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Dealing with urges using "Four Steps" approach and playing Brain Games.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by User047, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. User047

    User047 Fapstronaut

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    I have successfully dealt with a massive urge to masturbate, it might be helpful for you to read it. Writing it is definitely very helpful to me.
    If you have read my guide and liked it, this comment is a must read.

    Day 29 - Went to bed too late and woke up to early. None of this was my fault, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is I did not get enough sleep. I've slept in total for less than 6 hours. Normally I need a 7-8 hours of sleep in order to function properly.
    Lack of sleep has always been my biggest trigger for relapse, mainly because I do not like how I feel and I want to change something. Ideal scenario is going back to bed and sleeping some more. But, it's not like I always have the opportunity to go back to sleep, but when I have, if I am struggling with falling asleep one quick fap solves the problem.
    Of course, that wasn't the option today. I did not even cross my mind.
    Started the day like I always do, got out of bed, did some exercises and started meditating. Due to back pain when sitting on a chair or on a floor, I am forced to meditate lying on my back. It's fine, I got used to it. But, this particular posture is very relaxing and if i start fantasizing about sex or masturbation, erection follows...
    And I did it this morning. Lack of sleep slow down my thinking, awareness and my reasoning skills. Meditation suffer, and my mind wanders more than usual. It started with a thought about my neighbor (like I wrote yesterday, this is the "First Wave" and I could not do anything about it). REMEMBER: WE DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER WHICH THOUGHTS ENTER OUR CONSCIOUSNESS.
    But we are responsible for what happens next!
    If we fed that though it will become a real monster and the more attention we give to that though by fantasizing or trying to rationalize whether we should or should not relapse the more problems we create for ourselves.
    So... by focusing our attention on the initial though we are creating more and more problems. That is just what I did!
    I have started fantasizing and feeding that though. What followed was an erection. This is the "Second Wave", as you can see I am entirely responsible for this. Feeding the initial though will always lead to the Second wave and it will make this much worse!
    Once I realized what I have started doing, I have tried practicing Four Steps during my meditation at it worked to some extent. But the thing is, when I am meditating I do not have a "good" Refocus activity at hand. I have tried counting backwards from 100 to 1 in increments of 3 (100,97,94,91....) and it has worked for a moment but that I had some more thoughts about how "great" it would be to masturbate: "If I masturbate right now, it won't really be a relapse. One masturbation after 29 Days is not so bad, I can continue this challenge and make two separate counters, one for masturbation and the other for porn".
    Then, I have remembered this thread and the comments I wrote against masturbation and I had some more thoughts:
    "No, there is no way for me to limit masturbation to only once a month. If I masturbate right now, I will throw away all the progress..."
    And I did what had to be done. Ended my meditation earlier, normally I meditate 35 minutes per sit, but I ended it 3 minutes earlier. Once I got up, erection was gone in a matter of seconds. Next, I did my favorite Refocus activity and played a couple of brain games (10 minutes total) and I was fine. Completed my morning routine by reading for 45 minutes.


    Those kind urges are the hardest for me to deal with. When the brain keeps telling me "how good it is to masturbate", it is impossible to fight it and try finding reasons for why I shouldn't masturbate. The only thing I can do during that time is practice the Four Steps and one of the Refocus activities. Because this battle in this state of mind cannot be won. Our addictive brain is full of tricks and it wants it's fix so badly.
    We can prepare in advance by writing the reason "Why we shouldn't relapse" and by writing possible Refocus activity's that we can do during this "brain attack".
    Of course, it is all pointless unless we are willing to do what we said we are going to do. And that part is hard.

    Remember: What you think and feel doesn't matter, what matters is how you ACT!
    So, here is a quick summary of how I have applied Four Steps this morning.
    Step 1: Relabel - Though about masturbation and relapsing, Rationalizing, Fantasizing
    Step 2: Reframe - This is not me! This is my addictive brain speaking!
    Wise Advocate (Buddha): You do not want to masturbate and masturbation is not so good like your brain is trying to tell you. It might be appealing at this moment, but that is only because your true self is burred under all those thoughts and feelings that your addictive brain is producing. Do what you are preaching and try one of the Refocus Activity's
    Step 3: Refocus - Counting backwards from 100 do 1 in increments of 3 (100,97,94,91...) this worked a bit. I was able to stop this endless stream of thoughts at least for a moment and gain some perspective.
    I still had the erection, thoughts, and wanting to masturbate but it wasn't as powerful as it was only 2 minutes ago.
    Once I got up and rid myself of erection I have started Playing Brain Games - and this worked great like always. In less than 10 minutes all the thoughts and urges about masturbation were gone and I was ready to go on with my day.


    NOTE: One of the things you can do at step 2 is ask yourself: "Am I using one of the common thinking errors right now?"
    Here are the common thinking errors which we use in our lives:
    -All-or-Nothing Thinking
    -Catastrophizing
    -Discounting the Positive
    -Emotional Reasoning
    -Mind Reading
    -“Should” Statements
    -Faulty Comparisons
    -False Expectations
    I won't go into details because that is too much work. If you want to learn more about them read "You are not your brain".

    Of all those thinking errors, the most important one. One in which we all engage when we are having strong urges is "Emotional Reasoning". In short, making decision based solely on how we feel: "If I am feeling like this, something must be wrong and I have to masturbate."


    A quote from the book "You are not your brain".
    "The key is to notice whenever you are about to do something based solely on how you feel, rather than what’s in your best interest. If you find that you are dealing with a deceptive brain message and are about to act in an unhelpful way, immediately Relabel and Reframe those experiences and then Refocus on a healthy, constructive behavior."
     
    Baldur and Deleted Account like this.
  2. User047

    User047 Fapstronaut

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    After that struggle in the morning, I had one more very powerful urge. Dealt with in the same way like I did with the first one. It wasn't easy, but there was no other way.

    Having very few urges from the beginning of this journey and flatline were good, if Day Count is the only thing I cared about. But they have actually made me weaker because I did not have enough opportunitys to practice with strong urges.
    I have forgotten how difficult this journey can be from time to time.

    Like I wrote earlier, lack of sleep always triggers me to do stuff I do not want to do!
    As some of you already know I am limiting my internet time to 2 hours per day. 2x 1 hours season (but most of the time I spend even less time online). However, as my brain wanted it's fix, it did everything in its power to convince me to relapse.
    I have stopped gaming at the same time I have started this streak (I am a gaming addict so this is big for me too). 2 weeks ago I have also stopped randomly browsing the internet and the only website I am using is this one.
    There is no novelty and no excess dopamine released. My brain is desperate to get it's fix. But...I am not giving up.
    Practiced Four Step even with urges to "relapse" on my limited internet time.

    My brain wanted it's fix and it tried to convince me it's fine to break my internet rule for today. Here are some of the thoughts:
    "Well, I can break my internet rule and to something productive. Find a new book to read, or something else. It's ok, it won't hurt my progress.

    To be perfectly honest, I was on a verge of breaking that rule for today. But, just a second before reacting to those thoughts I have decided to try with the Four Steps...

    Step 1: Thinking about breaking my internet rule, wanting to spend more time online
    Step 2: This is the result of the bad brain wiring. My brain want's it fix desperately. This is not not me, it's just the brain!
    Wise Advocate: It won't be the first time you break your internet rule promising to yourself that you will do something productive and good. But you never did that! If you actually break your rule you will spend most of the time on NoFap forum. That is pretty much the only reason you want to break your rule. You want to see if there are any notifications. Doing that will give you a quick fix. That's what you addictive brain is seeking right now so desperately. You have already deprived it of games, porn, and masturbation. Don't make this mistake again, please try playing some Brain Games and see how it goes.
    I did just that. And it has worked extremely well once again!
    This is my favorite game, it requires my focus and attention. One game last's for 3 minutes. And I only need to play 2-3 games until my addictive brain calms down and see it's not going to get it's fix.

    Here is the game:

     
    ozengineer and Deleted Account like this.
  3. ozengineer

    ozengineer Fapstronaut

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    Such great posts about the 4 steps method. I had read this book years ago as a means to cure my PMO probs and noticed i was becoming more mindful of my actions but I could not stay clean from PMO for more than a month . I joined nofap 20 days ago and cant believe I stayed clean in the sense that I not only abstained from PMO but also abstained from entertaining any sexual thoughts or any recollecting any past porn scenes. I now believe actively participating in nofap might be a big factor but i also simplified the 4 steps for myself by simply applying the label 'edging' to those thoughts and urges and immediately applying the 4 steps to handle this. so its
    Step 1 - Relabel - i am edging
    Step 2 - Refreame - my deceptive brain message are playine and wanting me to edge. If i edge then i am giving energy to that old brain wire that wants me to entertain sexual thoughts or watch porn
    Step 3 - Refocus - i recall my profile pic in nofap to remind myself that I am in hard mode or monk mode. I start breathing deep, play brain games like elevate, peak, fitbrain on my smartphone
    Step 4 - Revalue - put yourself in a higher self. I have wife and kid to look after. I am actively applying for new jobs after 7 years in the same old poor paying job (all due to PMO). I cannot afford to give any weight to the tendency to edge and must redirect my attention immediately to activities that are healthy.

    I noticed I had been applying steps 1 and 2 more consistently to deal with 'edging' urges and skipping steps 3 and 4 but after 20 days I am now beginning to feel that these urges are getting stronger and the 4 steps approach is not working as well as it should. Looking forward to hearing your comments if this is happening with you and what you did to ensure steps 3 and 4 stick as they seem to be harder than steps 1,2.
     
  4. Dragonnlife

    Dragonnlife Fapstronaut

    Super helpful, thankyou so much!!!
     
    Baldur likes this.
  5. Baldur

    Baldur Fapstronaut

    Thank you very much!
    /Baldur
     
  6. baZo

    baZo Fapstronaut

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    Hello!

    I'm a new member, I found this thread through a search engine, and found the steps useful. All ready had some success.
    I signed up to say thanks for starting the thread. And the points about getting active in the community seemed good also. I usually just lurk in forums, but been planning to get involved more on various topics I'm interested in. This great thread seems to be my first step.

    Thank you
     
    Deleted Account and Baldur like this.
  7. Baldur

    Baldur Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the community!
    But remember, offline friends and experiences are plenty valuable! (So...try to have a RL also) :D

    Cheers!
    /Baldur
     
  8. baZo

    baZo Fapstronaut

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    Yes got some nice IRL friends as well with some shared activities, but not so much with shared interests of mine.
    Thank you have a great day
     
    Baldur likes this.
  9. Baldur

    Baldur Fapstronaut

    Fair enough. Sometimes one finds friends in forums. RL friends with the same interests can be found at activities that you like.
    Let's say you love playing volleyball, go to a training/a beach place for volleyball and meet people that love it as well.

    Have a great day as well!
     
  10. Diderik

    Diderik Fapstronaut
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    "I have tried meditation but it doesn't work!" Then you either have not given it enough of a chance or have not done it in a way that works for you. It absolutely does work. It works for me and countless others. If you do not want to do it, that does not mean others should not.
     
  11. Diderik

    Diderik Fapstronaut
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    Excuse me while I go meditate, because every time I do, the urges are prevented for that whole day.
     
  12. the_Raged_Barbarian

    the_Raged_Barbarian Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man!Very useful.Reading your article stopped my thought of relapsing...I'll definitely use the 4 steps,and will tell you about that after using it!:)
     
    DudeAlex likes this.
  13. Nam Nguyễn

    Nam Nguyễn New Fapstronaut

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    Wow, what a great post. I wish i could read your post earlier.
    Right now, i'm on my 15 days streak. Also, plan to practice your 4-steps method
    How are you at the moment, btw
     

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