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No positive changes

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Sunshinestar88, Sep 19, 2017.

  1. Sunshinestar88

    Sunshinestar88 Fapstronaut

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    My husband did a 3 month reboot from PMO. He said nothing changed. He didn't want sex anymore than normal. Our intimacy level stayed the same which are very low. It didn't help his energy levels. Nothing positive came from abstaining.

    I feel like the lack of sex and lack of intimacy was caused by PMO. But, maybe I am wrong.
    I want to fix this issue in my marriage.
    I'm so confused by everything because all of the successful nofap threads are about positive changes and feeling better about themselves.
    I'm just so confused and so lost about where to go.
    He has agreed to stop again and I'm getting my hopes up on seeing changes.
    Am I expecting too much?

    Did any of you not experience positive sexual changes with your partner?
     
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    If you Only quit porn and nothing else, nothing changes.
    Rock Star learned this and relapsed very early.
    That's when the Lists happened.
    When the custom Reboot happened and all the science happened.
    It has to be a Roar inside.
    Does your SO really want to quit?
    Or was he dry drunk?
     
  3. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I agree that abstaining isn't enough. PMO actually needs to be replaced with healthy behaviors, what we would call "outer circle" behaviors in SAA. Read a good book, go for a walk, exercise, meditate, engage in a hobby, etc. Anything to start getting the brain back to work on releasing dopamine in 'the everyday pleasures' of life, as opposed to relying on the euphoria of PMO.
     
  4. I think it's also good to consider the fact that 3 months isn't always going to be the sweet spot for rebooters. A lot of this depends on the individual and isn't as cut and dry as 90 days all clear. Also I think it would be wrong to put all of his low libido on pmo. While pmo can be a contributing factor, that doesn't mean it's the only factor. Diet, exercise, low testosterone, alcohol, drugs, depression, stress, and a whole host of other things could be playing a role along with pmo.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2017
    Chris Darga, anewhope and Kenzi like this.
  5. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    As I read the OP, your husband quit for 3 months, saw that nothing much had changed and then went back to PMO. Why did he (a man with apparently low libido) return to PMO? It seems that if he returned to PMO, then he never really made the mental commitment to quit. So either he cheated during the 3 months in any case, OR, even if he kept his hands off his penis, he never addressed the thought patterns that are just as much a part of the addiction and prevent proper rebooting.

    I think you need to understand why he returned to PMO. Does he consider himself an addict or does he think of it as harmless entertainment he can indulge in which will not impact the rest of his life? If it is the latter, there is a danger that he (consciously or sub-consciously) will use this reboot to prove he doesn't have a problem by once again showing that it makes no difference.

    I suggest that you ask him to truly commit to quitting PMO for good and that means no M for him and no O for him other than with you. If he resists that idea, then dig into why.

    I also suggest that you try to introduce more intimacy where O (at least for him) is not the goal. Try to introduce more touching, cuddles, hugs, naked cuddles with plenty of skin to skin contact. Ask him to be completely open and honest with you about what he is feeling and what, if anything ,triggers urges in him. Look into Karezza and see if that appeals. You could also try making love where you take the lead and guide him to help you, and only you, achieve O, followed by a long naked cuddle. That should reveal whether he truly does have a low libido! You may also want to look into the 5 love languages to see if having different ways of expressing your love is at the root of the intimacy issue.

    Good luck - I hope that something in the above ramble helps.

    ANH
     
  6. Chris Darga

    Chris Darga Fapstronaut

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    Great post. Really solid material. I Google'd karezza and found this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/...uples-strengthen-relationships_n_1663566.html

    Looks interesting. Certainly worth trying.
     
    anewhope likes this.
  7. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    As others have already noted it sounds like your hubby was not mentally into the PMO. And as the old saying goes the first step towards a cure is to acknowledge you have a problem. It sounds like he may have gone along with it to please you - but maybe cheated along the way.

    The difficulty with trying to change the behavior of others is again covered by an old saying - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

    He first has to understand how destructive PMO is to him and ultimately his family before embarking on the cure.

    I found the website www.yourbrainonporn.com to be interesting and it persuaded me that PMO cannot be any part of a healthy life.
     
    GG2002 and Kenzi like this.
  8. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

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    Hello and hopefully you can find some inspiration/answers for your relationship through this site and forum :)

    I quoted for your first 2 sentences because I feel that was all that needed to be said. IMO it would be impossible for someone to not see any benefits after abstaining for 90 days. People at 7 days will tell you about the spikes in energy, confidence and charisma. By 90 days, not only would your SO have seen at least ONE change, they would have gone through some really low moments as well, which would have been apparent to both of you.

    I'm sorry to say it but I just don't think that he is being honest with you as far as his commitment to the process.

    Now it is true that people achieve varying levels of results from No PMO, and that for people who didn't have a P, M, or O problem in the first place, NoFap won't necessarily change the person they are. However, even just the spike in extra energy/drive would be universal for a period of time.

    I agree with ANewHope on this one. Sounds like you need to try and have an open conversation with your SO about everything.

    and Smile; You Can Do It!
     
  9. And what sacrifice and effords did YOU bring to the table? You both are a pair right? So I assume while he was sufferring for 3 months, you was going to a gym 4 times a week, bought new clothes, new underwear, was to the stylist to help you with a makeup and colour of your hair, etc etc etc... or you just WAIT????

    Because I can tell you a secret... if he met a new nice and clean woman after those 3 months, he would have exploded in her on a daily basis. So please, make some efforts as well and dont torture your man
     
  10. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    For once, words fail me. I'm sure that the OP will be grateful for your deep insight into loving relationships @Epic Fight and that your constructive advice will be invaluable to her.
    :emoji_face_palm:
    ANH
     
  11. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    Don't pussy foot around - just come out and say what you really think!

    Smh.
     
  12. well, you can pussyfoot around I dont. Dont be butthurt about it, dont you see its a totally valid concern? If she is just waiting for "things to happen" and than is disapointed by the results, what Ive said is 100% legit. We not here to rub honey to each others mouth.
     
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    PMO addiction has nothing to do with the SO. So implying that it’s her that some other new woman will cure his PMO and restart his desire shows a lack of understanding of what the addiction is really about and shifts blame. How do you know the writer is not clean? And for some men a new partner will temporarily jump start a sex drive, but eventually that partner is no longer new, then what do you just keep finding a new partner. My ex was a PMO addict from day 1 so our sex was not old. I’m in great shape and I work hard on my looks and body, I initiated and was open to anything in bed. Most SO have initiated sex many times and have been turned down because of PMO so you can see how they may not want to initiate and finding out your man lied to you is normally not a very good aphrodisiac. What wouid you expect her to do? He needs to change his mind. The thought process of blaming the SO and/or believing that you need a new person is perpetuating an addicts thinking. Quitting PMO and recovering is about intimacy, learning how not to see women as sex objects, and accepting full blame. I think the original writers partner may have stopped PMO but he has not changed his mindset.
     
  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I would want to know what he sees as no change. I think he’s a dry drunk so he’s angry he had to stop but has. Even if there are benefits he’s unwilling to see them. He wants a reason to go back to PMO so saying it does not work builds his case. If this is so he won’t heal and he will go back.
     
  15. Bunch of cookiecutters around - woman must try to llok atractive to her man in marriage give me a break
     
  16. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

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    It's not a valid concern. It is tone deaf.

    1) Where there is a PMO problem NoFap should provide benefits for the man independent of anything else. That it didn't in her husband's particular case is the sole point of this thread

    2) You appear to be blaming the wife for her husband's PMO problem based on nothing

    3) Telling a wife her husband "would have exploded in [a nice new woman] on a daily basis" is wrong on so many levels I wouldn't even know where to start

    I don't know what it is you're trying to rub on our mouths but it sure ain't honey...
     
  17. Fucking whiteknights betas why dont you let her speak...
     
  18. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Why do you assume that the writer does not try to look attractive to her man? Why is it that you automatically assume this must be the problem? She must be the problem, not the man? You have no clue. And men n red to try to look attractive to their woman just the same. You frequently have men who have gained a ton of weight, lost their hair, with a huge pot belly, complaining that their wives have let themselves go, come again?
     
  19. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @GG2002! So true!

    Honestly, I believe, that given society puts so much pressure for women to look good women often put a ton of effort into their looks! (I used to get up at 5 AM before going to high school to do my hair, makeup, choose just the right outfit, etc. when my school didn't start until 8 AM...)

    Still, I am 33 weeks pregnant and taking care of myself in all ways. My husband and many other men do not take care of themselves physically or hygienically as much as women. Women have this pressure to shave every part of themselves and keep themselves "clean" at all times, yet some men (at least the ones I've known) are not so aware of taking care of themselves with shaving (whether facially or down lower), brushing their hair, keeping themselves looking nice (as in wearing proper clothes for an event rather than casual clothes to an event). My point is, it seems in society, men get away a lot more with not caring about their looks than women, so men don't try and women are constantly trying.

    Addiction has nothing to do with a partner. Especially given that most addicts here have been addicts for year and years PRIOR to meeting their current SO. My husband had been addicted for 10-12 years before meeting me, and has said his addiction had nothing to do with me from the very beginning when I found the first picture.

    Addiction is about the addict needing to escape pain, get some sort of validation, etc. It's not a reflection of their partner, it's a reflection of themselves. Also, with porn addiction, some addicts- not all- start to lose attraction to their partner because of their addiction. They might originally have found their partner attractive but after being brainwashed by fake photoshopped unrealistic images, they have a new standard that they compare real women to. How is it fair for one to compare something real and beautiful to something so fake and honestly sometimes not really attractive (at least in my opinion and my husbands).

    So truly, is there really a responsibility on the wife only to keep themselves looking good? Ideally, both partners should care about their looks for health reasons, not for superficial reasons. Women and men are equal and women are people not sexual objects with "requirements" to look good for their husband. Can't they just want to look good for themselves?
     
  20. Is this thread full of triggered women? thats the only sane explanation. I hope its the reason. I pray to God you are not men.
     

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