMO that I used to force myself into horniness just to get another hit. That's how addictive PMO is ! In one way, it's not primarily about libido. It's a behavioural problem, like compulsive gambling or flashing your dick at strangers. There's a hit available, and the brain just goes for it, even if it's not a first class hit.

 

Yes, and when you find the substance that makes you REALLY horny, the paradox is that you're SO horny that the only way to relieve it is with yourself, unless, of course, she's on it too, but then you fuck yourselves into such painful cock/pussy soreness that you can't fuck any more, but still feel horny afterwards The problem with amph is that it creates so much lust that there's no orgasm that can quell it, except for a couple of minutes. But even so, and as you say, it's SO pleasurable, so addictive that the painful days that follow it are not enough of a deterrent to stop you going back to it. This is why I had such an ENORMOUS battle on my hands when I decided to stop it. I think I'm over it now, but I can't be sure.

Don't beat yourself to a pulp for desiring younger women ! I've met very few men who don't ! You have NOTHING to feel ashamed of !