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Starved of Intimacy

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Wolves of Wisdom, Sep 18, 2017.

  1. I've been feeling "furious and depressed" lately as well! I think I'm slowly, slowly on the way back to a better mood though. And maybe I'll get a decent night's sleep soon.
     
    WesternWolf likes this.
  2. BFE

    BFE Fapstronaut

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    I will chime in here after reading everything thus far.

    One thing I will say right away - do you know telling someone "Suicide is not the answer" and the likes actually can have the opposite effect of what you are saying.

    I'll translate - you are working out a Math problem 2+2 = and you ask others for help to understand the equation and they say things like 5 is not the answer or there are many other people who struggle with 2+2 and do you know some people just give up on Math altogether only to have a last minute change of heart before they dropped the subject.

    In all those responses the answer of 4 is never given - it is not helpful and is often you projecting your own circumstances and ideals onto the person rather than showing empathy trying to understand them - even if your heart is in the right place, your mind is not.

    Even those of you who have/had depression you can't understand the OP - that alone is the understanding - that you 'don't' understand OP no matter how similar you feel circumstances are - all you can offer are tools of assistance and methods that MAY work and MAY not - this isn't the time or place to judge and tell what is and is not the answer unless you know with 100% certainty what that is ... OP isn't a Math problem.

    Myself? PTSD, Severe Depression, Functional Neurological Disorder - overcome/managed by Boxing, Adjusted Nutrition, Therapy (specific to PTSD), Going outside more to boost Vitamin D (which is usually low in those with cases of Depression), Chamomile tea and herbs and removal of sugar towards night time (sugar cravings are often another sign of lacking nutrients in other departments, body craving for quick energy rather than the dopamine response associated with the satiety of fulfilment) and of course NoFap eventually fixed my outlook of PMO which I recovered from extremely quickly but only due to the amount of help and stuff I was doing before I come here.

    To OP all I can suggest is first of all - don't feel bad or negative for having Suicidal thoughts - it's VERY normal - acting and thinking two different things - don't repress them, acknowledge them because they will be linked to a reason.
    I want to commit suicide - because....[Acknowledge this follow on thought]
    if you repress it without an answer to the suicidal thoughts they can end up being repressed to the point of it sitting in your subconscious mind where it can eat away at you and you wouldn't even know.
    You can see in your original post you are able to give a reason why you feel as you do - that's great in it's own way - you're aware.

    May I suggest 3 tools that MAY help you get a better handle on things.
    1) See a nutritionist or if you feel confident check yourself for any nutritional deficiencies you may be experiencing at the moment http://www.mydailyintake.net/daily-intake-levels (this is only an AVERAGE guide - but is an easier starting point - website itself has some other good information too)

    2) Hydration - a lot of brain disorders and those related to the brain can be linked to varying levels of dehydration - a guide is if your urine is around the same or similar colour to water - you are hydrated. Try to drink fluids throughout the day until you achieve this - but don't overdo it (forcing past your inner capacity).
    http://www.everydayhealth.com/colum...nditions-that-feel-like-depression-but-arent/ (point 4)

    3) Exercise - even if it is at home, a little bit of exercise can go a long way to boosting hormones which may assist you in being more confident and also help with your NoFap journey.

    Again these are all suggestions and not saying they are the answer - and it is your life to live - but many exist out there to help - regardless what your eventual choice is.

    From what I see, you are here seeking help - I believe you stepped away from the bridge railings already - walk strong :)

    “Suicide is not a selfish act. It’s not for attention. It’s for relief. As sad as that sounds, it is. Someone who commits suicide, who goes> all in> for an act that takes it all away, is looking for a way to feel better.”

    Before you consider the all-in approach however, there are many more options to try, give them a go before you feel you have run out of solutions, ways and methods as there is no re-reroll after you do which I am sure you are aware or you wouldn't have posted.
     
    Clerk373 and Wolves of Wisdom like this.
  3. Dayanew

    Dayanew Fapstronaut

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    I have been with my SO for 8 years. Any activities besides necessary errands, we always do together. We attend all functions together. We never fight. Everyone that sees us and knows us thinks we are the perfect couple because of our lack of fighting, bickering, passive aggresiveness, etc. When we are out in public, we are almost always holding hands. People always say the wish they had our relationship and say how lucky we are. Everything looks perfect and wonderful from the outside. From the inside though, it's so lonely and isolating that I often wonder if I'm actually already dead and someone screwed up and forgot to tell me. Or if I were to die, would anyone even know or realize before a pet ate half my body? We hold hands whenever we go out anywhere in public because A) its a habit B)I have horrible social anxiety and squeezing his hand is the only thing that keeps me from full blown panic attacks and from anyone knowing that Im freaking out and C) including the rare occasions we have a babysitter for anything even errands, we maybe go out into public together twice a year. So that's perhaps 2x a year that we hold hands. We have had sex 9 times since September 2015 when I started counting. 5 of those times were since this March when he confessed his addiction and used me as his stand in hand when he first quit PMO. Everday I cry atleast once because I feel so alone. Multiple times a week I fantasize about driving my car into a wall, off a bridge, whatever just to end my misery. The only thing that stops me is my kids because their father died 2 years ago and they would be left to my horrible parents probably if I wasnt around. After taking my kids to school, I spend my days watching cartoons so that I dont have to deal with or see happy couples, women that he would've M'ed to, or basically anything that will make me think. After picking up my kids, I go about my evening hours doing Mom shit with everyone being oblivious of my internal turmoil. I try to engage my SO in conversations or initiate interaction whether physical, emotional, etc and am usually just looked at until I give up and walk away. He never has anything to say about his day, anything to share, anything at all....for me atleast. Yet, everyday you will see me picking up and dropping off my kids at school with a smile on my face and chatting with school staff, making inane small talk with people in stores, or holding his hand with a smile on our faces as we walk through a company party. Inside I'm dying. Inside I'm begging a gunman to open fire and save me from this nightmare. Inside I'm screaming and crying, begging for my SO to notice me, to see me and wrap his arms around me. To run a finger lovingly along my jaw while he looks in my eyes and tells me he loves me. To have even the smallest desire to touch my flesh so that I know I'm really here. Even babies die without physical contact and yet my heart somehow still pumps away in my chest. The loneliness is so crushing and all encompassing that I cant even wrap my mind fully around it. I wish I was single so that I atleast had a reason for the loneliness. Feeling like this in a relationship is so stupid yet I don't break up with him cuz he's the only real dad my youngest has ever known and she would be devastated without him. I obviously understand the horrible feeling of craving a physical connection so badly that you wanna die sometimes. Don't fool yourself into thinking though that the happy couples you see are any better off than you and feeling worse about yourself because of them. Majority of them are in the same boat or worse than you but paint a face on when theyre out to make a pretty picture for others. Be relieved that you feel so alone and craving touch because you are alone and not because the person you're with just doesn't want you.
     
  4. I'm sorry you share similar thoughts, I'd like to sacrifice myself for someone, exiting the world with one final good deed. I'm sorry the father of your children died, you sound like an incredibly strong mother to your children, this is something I envy in people. You have your family to fight for, I hope things can be resolved with your SO in the future. I can never be relieved to be alone though, Tis better to have loved and lost than to have ever loved at all. In a strange way I would rather look forward to having my heart broken than remained confined forever. The longer I remain by myself the less I feel human. I hope to reach the days on your counter someday.
     
  5. Thank you for the tools, I have been trying eat more vegetables and drink green tea following by a gallon of water every day. I do not exercise often but when I do it's mainly just weight. PMO was my naturally scapegoat so I was telling myself I was just sad. I love that quote too, I've never read any other like it. Thank you again.
     
  6. Slothman

    Slothman Fapstronaut

    Oh wolf all of this is so sad yet undoubtedly it's the reality we face everyday.
    I used to suffer from major depression, i can relate to you in so many ways and to think i could be the same person as before it sends shivers through my whole body.

    I threw away my virginity with a random girl in a party, i've kissed random girls, i've hold many people in my arms yet i've never found or felt love from someone different than my close family (and the later is another business altogether).
    At my 16 years old i used to be so nihilistic, often i used to think that anyone who dies at the end doesn't matter and the world wouldn't even notice... So toxic... At 18 i went to uni contemplating suicide for the first time, my life was a total mess, bad grades at uni, no SO, toxic home, sister that hated me and lastly I hated myself so much...
    At my 19th birthday i went to the street and stood waiting for everything to end... The car missed and i felt so incredibly unlucky, depression kicked again and i felt devastated... How i can be denied of everything? Even death??? how Unfair, unlucky, so much hate to myself that even at that i'd fail.
    I lived with my grandma and she did everything in her power to make me feel miserable and so did my little sister.
    At 20 a life full of failures i was at the verge, i felt so useless that i couldn't even try suicide since i knew i would suck at that too. I got sick with dengue fever. I thought it would be a good thing, and with my family taking "care" of me i'd probably die and finally accomplish something.
    To my surprise my grandma took care of me --to a certain extent-- and my mom came from another state just to take me with her. That moment i realised that Suicide wasn't a solution, i'd just spread all my sadness to my close ones, i thought that suicide would eliminate all of that pain i was holding but to be truthful it would spread and affect others.

    I gave up on uni and came to live with my parents again. Fast forward to 22 years old me, 4 months ago i learnt that happiness is a feeling we get when we WANT, happiness is not the result of a successful life, nor the result of a girlfriend, or constant sex with people. Happiness is the result of being content with what you truly are as a person. I know you're a good dude and i know if you look hard enough you can find people who truly appreciate you by WHO you are, first it will prove difficult, that's a fact but don't stop looking.

    Something i also did that removed a dozen of shackles from my toes is: Apologize.
    I apologized to my grandmother for being so rebellious, for not listening to her, for every undoing of my part, i apologized to my little sister for being such a pain in the ass to her, for treating her bad, for holding grudges. I apologized for things i even didn't had guilt for and guess what i got from them? they apologized as well and it felt so good, so liberating. Forgive and you will be forgiven brother.

    I started Smiling more, even when i was alone i smiled to myself because myself is the only person i can make happy with a smile, i started going to the gym, eating proper food, doing easy stuff that is easy to do but not too many are willing to do. Cleaning my room, going outside just to greet people on the street with a smile (Uncomfortable -yes- but it made me happy) and now i'm the happiest i've ever been.
    And im still single, i'm still in uni, i'm still struggling with PMO, i still have the same sister and grandmother, What changed???? I changed, for myself.

    We need to taste sadness to truly appreciate happiness, because someone who doesn't know sad neither does true honest happy.

    I can suggest you some self help books that helped me in a GREAT DEAL, like A LOT
    1. Slight Edge. This book will help you with EVERYTHING it's almost like a life hack at this point!
    2. The happiness advantage. This one is good and gives great advices in how to be more happy overall.
    To conclude my friend, if we want to be happy we need to be certain, and ACT upon it. Happy is a smile, happy is doing something you like, happy is you greeting someone new, happy is you hugging someone just to give some love, happy is you giving without expecting to receive, happy is you as soon as you want to.

    I want you to get out of that shitty state, i want you to be the better version of yourself, i want you to be a fucking LADIES MAN, but you need to want it too, you need to have that burning desire to be happy and you need to start acting and stop expecting.

    Good luck brother, the fight ain't easy but it's worth it!
     
    WesternWolf, mcgrim and Sequoia like this.
  7. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    Well said! :emoji_thumbsup:
     
  8. Don't know what to say man. Yeah I know that feel oh too well. A few pub friends I see a couple of times a week at most in my small rural village community. Never had gf. Haven't even fapped in 6 months. Gee I know how Chester Bennington must've felt.
    Sometimes I can save up days wages and blow it on the taxi back from some grotty nightclub in the nearest shitty city just to talk to some college bimbo and her less appealing mates. Tinder just makes we want to watch porn. Must've approached 100s of girls in parks and train stations in my travels, most actually engage me to some degree until the conversation awkwardly fizzles out after a few minutes. Out of the couple dozen phone numbers I've gotten, about 5 have replied and none of the 3 I managed to arrange a date have attended the date. Just feel old. Out of my depth, doing fairly Ok career wise I know where I want to go, but just seem to have not been able to experience certain social queues everyone else seems to have a intuitive affinity for. I fear even saying I'd only want to feel the warmth of a woman's touch for a few seconds a week without being slammed for being such a beta sperglord fuck. I seem to be giving less and less shits, like to the point where some of the shits that are actually worth giving in life and crumbling. What do we expect to happen? What steps can we take utilise our free will towards our desires? This just feels like a test, or sometimes a sick joke. The Truman show of a sadist. Limbo?

    Im sure you've hear it before, but I can say this, stop comparing yourself to others. Your on your path and there on there's. They've had a completely separate set of life experiences to you which are all out of either of your controls. Be comfortable in your own shoes. You do you. If what you feel a lack of is truly from within do something about it, otherwise just let it go.

    Rick and Morty has been outstanding this season, I almost gave s03e07 a standing ovation. It picked up on a number of poignant societal themes and the various storylines interwoven masterfully. Fucking love that show.
     
    WesternWolf likes this.
  9. So, you're thinking suicide because you didn't have any romantic contact... Right. Oh God... Other people think suicide because they have a severe desease that can't be treated, or because they live in a third world country and experiencing famine. (Just giving some examples). You're fine dude. Stop being a crybaby and start improving yourself. You're 31 days pornless and fappless, and that's very good!
     
  10. Dayanew

    Dayanew Fapstronaut

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    Shaming someone for their feelings is the exact type of thing that would further exacerbate depressive feelings and could be just another catalyst to suicidal ideology and actions. He was reaching out and looking to others for support and fellowship. He wasn't looking for belittlement and dismissive remarks. It would have been far more helpful if you had returned to your post after you posted it and edited all of it except the last sentence. I'm sure he can easily find plenty of things to make him feel badly about himself. He didn't need your assistance in that area. He asked if anyone else felt the same isolating feelings as him. If you didn't or don't have any helpful suggestions, move along to another thread that you can be of use on. But don't try to diminish another's pain just because you don't understand or relate to it.

    I know the misery I resign myself to by being in this relationship. It's awful and it sucks but it's a sacrifice I make for my children. My youngest has a neurodevelopmental disability. She has the intellect and vocabulary of a tenured professor, the maturity of a toddler, the emotional stability of a pregnant schizophrenic, and it's all wrapped up in the hormonal body of a pre-teen girl. She has never had a bff or even a friend period, never been invited to a party, sleepover, anything. She doesn't derive joy from many things in life. The one thing/person that always brings happiness to her life is my SO. As an outcast himself as a kid, he understands her. They have a bond stronger than most biological fathers and daughters could even dream of. They share the same interests and he has endless patience with/for her. I know her happiness is worth a billion times more than mine and I would suffer anything if it could bring joy to my children's lives. I've done the single parent thing before and it's too much for one person to raise multiple kids, work and actually be able to give their children the time and attention they need, deserve, and without being exhausted, stressed or resentful. Even if things never get better with my SO, I can tough out a few more years for my youngest's sake until she is grown enough to not need him here 24/7 or emotionally stable enough that I feel it's safe to split up. I did have a talk with him though and laid out exactly what I need from him and gave examples and demonstrations even instead of assuming and hoping he knows when I need a hug vs when I need a pep talk, etc. I'm not gonna get my hopes up like I did when he confessed his addiction to me 6 months ago and I thought that his quitting pmo would be the magic cure for our relationship. I can't allow myself to fall any further into despair due to his inability to share himself with me emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. But I'm gonna try to be cautiously optimistic about our future while simultaneously work harder toward brightening my own, with or without him.
     
    WesternWolf likes this.
  11. Dude this is one of many posts on this site, none of us can be instantly diagnosed by a single one. We're here for help. Not for back handed compliments...or massive leaps in comparisons of depression. Remind me again how your battle is going? Let me paraphrase similar to you and say "Get over it and be a better person."
     
  12. Yeah I've been considering Tinder recently the longer I abstain. Those thoughts of giving into porn are still lingering in my mind. I do not understand social queues or body language, I always focus on the words too much. One things that really bugs me about some people, they tell you they like honesty yet they have a knee jerk reaction when they actually hear it. Yes, it definitely does feel like a test. Somedays I think yes I'll do my best and other days I just want to give everyone the finger. Thanks for the input, as funny as it might sound Rick and Morty has kind of been a crutch for me for a while. At least I can be goofy and imaginative and think about what I'd be doing in a different reality.
     
  13. Let me tell you something man. If your age is indeed 24, then we're in the same one. I was in your situation some months ago thinking about suicide also, so I can understand what you're saying in your original post. I'm not here to caress your butt and say "there, there kiddo, you'll be fine". You won't be fine if you sit there thinking about killing yourself. Suicide will not solve anything, that's the truth even if you don't want to believe it.

    You say you can't find a girlfriend. Ok, find the reasons why, and begin solving them. Are you fat? Get thinner. Do you think your body looks ugly? Start working out (and I don't mean going to the gym exclusively). Are you shy? The internet is filled with ways to be more social, so find them.

    We're only 24! We're young. Don't stop your life 'cause you can't find a chick to fuck her!
     
  14. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    Whenever I feel depression I turn it into anger.
    Alex Jones style anger. I punch a few walls and feel better.:D
     
    WesternWolf likes this.
  15. BFE

    BFE Fapstronaut

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    How is this

    NikolaiFapstronautModerator Assistant

    A mod???
    Someone who clearly has zero understanding about the notion that depression is related to the person and not an all fits one size.

    It is comments like these that are just painfully annoying to see - people who have similar things happen to them and think it somehow qualifies them to represent the masses.

    You need to go edit your posts - more so because you have a mod title and it is embarrassing to see such flagrant misuse of advice and assistance.

    Please go Mod another thread - was a positive thread until you showed up with your "contribution" which has had nothing except belittlement within for someone who is clearly fighting the good fight or he wouldn't have a username here at NoFap trying.

    Just because you are similar to his age doesn't mean you understand what he is going through - family support, life experience, social, racial, environmental aspects all have a varying difference on how something affects someone.

    Dear lord, OP, do not take their words to heart - doesn't speak for me - tell you that much.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
    Dayanew and WesternWolf like this.
  16. Thank you, I realize my problems won't magically be solved here but I like venting to people to ease my mind. How are your battles going?
     
  17. We are not in the same boat because of the same age. No one person can truly understand another person's thoughts of suicide, we can empathize but understanding is quite far off in the distance. Yes, I don't want to be coddled with fake assurances but reoccurring statements of saying suicide will not solve anything provoke anger within me. I've heard it countless times before. I exercise frequently through the week but I continue to be tentative when talking to ANYONE. I've made more friends and acquaintances because of the internet but meeting them in real life is a whole other ballpark for discussion.
     
  18. kordin

    kordin Fapstronaut

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    Never stay for the Kids
     
    BFE likes this.
  19. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    You need to find and love yourself first before trying to have a relationship with other person.

    Before entering into any emotional relationship with someone you must reinforce your self-esteem: to be able to trust yourself, to love yourself, to value all your virtues, to feel complete.. Unless people are able to reach that fullness of being and unconditional self-love, their relationships will suffer from unstability

    Solitude and isolation are being underrated on our western society. Only in isolation and solitude you can think about what you really want from the life, the world and yourself. You can reinvent yourself into a more powerful being and most of all, a more "true to yourself" being. Remember that butterflies remain isolated before their transformation into beautiful winged beings. Think of this isolation stage as a gift from heaven.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
    BFE likes this.
  20. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

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    PD: the text below belongs to an article that doesnt belong to me...

    "Unconditional love essentially means loving someone or something without any conditions. In other words, no matter what another person says, does, feels, thinks or believes in, we still love them unconditionally. Unconditional love can also be applied to other beings such as animals and even emotions and thoughts. But perhaps most importantly, unconditional love can be applied directly to ourselves in the form of self-love.

    The more we are able to love ourselves unconditionally, the more we are equipped to love others in the same way. This principle echoes the famous words of Jesus, “Love your neighbor as yourself” and other enlightened masters such as Lao Tzu who said, “When you accept yourself, the whole world accepts you.”

    Your wholeness does not depend on finding another person. Your happiness and sense of completion doesn’t rely on the presence of a “perfect other.” Stop and think how insanely stressful the thought that “someone out there” holds the key to your completion is. Isn’t it a terribly depressing thought? This single belief creates so much anxiety, stress, and despair within us. Isn’t it sad that so many of us believe happiness can be found by chasing an ideal?

    Once you come to see through this terribly misleading belief, you are left with two options: finding wholeness within yourself or continuing to chase it outside of yourself.

    It can take years, sometimes decades or even lifetimes to discover one of the most simple truths of all: you are already whole.

    Most of us have heard quotes and speeches from mystics, spiritual teachers, and enlightened folk talk about this. Yet most of us don’t truly take it to heart. True happiness and wholeness originates from within you"

     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
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