His reason for resisting makes me feel like the bad guy

The theory that @Plutonium is pushing is very dangerous and one of the reasons so many men don’t seek help because they think it makes them appear weak. So they suffer needlessly and many end up committing suicide because they see no other way out. Being a “man” is owning up to your mistakes and knowing when something is beyond you and asking for help. Men have just as many emotions as women they just have been socialized to repress them. You seem to have a different idea about manliness than I do. I don’t consider what you describe as manly I see it as cowardly. And calling a man on his stuff is not emasculating . The only man that can be emasculated is one that allows himself to be no one else can do that to you. If you are confident in your manhood there’s not a single thing anyone can do to change that. It’s those that are not that are easily shaken by what others say and require constant validation of their manliness. And I think you miss the mark on threatening to leave. We threaten to leave for ourselves not the man. It’s because you are hurting us. We are not asking men to behave like women we are asking them that behave like any person should. Be honest, be respectful, treat people with kindness, communicate. The manliness you describe would only work in a relationship from the 1930s and that’s only because it was harder to leave a man then as women had less financial security. Nowadays that man you describe would be dumped by 99% of the women he dated. What you describe as manliness most women find repulsive. A relationship is a 50/50 street and it works a lot better when neither person dominates they are equal partners.

I hear the anger coming through in your voice. I see that a lot on here with addicts that have still not come to terms with the fact that their addiction is 100% their fault and has nothing to do with their partners actions. They are angry because they see truth in what’s being said and don’t want to admit it. Sometimes their partner has left them for this reason but they still have not seen the light and may never do so. A man does not want to see his partner hurting.

 

Unfortunately no. After you have been on NoFap for awhile you will start to pick out “addict thinking” when you see it and just go onto the next comment. It’s the type of thought process non addicts look at and think it’s so outrageous it must be sarcasm or w joke. But it’s not. An addicts mind will do whatever it takes to allow them to stay addicted. A big part of that is denial. Another part is blame shifting. If it’s not totally their fault then obviously they can’t fix it. They usually don’t even realize they are doing it . The mind has a funny way of tricking people.

 

News flash it’s not the 1930s it’s 2017! I think you may be stuck in a time machine!

 

I can't tell if he's joking but he sounds serious

 

There is plenty of research and just using your brain and really pay attention to human behavior, and anyone can see the similarities in the thinking and cognitive process in any gender.

The "acting like a woman/man" lime didn't work anymore. By that logic I act like a woman because I like to cook for my wife and I. I genuinely enjoy cooking, I used to want to be a chef. But then I'm also a man because I like to work on cars. Gender roles are just stupid ways that society uses to justify certain ways of treating people. They just don't work anymore and they certainly aren't/weren't true.

 

I pity you for thinking there is no such thing as feminine charm, or that it only has a trivial purpose. The old phrase - behind every great man is a great woman carries real, deep meaning.

I pity you. I really do. You have had your brain flushed to such a degree you don't even realize it.

 

If having my brain flushed means that I see men and women as equals then keep on flushing! And why not behind every woman there’s a great man? Why do you think it’s the woman’s place to play second fiddle to her man? I realize that a lot of men feel threatened by the fact that gender roles have changed. But they indeed have. More women are graduating from college than are men and getting more advanced degrees than men. Women are the primary bread winners in many homes. So no a woman is not there to stand behind her man and support him, they support each other. You can seek out a more traditional woman and I am sure there are a handful out there but the majority of women want an equal partnership. You saying that it should not be that way does not change the fact that it is that way. I would not change anything about it so there is no need to pity me.

 

You make a very valid point on needing to decide if you are in it for the long haul. I left my pmo addict partner because I had just had enough and I saw what some of the SOs that were married to addicts on here for years and years and I knew I did not want that for myself. I think that SOs need to have realistic expectations but I also think that the PMO addict needs to accept that she may indeed leave him if things are not improving and that’s okay. It does not make her a bad person. She has to decide what her limits are. I did not leave as an ultimatum I left because I no longer wanted pmo and dishonesty as part of my life. Life’s too short to be miserable.

 

Just a side-thought I had while reading some of the comments here about 'emasculating' our PA/SA partners... Why in the world should we have to worry about emasculating our male partners, when we ourselves have had our femininity taken away by PMO? As a PA, you have chosen to steal the very essence of being a woman from your wife/SO by choosing PMO over her. You have made her feel like less of a woman/not a woman at all. Why shouldn't she be able to speak her mind about that and set her boundaries? Why shouldn't she be able to express that in a way that you'll get it? Clearly nothing has helped so far, or you would have stopped by now. (Again I am using 'you' as a general term encompassing PA's, not trying to target anyone specifically here.)

 

Yes! Such a good point! I was so confident in my femininity and then with the addiction, I felt so de-feminized. I never made that connection until you made this point. Thank you!

 

Very good point same here. It’s very much a product of only being able to see one side of things when you are an addict I believe.

 

Thank you very much for your insight. I actually talked to him about this and yes, you were right. He needs time and he needs to know that I am there in the meanwhile... It is true, seeing what PA has done to our relationship and reading things here makes me very impatient and I just want to shake him to make him realize too, but I have to understand that I cannot do that for him, it has to be him. Thank you very much for reminding me!
We chose to start single therapy for now, but we might use couples counselling in the future.

 

Thank you once again, I've only learned this on this forum, you posted advices that helped me A LOT! Before I used to think that in setting boundaries I was being mean and insensitive for not understanding him and supporting him, now I have a clearer visione where both of us exist, not only his pain/point of view.

 

You are SOOOOO right, it took me a while to understand this. To accept that love meant also asking him for things, even though they hurt him, and not only being there and accept everything he does. To actually separate him from his behavior and to tell him that something about what he was doing was bothering me.

This is exactly what I was trying to do as well

He told his therapist in the last session!!! Yayyyy, I feel this is a HUGE start, now the problem is shared with someone else that can take care if it, it is not only my responsability!