Retiring toward vanilla sex

No - very bad idea. Quit PMO for good. You have invested time rewiring your brain to get off porn, don't undo the good work now. Edging is particularly bad and would quickly get you back to square one.

Are you in a relationship now? Were you always attracted to feet and dominant/alpha women/girls even before you were exposed to porn?

ANH

 

Just forget about what is between your legs for a while. Focus exclusively on your partner. Putting a woman first should come naturally to you given your femdom leanings. Enjoy getting to know every inch of her body and all the things you can do to bring her pleasure with your mouth and hands. Have sessions where you take your O off the table completely and only she gets to O. If you have also quit M completely, that should get your libido working again.

 

I had a tights/yoga pants fetish and as I got focused on PMO it degenerated into transgendered person then gay stuff to the point I thought I might be gay- I did three 90+ day reboots, had some slips but after a year on this site I finally have vanilla fantasies and desires- and I did something similar to this - I don't have a GF but my fantasies/day dreaming I started to think about a woman in real life I was attracted to (and am pursuing) in this way and it's helped enormously.

 

Hi @newm32017

I can speak with some authority on this as I had been a PA for years and Femdom has always been the major fetish for me, along with related things such as foot fetishism and cuckold. Before I decided to quit, I was spending hours a day on this stuff and most of it involved edging which really screws up the brain. I was also starting to get PIED and hence letting my wife down.

So 101 days ago, I was where you are now. I quit PMO completely and have not relapsed even once. The critical decision for me was that not only was I going to quit porn, but also masturbation. I decided that I was only going to O with my wife. I have stuck to that decision and it has made all the difference. The PIED has gone and my wife and are having the best sex we have had for years. I also feel much more focussed on her outside the bedroom and I feel better all round - a better man, a better lover, a better husband.

So what about fetish v vanilla? For me, Femdom is pretty hard-wired into my psyche and I was aroused by assertive girls way before I was exposed to porn - I can trace it back to before puberty, when I was 10 years old or maybe even younger. So I accept that this is just who I am, and that Femdom is likely always to be a turn on for me. Porn certainly reinforced it and made it an unhealthy pre-occupation, but it didn't create it. For me, not having porn in my life has increased my desire for my wife. PIED started getting better in a month or so and now appears to have gone completely. It really helped me to follow the advice I gave you - focus on your partner for a while, find out all the things she enjoys most that don't involve PIV. If you know each other well enough, then you can explain why you are doing it, or if you don't, then you can turn it into a game - no O's for you until November, or until she's had 10 or whatever. Personally, I love giving oral. If she is into receiving it, tell her you'd like her to teach you exactly how she likes it so you can make it as good as possible for her. Once you have been PMO free for a month, and haven't had an O for a week I would be amazed if going down on her does not restore a healthy erection.

Just one other piece of advice. Set up the tracker that people have in the footer of their messages. That simple number, clicking up day by day is a surprisingly good motivator.

The very best of luck to you. I am sure you will succeed just as I have done.
ANH

 

I suggest entirely giving up M. When you M to your fetish fantasies, you might as well be viewing fetish P as you are reinforcing what you're trying to re-wire away from.

It sounds like your foot fetish may be natural and the other stuff (BDSM, etc.) are conditioned fetishes that developed through P abuse. With a hard reboot you will likely see the conditioned stuff fade, but you might want to consider that if your foot fetish is indeed natural, it will likely always be a part of you. I have a few fetishes and/or kinks myself (feet, tights, macrophilia). Long into my reboot, I am still trying to figure out what's natural and what likely developed out of 20 years of P use.

About 60 days into my reboot, I started getting flashes of vanilla fantasy with real people. My hunch (and hope) is that by distancing myself from my fetish material, I am developing other sexual interests that are more conducive to mutual pleasure with a partner. I have accepted that some of my natural fetishes will always be a reliable turn on for me, but with a hard reboot and distance from fetish P, I will hopefully be able to set them aside and enjoy mutual vanilla pleasure with my partner.

I can also relate to the challenge you have related to triggers. They're everywhere for us, as it's almost impossible to walk down the street and not see a woman with nice feet. I wish I had a good strategy to avoid these triggers, but I don't. You should definitely stay away from edging with these fantasies and think about something else until urges subside. Take up some new hobbies or enhance old ones. Replace some of your P habits with constructive ones. I think deep into your reboot you will have an easier time getting aroused at the vanilla stuff.

 

Ha! @anewhope hit a lot of key points I was trying to address, while I was typing. I agree with him 100%

 

I can really relate to your post... I'm in pretty much the same situation. I'm not sure if this is the same for you though, but my wife also got heavily into BDSM with me. She even started to watch P with me. We'd start sessions by watching videos of real strong BDSM and then act out. Since my last PMO though we have not viewed anything (I haven't felt the need to tell her about my PA - and she hasn't questioned about watching P together). We've also had probably the best vanilla sex ever together (in my mind anyway!).

The other night though I did start to spank her - but had to stop anyway as the kids were asleep in their rooms next to ours. So, I wanted to ask you... did you have BDSM sex with your wife when you were PMOing? And if so , are you continuing to bring this in to your relationship now too? I don't feel this would be a trigger for me... as when we did have BDSM sessions I was really focussing on pleasing her anyway, and not being taken away in to fantasies of the P.

 

My wife has never been into Femdom or other forms of BDSM, so this has never been part of our lovemaking, either during my addiction or since I quit. To me, I don't think it matters what you do together as long as you are both into it and fully consenting. If it brings you both pleasure and is a way of expressing your love and desire for each other then go for it and just enjoy the fact you have great sexual compatability. But, don't watch the porn, even with your wife as it would be too easy to slip back into solo viewing. It sounds like the two of you are not short of ideas anyway and turn each other on, so you don't need the porn in any way!

Have fun.

ANH