Newcomer

Hello there!

So first, let me tell a little bit about myself: I am a 20 year old guy from up north. Not to reveal anything else about who I am, but I'm going to write a little bit about my problem.

Today is 23rd of August 2014 and my first exposure to pornography was about 10 years ago. And just recently I've noticed that it has a serious grip on my life and one of the reasons I joined NoFap, is that perhaps I can find new motivation here from others alike. Because, well, I'm not alone with this problem.

I've tried to give up masturbation and pornography before I found about NoFap. And my best "score" is about 3 months two years ago. What got myself to get back into fappin? Well, it took only one little glimpse of some fitness model on facebook wall that someone posted and a thought that maybe I'll just "peek" a little. Eventually, you know where that led me...

And now, it amazes me to this very day that this small, tiny look is so fatal. Brutal. Now, every time I see a picture of what-ever-model in tight skirt or another headline about Kim Kardashian holiday vacation pictures in bikinis, my mind tells me: "just a quick look". And EVERY TIME, I say this again: EVERY TIME when I choose to agree to peek a little, I find myself finishing myself off to some nasty porn. And let me be clear, if I choose to peek, it is over for me, because once I start, I cannot stop. I just can't. I have to get to the end. This happens every time.

After I've jacked myself off, I get depressed. Sometimes more sometimes less. Either way, it really has an impact on my life. I've suffered quite bad social anxiety on my early teens. Afraid to talk to anybody and I blush very easily. Hated presentations in front of class etc. And it's not just a little red cheeks. I glow like a fiery sun. My whole face is red like a bag of tomatoes. I wouldn't wish same condition to anybody.

Now that I've found this community and read about people who has been without porn and masturbation many many months or even years, it gives me more hope, to pursue to that purity from pornography and clear my head. Maybe here I can get to see my progress, keep notes everyday and get couragement from others.

I really need to get rid of this thing. To get better quality life. Be able look women into the eyes and respect them as a human beings. Not have to worry about dirty thoughts in my mind, but to have CONTROL over them. And boy, these dirty thoughts and images that have burned in my mind over the years. They make my stomach turn. Because it has happened over little children. Yes, and it got me frightened, because I know that is not me. I don't know has anybody else experienced the same thing. Porn gets your brain to melt...

Now I am able to hold myself from porn and masturbation about a week and I feel very different: I have more energy, I like other people more, makes me more social and the urge to share my life with someone(talking about girlfriend). I can feel it burn in my chest at times when I think about it. To love someone and to be loved. But once weekend starts and I have little bit extra time and "nothing" else to do, I switch to porn. And maybe that bit of loneliness has something to do with it. I'm not sure.

But, anyway wish me patience and thank you for the support in advance!

 

Day 1 is behind me now. It was easy and I really didn't have any urges to watch P or M. But, there is a long road ahead and this is just a start.

 

Thank you Student25. 2nd day without PMO and still very easy at this point. Today I actually went to the gym again after a long break and it felt good. I'm going to have a good night sleep and get ready for next week and strive for abstaining PMO!

 

o-oh... I kinda saw this one coming. Just few minutes ago I PMO'ed. I had 7 days off from them and now again, when the weekend arrived: I stumbled... sigh*