Feeling guilty about other guys...

You have no idea how many times I've thought about doing this. Finding someone who it seems actually wants me, thinks about touching me and seeing me. Though, if I'm honest, that is true with my fiancee, it just doesn't seem like it a lot of the time.

But no, I don't think it's selfish. Really, it's along the same lines of him being honest about his addiction. Addiction is selfish in general. These men are only focused on what brings them pleasure. Should this other guy be messaging you, knowing you are in a relationship? No he shouldn't. But that is another issue entirely. I wouldn't trust the other guy either. But I think your boyfriend should take a deep look at himself and why he isn't able to get pleasure from being with you. Only then can he begin to feel connected to you again.

Has he communicated any negative feelings about the other guy? Does he feel betrayed that you'd even entertain the idea? Or does he see it as hypocritical when you have a problem with his addiction?

 

Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems to me like he wants to allow this for an odd, underlying reason. No faithful man should be okay with his girlfriend sleeping with someone else. Maybe he just wants to still be able to use P because he knows you won't be able to tell him not to after you've slept with someone else? Granted, I could be completely wrong about this. He could legitimately feel bad enough about it that some part of him is okay with letting you get back at him. And maybe you're not thinking about it in terms of revenge. Only you know what's going on in the relationship and what you can do to help both of you heal and get better.

 

I'm not quite convinced he would be 100% fine with it. I had to do a double take when I read your post thinking "Is her bf really okay with her having sex with other men?"

Is your bf in a reboot? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel in which he will want you like you want to be wanted?

 

I get that wanting for someone, anyone to find me attractive. I know that i am a beauty but because of the constant rejection from hubby it would be amazing to feel desired and cherished again.

 

I don't know much about your relationship or about your BF, so these are just my thoughts. Either he finds it exciting for you to hook up with another guy (it's one of the P fetishes). Or he feels so inadequate at the moment in bed, that he would do anything to make you happy (quite unlikely for a PA, but possible). Or, like @WantsToBelieve said, he is looking for an excuse to go back to P. Or he might just be OK with both of you having many sexual partners (polyamory?). You have to figure it out, though.
And my take on you chatting with the other guy. I hope you won't get offended. It's one thing to want to be desired and wish someone wanted you, and maybe even fantasize about that sometimes, especially when you have been betrayed. But it's another thing to actually go ahead and virtually flirt in a sexual manner with another guy - that's in the same category as cheating. At least we SOs would consider it cheating, if our PAs did that.

 

Atta girl!

 

I would be really, really careful with this.

In my addiction, I had quite a number of encounters with women and/or couples who were in an 'open relationship.' And I can't tell you how many of them turned really ugly and caused the women serious trauma.

Some men originally find the idea erotic and exciting, but soon it becomes a power play, a way to control their partner. I've heard too many stories of husbands/boyfriends requesting that their partners share screenshots of their sexting, pictures of their encounters, etc "because it's just so hot" ... and then those screenshots and pics become tools for blackmail down the road. "Oh, you want to leave me? Ok, I'll just make sure your employer sees all these pics."

There's a woman here in town who my ex-wife met through her support group for partners of addicts. Her husband would invite other men to their home to have sex with her--often without him even being home, and often without even telling her. These men would just show up and say "your husband said I should come over." He even used Bible verses to manipulate her, saying her body belonged to him, etc. etc. And so she went through with it, dozens of times. Today, they are in the midst of a bitter divorce and custody battle, and he has repeatedly threatened to release videos of her to the internet.

That's just one of many stories I've heard. Polyamory has this aura of being able to have your cake and eat it too ... but from what I've heard, the reality is quite different.

 

Personally, it would bother me if my guy said he wouldn't mind me venturing out with other ppl. I would assume that meant he didn't care about me enough to want me ALL to himself. Call me selfish but I would never want to share my man with anyone else. I've been in competition before and quickly lost interest and dropped out of the race. I know I'm worth more than that and can have the relationship I truly want and deserve. I guess my point is...know your worth, know you deserve all those things you desire..to be loved & desired...don't settle for anything less than you deserve!

 

Was going to make this exact comment. Saw a story about it in PBS. I personally would always error of the side of caution in a situation like this.

Good luck to you @elley in finding true love and success with someone who is worthy of your time and affection.