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My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by anewhope, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Broken3

    My wife has found over the years (with me, on her own, and with previous partners years ago) that she only ever gets clitoral Os, even when she has me, or something else, inside her. So external stimulation is very much the name of the game - either during or instead of intercourse. When we do O simultaneously it is usually during intercourse when she is also stroking herself. I find her Oing so sexy, so provided I am reasonably close to the edge, her O'ing will push me over too. As you say, A-maze-ing!

    ANH
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
  2. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Thanks for taking the time both to read my ramblings read and to reply. You are very kind! Cool user-name by the way!

    ANH
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
  3. Thanks @Broken3 and @anewhope for the *tips*. I will definitely try incorporating them ASAP :)

    And the surprise your wife gave you must have felt niiice. Better to be surprised sometimes than disappointed, right? ;-)
     
  4. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    A major milestone.

    Hi all,

    This morning I was Dad taxi again and then had about 90 minutes at home with my wife before I had to return to pick my daughter up. When I got home, my wife was just getting up after a lie in. I asked whether we could go back to bed for a cuddle. This wasn't because I was hoping for sex but because I wanted us to use the time alone together to talk about our sex life. I was in two minds about whether this was a good idea. Part of me was thinking that sex at the moment is better than it has been for years, so I shouldn't risk screwing it up by saying the wrong thing. The other part of me was saying that in a loving relationship it is better to explore any issues than shy away from them. This was the part that won, so I screwed up my courage and took the plunge.

    We had a really good, honest, open, loving conversation. It covered just about everything I've written about in the journal over the last 15 weeks. It was almost as if the whole of that period was building up to, and a rehearsal for, the talk we had this morning. We covered so much ground that I can't possibly document it all here but it included:
    • the pros and cons of 'only she initiates'
    • why she didn't reply to my letter asking for her ideas about what she'd like to do in the bedroom
    • why I don't want to masturbate ever again, even without porn
    • more details about how I used porn
    • PIED
    • more about our love languages and touch in particular
    • how my age means that I can't always come to the edge and back again indefinitely like I could when we were young
    • how we'd both like it if we O'd simultaneously more often
    • how we'd both be happy if I O'd first sometimes, so she can finish lovemaking with an O and then drift off to sleep
    • how she is only comfortable making love when 100% certain that our daughter is unable to hear us (because she's out of the house or asleep)
    • what makes her feel in the mood for making love (she needs to feel we are close and that I am truly listening to her in our life together)
    • that I don't mind if she masturbates as long as it is not instead of, and in preference to, making love to me
    • that her mini vibrator that she didn't tell me about was a free gift with some lingerie - not something she bought separately
    • how I am willing to do literally anything for her in the bedroom that doesn't involve a third party
    She also explained more about how she feels about bondage, her one 'kink', and finally corrected a false impression I've had about it ever since she first told me 30 years ago. Yes, she likes being tied up, in that she likes the physical effects of constriction, struggling against ropes etc. but she doesn't like the domination/submission side that is usually associated with it. I had always assumed that she liked the feeling of surrendering power and submission but she doesn't like that part at all - it is the physiological side of being tied up that she likes, not the psychological side. I haven't abandoned Plan B(ondage) but I will take out the role-playing side that I was going to include and make sure there is nothing more threatening than a bit of teasing.

    [It is interesting to me that we are completely the opposite as far as BDSM is concerned. Being tied up in itself does nothing for me, but to be totally helpless, powerless and at my wife's mercy (say with her foot on my throat) turns me on like nothing else. The fact that our views on this are so different and that I had made false assumptions about what she likes about being tied up, is an object lesson on how important it is to keep talking in marriage about everything - in and out of the bedroom]

    So we had a wonderful talk - accepting each other for who we are and committing ourselves to loving each other and working on all aspects of our relationship. We'd been lying together, naked, talking about sex for 90 minutes with predictable results - we both felt horny and wanted to turn all this talk into action. However, if you've been paying attention, you'll remember that 90 minutes was all the time we had and I had to go and fetch our daughter. Bother! Nevertheless I went with a spring in my step feeling that my wife and I had achieved a level of understanding that we'd never reached before and that it bodes well for our sex lives and our marriage as a whole. A major milestone indeed.

    ANH :)
     
    DIYAS1, Tonytone, Torn and 6 others like this.
  5. High five and a wink-wink. Glad to hear you two are making such great progress.
     
    Deleted Account, anewhope and Kenzi like this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wow!
    Just... Yay!!!
     
    anewhope likes this.
  7. I am totally cheering you on over here! Amazing news! So very happy for you and your wife :)
     
    anewhope and Kenzi like this.
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    This is awesome!
     
    anewhope and Kenzi like this.
  9. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    That was so inspiring to read! Keep up the good work!
     
    anewhope likes this.
  10. Yes, totally amazing post! :)
     
    anewhope likes this.
  11. MrW

    MrW Fapstronaut

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    Very inspiring ! Glad you found a meeting of minds on this .

    Now I've got to have a similar conversation with my wife - since we haven't done anything since my nearly 6yr old was conceived I suspect it will be a taller hurdle to leap.

    Well done though !
     
    anewhope likes this.
  12. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I am so late here @anewhope , but wanted you to know that I caught up and have a couple of replies for you.
    ***TRIGGER WARNING**** My husband and I occasionally climax together, but more often that not we plan it out during our love making. I find that I am extra sensitive after a clitoral orgasm but vaginally O a lot so I plan the clitoral one for the end. Sometimes my husband O's first and he will finish me after or I will and finish him. My preferred way to O is with him still inside hence me going first as the erection is necessary. Usually he O's only once a week, so I like to make sure it is good for him. Sometimes, if I am angry with him I O then am done and go to sleep even if he is "due" for an O.


    Oh goodness I imagine you were incredibly disappointed. You were vulnerable and excited and really let down. I admire your patience so much and I hope that she fulfilled your fantasy since then XO
     
  13. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    The amount of vulnerability and honesty here is incredible! The foundation of true intimacy. You both must have such a greater understanding of eachother now. I hope that this translates to more intimate connection for you both.
     
    anewhope likes this.
  14. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Sorry, @Sadgirl, I know that it is not a good thing for the long term health of your relationship, but when I read that, and remembered the 2 years when he totally ignored your needs, a part of me just loved the image of you having a satisfying O and leaving him high and dry!!

    ANH
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  15. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I haven't posted here much since the "major milestone" post of nearly three weeks ago. That felt like the culmination of the journey, like reaching a happy plateau upon which the rest of life's ups and downs would be comparatively minor. And that is largely how it has been.

    But today I am feeling very low. My wife and I had been getting on well and been close and enjoying intimacy but then she was ill for a week, and then I caught the same nasty bug and have also been laid low with it - so we've hardly touched each other for more than two weeks. My year off from work is unfortunately coming to an end. I had high hopes for one opportunity for work and put a lot into my pitch, only to be turned down. That rejection hit me unexpectedly hard. Yesterday I attended a jobs fair and started the potentially demoralising process of trying to find work at the age of 59. The redundancy money that we've been living on this year is nearly gone and I can feel my stress levels starting to rise. And then, a silly thing, a trivial accident. I am not particularly concerned about physical posessions but I do have one or two treasures and last night my daughter accidentally broke one of the few that I really care about - a beautiful sculpture of a hare. My wife tried to repair it this morning but so far without success.

    I feel old, rejected, depressed and lonely and that I have lost something beautiful. None of this is really true and my logical brain tells me that an exciting new job is just around the corner, we'll soon find the right glue to mend the hare and that my wife and I will probably make love again soon. But at the moment I am close to tears and just want someone to hold me and build me up and stroke me and arouse me and make me feel good again. I want to be enveloped in my wife's warm flesh and forget everything else. In earlier times I'd have sought comfort in my right hand, but I am strong enought not to fall from grace. I just want my wife to cherish me and show me with her loving touch that life is still good.

    ANH
     
    Torn and Deleted Account like this.
  16. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    I feel I am in a very similar situation. Post menopause my wife gradually went off sex completely and I fear I fuelled our decline into a no sex marriage by PMO instead (Not that I would not have used PMO to supplement in any case)
    Now we have a very loving but non- sexual relationship although she would be prepared to"relieve me by hand" at times if I approach her - but I don't want to settle for this and am hoping that hard mode PMO and talking about it may result in sex life picking up.
    Happy to discuss @anewhope as O think our situations have similarities. Good luck with the book!
     
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  17. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear about your low. It sucks when we hit those. Hopefully it won't last long. I know for me when I get like that it helps to go for a drive with the windows down, even in the cold, and the music up. Or even better, a long walk by myself, fast enough to get the blood flowing and the exercise almost always lifts my mood and gives me a brighter outlook. The crisp fall air seems to life my spirits even more than a warm summer air. I hope it's not too cold where you are.

    I wish you the best in the job hunt. You still have many, many great years left, you spring chicken!
     
    Deleted Account, anewhope and Torn like this.
  18. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    It's good hearing from you, @anewhope. Sorry you're feeling low. You're dealing with a lot right now that would be hard for anyone. I'm glad you realize things won't stay this way, and I'm really glad you're reaching out here.

    I wanted to say thank you for sharing this as it illustrates how much we all have in common:

    Much of this sums up how I've felt when my SO has been in his addictive cycle. It's very hard when we people want to connect but for some reason feel we can't. It scratches old wounds, and it hurts. :(

    I'm glad you know you're strong. While you're being strong, is there a way you could share your feelings with your wife?

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers that things start looking up soon for you.
     
    Deleted Account and anewhope like this.
  19. coffee_chick

    coffee_chick Fapstronaut

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    I had never heard of physical withdrawal symptoms. Do they occur right after you quit or could it be later?
     
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  20. coffee_chick

    coffee_chick Fapstronaut

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    And @anewhope yiu are being very honest and this helps so much for the SO. I appreciate your candor
     

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