Went to my first SAA meeting last night (sex addicts anonymous)

I have been trying this for the past two months, and definitely making a lot of progress, especially with abstaining from O. But I have found that the compulsion to "peek" at P and sometimes just quick M while avoiding O is so strong, and I have been desperately trying to figure out strategies to stop, because I know this eventually leads to full on relapse. I found information about an SAA meeting online, that ended up being very close to where I live, and I went to my first meeting last night.

It felt very encouraging and humbling and sad and uplifting all at the same time. Encouraging to realize that there are so many other people going through this exact same thing, of all ages and types (there was a good amount of people at the meeting).

Humbling because I became aware of all my prejudices and judgements going on, expecting to walk into a room full of Charlie Sheens and sleezy, sketchy weirdos...and instead I found a wonderful group of kind, vulnerable, normal guys. I realized that I AM the addict that I have been judging so much, that guy is me, I'm sitting in the meeting introducing myself...

Sad because the weight of my addiction crashed down on me while I was sitting there. I realized how long this has been affecting me (since high school), thought about how much time, how many hours and hours and hours have been so wasted just jerking off in front of a computer, all that time that could have been spent with others, or writing, or reading, or literally ANYTHING that could have made me happier, smarter, more successful. I realized how in denial I have been, that somehow, even though I knew I have been wanting to stop since high school, telling myself I would, and then failing....somehow I never saw that as a serious addiction. I somehow believed that addicts were people whose problems were way way worse than mine.

And finally it was uplifting, because this group guides you through a 12 step process, and gives you a "sponsor" who is someone you can call anytime, to help you through each step. This is more accountability, this is more community, this is more people that I can actually talk to who understand this thing and can really help.

I will be back next Sunday.