Every Relapse Lets Me Grow and I am Standing So Fucking Tall Right Now

I have been doing well. EVERACCOUNTABLE is really great, I don't know why I took three years to set it up. I started this journey February 20th THREE YEARS AGO. It's about time I get this shit right lol.

But things have been going well. I've also started this new thing where every time I actually consider the idea of watching porn, I slap myself really hard. I was intrigued by Pavlok (the thing that sends electric shocks every time I do a bad habit) but I figure slapping myself is $170 cheaper.

Also interesting thought: I have no idea what my streak is right now. I don't know if I've been off porn for 3 months or 1 month. Somewhere in between there, I think. It's interesting. I feel this is a real commitment to a lifelong change. I like it.

 

That's not a concern. ;-)

 

Went on a date two weeks ago. Really solid, nice conversation. She texted back afterwards!

Second date a few days ago and it was really nice. We just kept talking, and we felt really comfortable. We walked around the city, saw some really great views, and I kept telling her how I wanted to savor this moment, how it's beautiful and I'm enjoying myself with someone really cool. At the end of the date, I had that great vibe, when you're telling a great story or a funny joke. It feels nice to feel entertaining. We hugged, and I went for a kiss, she kissed back. It was a nice day. I'll likely be seeing her again this weekend.

 

A few days ago the same girl came over and we made a meal together and spent the whole night together. We had sex in the morning. There was a moment of uncomfortable tension that I don't really want to get into, but I'm still processing it. I'm looking forward to seeing her next weekend

 

I saw her two days ago. We're officially a couple. We had fantastic sex. Great connection. Great conversation. When I left yesterday, I wasn't sad, but elated. A few hours later, I was already missing her. It feels great to want someone badly, and for her to feel the same way. I can't wait to see her this weekend.

 

So far so good! I'm in a solid place. Almost done with my first year teaching. I've been having an amazing time with this new girl. There is a possibility she will move because of job relocation, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. We agreed to figure out where we are and what we want to do once she knows about her job.

The sex is outstanding. My time with her is so fantastic. Real connection. Real bond.

Something that was missing from my last relationship (nearly entirely a "me" problem) is that we were not entirely open about how we felt about each other. We were honest and in a great relationship, but we didn't keep each other posted about how we were feeling about each other. And it accumulated instead of being dealt with. I've learned a lot from that. Anyway, something great about this girl I am with now is that she is very upfront about how she feels about me (positive and negative). And I am starting to become upfront as well. For instance, she told me some things I said and did that looked like red flags to her, and she shared it with me. And it hurts a bit, but it's so much better just knowing. Then she asked if there were any red flags about her. And I shared the only thing that I noticed, the only one thing that I did not like. I told her that sometimes she interrupts me. And I also told her that I'm happy because that's literally the only thing I can think of, and that's a super "fixable" flaw. She took it in stride, and I felt so fucking relieved to have that experience. I've never really told someone I was romantically involved with about negative feelings I had towards them. That honesty was so nice.

I hope she doesn't move =(

 

She got the local job! I'm ecstatic! This girl is something special.

Also, I've been Ming much less frequently. It used to be once a day before this girl and now it's gotten to about once a week which is perfect for me. Either I'm getting desensitized or older but it's harder to get to cum. Normally not Ming for a few days before sex = can't last more than 5 minutes but now that's what I normally do and I can last as long as she wants me to (probably around 20 minutes).

Also the porn cravings are few and far between. Every so often when I do think of a porn scene I pinch myself really hard to discourage that behavior and to remind myself that those thoughts are the beginning of a negative spiral.

 

Oh wow, it's been a month and a half since I last logged in! All is well here. Still M from time to time, but nothing too much. My relationship is going well. Sex is fantastic. Porn cravings are pretty minimal, but I still make a point to be harsh on myself when I start imagining myself watching porn.

Surprisingly, not much more to report. I think I must be somewhere around 6 months of progress. It feels great!

 

I had essentially no success with Tinder. The only dates I went on through Tinder were girls who I vaguely knew from undergrad. I maybe went on a few first dates with someone totally new, but that's all it was. First dates.

I had much more success with Coffee Meets Bagel, because a lot more people take it seriously. I used 6-7 pictures. First one was a profile picture, smiling at the camera. 3 pictures were with me and friends (after a race, on a mountain after hiking, etc). Seriously, what helped was asking friends how my profile was. I was nervous to share with anyone at first, but then I simply got over it. Friends (especially other dudes with the same app) will give good advice.

As for your profile, don't try to hard to be witty. Don't say anything stupid, and share interesting things about yourself. In the "what I appreciate about my date" section, turn it around to tell more things about yourself. For instance, I said, "I appreciate when my date... likes Pixar as much as I do!" or "I appreciate when my date can put their phone down at dinner". In those examples I'm really telling about myself.

As for conversing, just keep it simple and genuine. Don't try too hard. When you get a "LOL" or when you're at a point in the conversation where you feel like you both have a lot to say, say, "Hey I really enjoy talking with you - would you like to get together sometime?" If you had a back and forth conversation, (usually over the course of 2-4 days and about 20 exchanges), she will always say yes.

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Anyway, life is good. I'm in a shitty summer job, but it will end very soon (3 weeks). My porn urges have melted away, however, I notice myself being a bit pervy when outside near lots of women. Also, with the new GoT episode, I need to keep my porn desires in check. Something worth noticing. Also, my relationship with my gf is really strong. It's great.

 

For sure. Tinder can have a porn substitute feel to it as you get lots of novelty (~100 women in 10 minutes?). Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB) is not an issue in that regard as it limits how many women you see per day. The overarching vibe from Tinder is hookup culture, while CMB pushes for dating culture. My current gf is someone I met on CMB.

 

Darn, I've been cheating a bit regularly with Porn substitutes and I need to awaken myself to the reality that porn substitutes IS porn. Also realize that this is a CHOICE and a DECISION to watch this. And that DECISION leads to nothing but negativity.

 

Yesterday, I was searching something on Google Hangouts (to initiate a video call with a colleague) and when I searched for her name, several clips of pornography showed up! WTF?

I stared a little bit, continued scrolling away from it, then X'ed out. I noticed my heart beating a lot harder. I felt an impulse to click one of the videos, but I recognized that this was the moment that I decide! And I chose not to.

It's been a while since I've seen anything nearly as explicit as yesterday, but I'm happy that I did not continue that path. Now that I think of it, my dreams last night involved porn lol.

 

Ah I have some pretty strong urges right now.

Lately, when MOing, I've been thinking porn, which I haven't done in quite a while. I can tell thats not helping. I've been slipping with the P-substitutes. Last night I had a dream where I watched porn. I think it's been 7+ months or so now without porn, but it feels like a struggle now, more so than ever.

 

Sorry to disappoint. I didn't go on a porn site, but for the first time in months, I MO'd while watching something on a cpu screen.

I've done hard mode several times and I don't like that as a lifestyle, but I agree. I'm going to cut out the MO for now, as it's leading me back to PMO. I'm not going to see this as a major reset, just a blip. This is why I don't have a counter on my signature, otherwise I'd have to restart it and I'd definitely relapse. But this is when I need to be ferocious. No P. No M. No O. My gf is out of the country for a few weeks, I'll hold off anything until she comes back.

But for now I'm absolutely dreading being at work and just need to get through the next 4 hours. Then all will be well. I need to EXPECT a porn craving. It's going to be ok.

 

This last week had a lot happen.

- Decided to stop MOing for a few weeks
- Got sick (wondering if it's related to poor sleep schedule or possibly not MOing?)
- Made a huge change in work schedule and decided to not do work at my house in the morning

--> That last one has improved my life drastically. I feel so much more level-headed, not having to wake up to do work. The MO free week was relatively easy - not as horny as I might have anticipated. My sleep schedule (after Tuesday) has been nice and consistent. Things are feeling good right now. I'm in a great place.