His reason for resisting makes me feel like the bad guy

I think addicts need to muster all the reasons that they can to stop themselves giving in to temptation. At any given time, one reason may be the dominant one, but the more reasons they have the better. For me the reasons include:

• The shame I'd feel in admitting a relapse to my wife
• The shame I'd feel in admitting failure to the NoFap community who have given me so much support
• Not wanting to feel like a hypocrite after all the good words I've posted here
• Not wanting to lose a 100 day streak
• Not wanting to risk a return of PIED
• Not wanting to lose my increased self-esteem
• Not wanting to return to wasting so much precious time and energy
• Liking the new me where I feel so much more focussed on my wife and feel I am being the husband she deserves

So as long as he is truly committed to quitting and making progress, I wouldn't worry too much about which reason came to mind first when you asked.

ANH

 

The why may not be the answer you want to hear... but remeber he is the one on the Addiction recovery path.
And As stated so well above by @anewhope

 

I think if your anger and pain is enough for him to stop and not relapse initially that’s okay. But at some point he has to switch to quitting because he wants to and he sees the benefits. Often while the initial reason to quit is a partner’s anger, the addict does see performance improve in bed and overall, but not all men do. And they can’t just do it for you. They have to do it for them. Many still do not see the correlation between PMO and issues in bed they are in denial.

 

I've read a few similar threads where it appears the guy is only doing non PMO for his SO, and not because he really wants to. And that way trouble lies.

There has to be some point of realization when the man understands he has a serious problem separate from his SO's anger / nagging. He has to recognize the inherent destructive influence of porn outside the internet and in the real world.

I only had this realization when researching how to keep my teenage children away from porn. And now it seems so blindingly obvious, but it was not before. Watching the Ted talk - your brain on porn - is what did it for me. But it's horses for courses...

And while you can lead a man to water, you can't make him drink.

How is your boyfriend persuaded of new things? - is he quite logical / rational - or a more happy go lucky type? Is he close minded or open to new ideas?

Maybe I have misread your OP and your bf is into this - but worth stepping back from a moment to understand if this really is the case.

Good luck. It is cool that you're so actively involved and understanding.

 

For me this is the hardest part... He won't read anything or listen to any videos. The only one I got to make him watch -the ted one- got him very defensive and started saying backing up, saying I didn't know, I was exaggerating... I really think shame kills him and he's trying to protect himself, he goes to therapy but hasn't told his therpist about the addiction yet and it's been 2 months. Do you have any advice I could use? I am so sad because he feels angry at me because I told him I'll leave if he doesn't stop. He sees me as the evil, even thou the addiction makes him feel all the pain

 

@Portocala First you're not evil for saying you will leave if he doesn't stop. That was you setting a boundary with a consequence. Boundary - stop PMO Consequence if you don't -I leave. That is healthy to do. Often SO's are not sure how to set boundaries and consequences. So if you explain to your partner that you are setting boundaries and consequences for your own health that might make him understand a bit better and not see you in such a bad way. Also, you stated that is a consequence. Only state consequences you are willing to follow through on or the addict will walk all over you. Trust me, when you set a consequence stick to it, no matter how painful.

For me, one consequence is sleeping in separate beds if there was a lie told or if he slipped and didn't tell me by the time he saw me. Luckily I haven't had to do that yet, but I know that if that ever happened, I would have to follow through, or he wouldn't take me seriously.

 

We women always put others feelings before our own. I can see that it hurts you to see him hurting. Not to sound harsh but you need to be more selfish. He’s concerned with his feelings and you are concerned with his feelings but no one is thinking about you. There is nothing you can do to get him to see the light. You can’t fix this you have little to no control over whether or not he decides to give pmo up for good. With my ex not having any control gave me anxiety and so I tried to regain it by learning all I could and forwarding it to him and he watched very little of it. You can’t be his counselor his best friend and his accountability partner. When he refuses to tell anyone about his addiction that puts a ton of pressure on you. He needs support from other people. The fact that he won’t share this even with his therapist is concerning. Is it guilt or is it that he still is unwilling to own that he has a problem? Your role is to be supportive, to be open to forgiveness and understanding but that’s it. There is nothing else you can do. For every addict there is a rock bottom but only the addict can decide when that is.

 

I've thought this over and over and there is no easy answer. As I'm sure you know only too well men, like women, can be very stubborn at times. And even more so when the topic is as sensitive as this one and he will become defensive and contrarian if confronted directly, as you have already seen.

This is one of the purposes for which clever, feminine charm was originally designed for!

But as I am not trained in the arts of feminine charm I cannot advise you on what would work with your particular man in your particular situation. All I can do, as a man, is offer the following advice:

1) Whatever you do - do not emasculate him. This is easier said than done as it is in a woman's nature to try to emasculate their men as a test - but a man needs to be treated like a man. What would work for a woman doesn't work for a man

2) Get him off therapy as soon as possible. Therapy is not for men. Men have to sort out their cr*p themselves. They are alone. And the sooner he realizes this the quicker he'll get better. Therapy is a form of emasculation and it can be for life, and besides, many therapists should be sectioned and housed in a mental institution for their own good

3) You could buy him one of the following two books:

- Gorilla Mindset, by Mike Cernovich
- How to Fail in Almost Everything and Still Win Big, by Scott Adams

They are both self-help books written by real men for real men. None of the usual namby-pamby stuff.

I wish I could help you more...

Good luck with whatever you do. I hope it all works out!

 

Wow, nice post but I think she is looking for serious responses @Plutonium.

 

@Portocala ... just to add one final point. Threatening to leave, while totally understandable, won't work. An ultimatum is an emasculating move that can only generate resentment. To comply with your wishes - even though it would be good for him - he is forced to accept his own emasculation.

If you continue on this course he will fully regret what he's done and work hard to change himself AFTER you've left, seldom before.

Clever, feminine charm is the way to go forward not crude, power plays.

 

Excuse me?

 

@Plutonium Im sorry but your ignorance of psychology and therapists is horrid and honestly embaressing. Therapy is a must in addiction recovery. And emasculation? wow, if a guy feels "emasculated" by those simple things he must be quite insecure to begin with... and honestly i think most men are capable of putting their pride aside when push comes to shove... give men more credit

 

I was at that same point earlier in my addiction. There was a point where I had stopped but still would get quite defensive and wouldn't face the truth.

It took a while but I eventually got to the point where I could admit what I did and start working on recovery.

I have made huge strides recovering and fixing my own life. Everything has been better. However, I still haven't been doing too much better with relationship recovery. That, I'm still working on.

Therapy has helped me but he has to be able to talk to his therapist about it. There's really no way to make him talk about it. I believe it's the kind of thing that he has to come to on his own.

I wish I could give more advice but I don't even really know what's helped me open up. I still don't really know what goes on in my head most of the time. I have trouble analyzing my thought process and seeing how I got to a thought.

He needs to realize that he is deflecting and projecting his own shame and guilt into anger towards you so that in his mind, whether he knows it's happening or if it's subconscious, he can protect himself from feeling the pain of coming to terms with his actions.

 

@Plutonium what do you mean by "clever female charm"? Is she just supposed to act all in love and wanting him and use it to manipulate him into listening to her? Fake being nice to get him to change his attitude?

If everything you are saying really emasculated men so much, that would make men pretty weak to be affected so easily by so much. That kind of contradicts your "men are men and should be treated as such" mentality. Why can't men just act like any real responsible adult and accept the consequences of their actions? That would make a real "man".

 

If you think the solution is for men to act more like women then good luck to you and those who choose to follow the same path. I give men more credit.

[To those easily triggered I probably need to point out that it is perfect for women to act like women].

Modern psychology is at about the level of medieval sorcery. Future generations will look back in horror. As for the mental health of therapists - really? Next you'll be telling me doctors don't drink or smoke...

 

Feminine charm is the umbrella term for the forms of persuasion women use to get a man to do what she wants (and which is usually good for him) without the man feeling he's being controlled. It is a beautiful, and arguably a necessary thing.

If you wish to denigrate such forms of persuasion by describing them as "manipulation" then that's your right. I just respectfully disagree. Although to be fair you do have Plato on your side...

 

An emasculated man is a weak man, yes. A depressed man is vulnerable to being emasculated and thereby becoming weak, yes. If a woman wants her man to be strong, don't emasculate him. How is that complicated or even controversial?

I said "a man needs to be treated like a man." Would you seriously try to argue that a woman doesn't need to be treated like a woman? Why should it be any different for a man?

I don't understand your anti-men phrase: "why can't men just act like any real responsible adult..." - it says more about you than it does men in general. A strong man can, a weak man can't. Not all men are the same you know...